Thoughts throughout the day

I was so incredibly sad and blue for most of the day. Everything around me seemed just gray and awful and sad. I'm doing better for right now though, thankfully. I ended up standing in for Wake Forest tonight and playing a witness for The Meat's class that he teaches. Florida and Asparagus were also playing witnesses. I got to see The Meat in action as he demostrated to one of his students how to cross examine me - he's incredible, and that kind of competence is such a turn on!!

I took the L home with Florida and Asparagus. We walked to their place and then they drove me home. My mood finally elevated when I was hanging out with them for the short time. I felt a little more free, and laughing always improves my mood :)

A couple times today, in my deepest depths of blueness, I typed up some stuff. Keep in mind that I was really really really sad, and I'm sure I will be at some point tomorrow or the next day as well. But for the moment, I'm feeling like me, and okay. Oh, and every once in awhile I guess I do get a tiny bit dramatic:

2:00 p.m.:

I think SP and I are kind of over, at least for the moment. And I sense him trying to distance himself from me so he can keep away. And as a result I'm feeling so empty and so lonely and so unloved and like I want to crawl in a corner and cover myself with a blanket and not come out for a very long time.

And this is worse in a small way from a breakup from someone who I'm actually dating, because the pain is sort of hidden here.

I feel like nothing is right with the world or with me or with anything surrounding me. It's all just depression and sadness and things going wrong and things changing.

Today is a terrible day and I have no hope or excitment left inside me right now. Just loneliness and sadness, and all day I have had to keep from crying, because at all times I've been hovering on the edge of it. I feel the sadness physically. And I feel almost lifeless. And I feel the loneliness so strong right now that it's pressing me down and inward, and I know I'll come out of it and I know it will fade but right now it's just so awful, and I can't cry or let it out.

3:20 p.m.:

I'm a terrible, horrible person. My life is generally good, I'm basically very healthy, and I have so much going for me. And I have almost no right to feel so sorry for myself just because I'm sad about a relationship. Not when other people are dealing with illnesses and so many people in the world are starving or living in terrible conditions.

I mentioned earlier that there's sadness everywhere at my office. The son-in-law of one of the secretaries is dying of brain tumors. He's in his early 50's. He was a marathoner and near-professional bike rider, but the tumors were discovered in his brain after he passed out and fell off his bike just this past September. He has undergone the standard treatment but the tumors are still there, and he's shriveled down and now undergoing an experimental treatment, which the secretary was able to obtain by writing letters to get the funding. The experimental treatment is now causing blood clots all over his body, which has him in extreme pain. The doctors performed surgery to put a kind of siv into him to collect the blood clots. He also has a temperature and is currently surrounded with ice in an effort to try to bring the temperature down.

As if that weren't enough, the family found out this morning that the guy who was watching one their dogs left the dog outside with his young daughter, and the dog ran away. He's a really shy dog so will run away from people. The secretary has police departments looking for the dog and has been making calls all day, and she just left to help in the search. The poor baby must be so scared and so cold alone outside, and that absolutely breaks my heart.

Now to my boss. I've talked before about his wife having melanoma that has metastasized (sp?) into her lungs, and they just found out last Friday that it's now in her liver as well. They have also exhausted the standard of care, and she was approved for an experimental treatment. She had the blood tests last week and got the CAT scan, both which were required before treatment began. They heard just today, around noon, that she had gotten the blood tests too late and the study had just filled up. So now my boss is in his office, trying to get the decision reversed and get her into the study. She's 52, and will die probably sooner rather than later barring a miracle. And the miracle they've been holding out hope for is this experimental study.

So these are real problems. I need to suck it up and be thankful for everything I have, and be thankful that I'm not going through times as difficult as my boss and our secretary and their families.

Back to present time (11:04 p.m. - shit, almost bedtime already!):

My boss's wife won't be able to get into the study. I feel so incredibly awful for her. Of course there was no assurance that it would work, but it represented hope, and this is her life. There's another experimental drug study that she can still participate in. It was her doctor's second choice, but at least it's something. On Friday morning they will see the doctor to find out all the specifics about it, and when she can begin with the treatments. My heart just goes out to her.

James and Emma are chasing each other around right now - they're so cute! And sound like a mini heard of elephants racing all around! Oh - I just had to break up a bit of a spat. James fights too rough and is much bigger, and he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to be more gentle with his little sister.

So anyway, this was an example of mood swings during a day!! And also an example of melodramatic spin I can put on things in my head! :) I love that I feel pretty good now, and I'm going to enjoy it for the next ten minutes while I get ready for bed!