My wonderful friends who make me come out of my sadness!!!!
Also, Violet and Uganda stopped by last night on the way home from the airport. It was wonderful in so many ways! First, I love that they care so much about me, it makes me feel just so so so so so so good and special, especially since I haven't known them for that long! And I just love them! I know Violet so much from her blog, and I know Uganda wonderfully from her blog, but also he just has that lovable quality about him, and seeing Violet and Uganda together makes me both want that for myself (so sad) but also so hopeful because once they started dating, it was just almost story-book love. And also, I was so excited for them to see and meet my babies! I held little Emma when they come off the elevator cause I knew she'd go running and they wouldn't see her after that! And unfortunately, little James was so so sleepy, but he always is happy having visitors! I was also happy that they could see my apartment, and Violet gave me affirmation so I now feel more confident that I can host a little party! Maybe not an actual dinner party at first, just appetizers and beer and wine and fun, but I do so want to get the confidence to have a dinner party! Well, I can do it much easier when it's not just me, when it's me and a guy throwing it. But I'll just have to wait on that. Or maybe someone will throw a dinner party with me! I just don't want it to be just me - then I worry about the food, the fun, and everything in between!
And MWFB called me again last night to check on me. He couldn't come over because he had worked from 5 am to just getting home at around 10 pm. But he makes me laugh, and he loves me unconditionally as I do him, and he's just the best guy friend that I could possibly imagine in the whole world - he's even better! When I first called him yesterday I'm surprised he could understand my message because I was crying so hard. But by today when he stopped by to see me quickly at work, I was so much better. And he was there for me the whole time, and always will be. I love that!
Another thing that made me so happy today! Tivo took me out for a late birthday lunch - at my favorite by far real food place (and not chain) downtown: Elephant & Castle. I have never, ever had a bad thing there! And Tivo and I now always get two things and split them. Today we got a naked burger - carb smart - double patty with two kinds of cheese and bacon (we both pushed off the mushrooms). And then a wonderful chicken and brie sandwich with some red peppers on (I KNOW I'm going to spell this wrong) faccocia, ficcocia? bread. It was amazing, but afterward we both agreed that it could have had more brie. You can NEVER have too much brie!!!! So I got to hang out with wonderful Tivo, and we just get along so well. We spent three
days together last summer doing the Chicago 3-Day and we were perfect travel/walking partners! She's not the outwardly emotionl person at all, by I'm going to say here and I hope you're reading this, Tivo, I so value your friendship! I guess I also see how easy it is for us to get along and hang out, cause we're so compatable. So anytime I want to do a long walk for charity, I'm going to hope and want you to do it with me! Bob's so lucky to have you, but at the same time, he 's so wondeful as well!!! But also, and the thing that I just love and keep looking at - Tivo bought me a little flower bouquet that's in a wonderfully silly yellow cup with a smiley face on it!!! I'm going to post a picture of it here! Everyone at work was commenting on it, and even some people on the street! So it made me feel so special and wonderful just by her giving it to me, and then the gift kept giving, cause I first get to look at it here, and also I get to keep the wonderfully silly smiling cup for coffee, and also I got so many comments through-out the day that made me feel even more special!! I've decided now that giving someone flowers during the middle of the day is really a gift that keeps on giving! And it's just so cute!!!! Thank you, Tivo!!!A quick update from when I last wrote last night. I did go outside and I did make myself walk in the park. And I took my camera and took pictures of my two favorite trees in Chicago and also of the Chicago skyline from North Pond. I actually just downloaded them, so I'll have to check which ones, if any, are good and then I'll add them here! My walk last night was pretty short, and my eyes stung, but I was proud of myself for just getting out even though I felt lonely. And then I got kitten food and came home and fed my babies! So I was a good kitten mama again!
One of my favorite trees - look how it has survived even against all odds and with it being deformed and laying on it's side rather than standing up!!! It's a fully grown, living tree, just living differently from the norm! It's so inspiring!!! And you can't tell from the photo really, but it has tons of leaves and is just gorgeous!
Another one of my favorite trees! Stay tuned for more pictures as I get better light!
At just after 8 pm, I called Warsteiner. Before he went on vacation, he was leaving the office between 8 and 9 every day. He said "hello, stranger!" to which I replied, "yes, exactly..." He was at the Cubs game, we quickly small-talked for about one minute, and he said "why don't I give you a call when I leave the game" - then I turned on the game and it was the 5th inning. Because I'm that pathetic, I kept the game on in the background. But I also don't mind watching baseball, and I actually kind of feel relaxed when I have sports on in the background - cause I can watch when I want to and drown it out when I want to - it's not like watching a movie or show.
Anyway, while having the Cubs on in the background, on mute, I did something that I was proud of - I got out my guitar for the first time in 3 months and practiced my chords. Of course, I tried tuning it - and using my electronic tuner. You aren't supposed to be able to get that wrong! But I did, the tuning sounded TERRIBLE!!! But, finally I just said Fuck it, and played my chords anyway. It was more about getting my fingers back in shape a little and starting to build my calluses back. Today I took the guitar with me to work. The Meat tuned it for me. What surprised me, though, is that every other time that I've brought my guitar in - and I used to have lessons during the week so it was often - he'd sit around and relax in his office and play the guitar, and I love listening to him play and it inspires me. Today, he just tuned it and nothing. He didn't play it once. He told me a couple of times that it was tuned, so I went and got it from his office. And then I just practiced a little. He took it once, and I thought he was going to play, but he just showed me how to tune, almost like he never wanted me to bring it again. He's going through some stuff right now. I'm getting more worried about him. I think it's good for him coming into work, it gives him a break from all the other stuff that he takes on. But at the same time, he's been considering retirement for awhile now. He's only 60 but could get his pension since he's eligible. I hate seeing him depressed. He's someone that I find so fascinating and alive. I wish I had known him his whole life. And not only has his life been so interesting and colorful, but he's just such an amazing and good person. He's really on the top 10 list of people who I know. He's at the top of the list. But if I told him that he'd scoff and make it sound silly. He has no idea how wonderful and amazing he is, and how his innate goodness and sense of what's right, and how he reacts to that, makes him even that much better. I have the highest respect for him. And I also think he's sexy as hell. He's not perfect looking, he's not sexy in looks. But his whole attitude, his experience, his, just him, who he is - so sexy. I've thought it since I've known him. He's said to me a few times that if he was younger and single, I'd be in trouble. I'd love to be in trouble with him! I'd love to get him in trouble! But it's more of just an infatuation, along with my just loving him as a person and respecting him as one of the best and most interesting people that I know. He has for sure influenced me, in many little ways. And I am so lucky to know him and hope to always stay at least somewhat in contact with him (I'm thinking of when he's retired and not always working downtown).
Wow did I digress! I had to page up to remind myself where I was! Okay, so I practiced my terribly tuned guitar and watched the Cubs lose, unfortunately. It was during this time that Violet and Uganda visited and I talked to MWFB again. The Cubs game ended a little after 10 pm. So after that, I figured that he'd go home and call me. I actually thought that maybe he'd come right here to see me, so I waited for a long time to wash my face and get ready for bed. I'm so pathetic. I finally got ready for bed at 11:00 and read Harry Potter for a little while until I was too tired. I still had my phone next to me on the nightstand, just in case. I hate that! No call, not all night. But I waited around for it in so many ways.
Now, my one train of worry at this time: when I called back Warsteiner and he had said: "hello stranger" - I had even previously wondered if maybe he was like me and because I hadn't called HIM, he thought maybe I wasn't so into him. So I was much more giving. And really thinking that I should have called him on Thursday like I wanted to (I didn't because by the time I got off the phone with my Grandma, it was 11:30 Michigan time, and I didn't want to wake up him or his nieces and nephews just in case). But by Friday, I was just getting shocked that he hadn't called me, and wondering why, and my pride was hurt, and by then I didn't want to call him. I wanted to wait to see if he called me.
Anyway, today, I decided to email him. He didn't call me last night, but I wanted to let him know in a small way that I was still interested, just in case he was like me and thought I wasn't into him because I hadn't called during the week. So I sent him the following email:
"Hi there! I've missed you!
I hope the game was fun - I had it on in the background while I was practicing guitar, my first practice in a couple months. I had to bring the guitar to work with me today so [the Meat] could tune it for me - I always try, and I even use an electronic tuner, and I just mess it up. So last night when I was practicing, it sounded terrible but I played anyway, to start working on my calluses!
I hope I can talk to you soon!
[Caterpillar]"
He responded quickly with this:
"Hello Counselor!
You must have looked very sassy walking to work with your guitar. Hopefully, you were able to deal with all of the whistles. Will his honor be performing the tuning while in session? That would be very interesting.
Cubs game was fun last night -- I went with a friend from work. We still need to hit Wrigley -- hopefully to watch a winning cubs game.
Hope work is going well....I want to be back on a beach!
Warsteiner"
I read it to MWFB and showed it to Tivo along with what I wrote to him. Both said kind of the same thing - that it didn't sound very personable nor affectionate nor anything like it. But also, they felt that they don't know him. MWFB told me that I shouldn't reply to Warsteiner's response to my email. I should leave it at that and wait for him to call me, tonight. We both agreed that he'd for sure call me tonight.
Well, folks, it's 11:44 pm and he hasn't called!!! Oh how telling, and also how fucking pussy-assed on his part. I was ready to be nice and happy, but also ask what was going on - how come he called me every day for 3 weeks and suddenly didn't talk to me for a week. I was ready to nicely put him on the hot spot, to ask him whether he just wasn't that into me now, whether he met someone else, what was going on. But he never even called so I could get my answers. I know I'll hear from him sometime. But damn, I was so ready, and now I'm just pissed. Although, I hate real conflict so I won't ever be terrible and mean. But, at the same time, I'm no longer sad about him, just every once in awhile. I'm thinking that I'll put in my match profile that I like affection - I'm sure there would be TONS of guys willing to rub my arm and massage my fingers! But the fucking not calling thing is just pissing me off. What the fuck? He lives right below my friends! When he eventually calls, it will just be worse for him.
And still, even when I'm saying this stuff, I'm wondering "what did I do????" The ONLY thing I've been able to come up with is when I for a minute took the opposite side with him about marriage such that sometimes when a marriage just isn't working out, and you've worked on it, etc, it's better to cut your losses and try to find happiness. As a recap, he thinks that once you're married, you are married for better or worse, and from the sound of it, he doesn't really believe in divorce. It's nice in a way. Because I am so untrusting of men in many senses, so maybe I do need a guy who believes so strongly. And in a sense, I do think I need a guy more conservative than me. I don't think I would like a guy who was substantially more liberal than me. But then again, it's often about passion (and no, dirty-minds, for once I'm not talking about sex!), and at the same time open-mindedness. But I really think I'd trust a guy more if he were more conservative. But what's that all about? There are plenty of rich republican assholes who have affairs! I shouldn't be thinking that a guy is more trustworthy if he's republican, just because my dad would never cheat and President Bush, as much as I disagree with him on issues, would never, in my view, cheat on his wife. Well, I guess I just don't know what I want! But - and again I digressed. Two Saturdays ago, when Warsteiner and I hung out at the Taste of Lincoln festival, but at the end he got upset about his sister, and I took the opposing view just for a minute (even though I wasn't really being me - cause I DO understand his side, but I'd be arguing the other side as well just as vehemently when he couldn't see it) did that somehow turn his mind against me??? Because I didn't fully agree with him?
So, after Saturday, he called me at 9:30 at Sunday morning to wish me happy birthday, and as of Sunday night he told me he had wanted to call me earlier and at 9:30 he couldn't wait any longer. So, even though I've wondered whether maybe he just didn't want to act bad toward me on my birthday, even that doesn't work. Because he said he couldn't wait to call me to wish me happy birthday. And on that night, he was as sweet as ever and loving. And the couple mornings that I slept over, he's always in a hurry in the morning. But, if he was upset, why did he come by on Monday night on his way out just to say goodbye and give me hugs and kisses. WHAT THE FUCK??? What's up with this asshole, seriously? He wants to hug me goodbye on Monday, and then doesn't call me until Sunday. And then I call him Sunday night and he doesn't answer or call back. And then Monday I call him and and he's at the game and says "hello stranger" and says he'll call me later. And he doesn't. And then, I email him today, and I put myself out there a bit in case he didn't call cause I didn't call, so he'd know I'd LIKE him to call, and that I miss him - and yes, he emailed me right back, but no fucking call tonight!
Oh - and that brings me to something else, which I've mentioned to both Violet and Tivo - there was the episode in Sex and the City where a guy always used "we" with Samantha, and made future plans with her: "we'll do...; we're going to...." Anyway, I think the second time I went out with Warsteiner he was talking about how I'd meet his best girlfriend, and how we'd go eat there, and how we'd go to a Cubs game, and etc. SO, I didn't miss in today's email how he said "WE still need to hit Wrigley...."
Well, I'm a girl. When I read that, and yes I knew I was analyzing the email based on individual words, and I knew fully how much of a dork I call myself, even though I know I'm normal :) Still, the words "we" and "still" - what does that say? 1) the two of us, and 2) something in the future. Yet, he didn't call me tonight. It's just stupid now and ridiculous to even pretend that he likes me and that we may date. And I know a better person would completely lay this off and never look back. But I want to know what happened. Because if it was something about me, he reacted to it in slow motion. I just want to know, and I also am so pissed that I want to put his fucking-ass on the spot for a minute. I just want to know something. So I can make sense of it in my head. But I'm rarely sad anymore, well, for the past few hours anyway, only when I think of my excitement and excitement about affection and having someone.
I seriously cannot believe that he didn't call me!!!
I'm going to call him tomorrow. Fuck him. Somehow his little fucking attentions changed, just like a fucking 18-year-old, but he's going to at least have to answer to it like an almost 31-year-old.
Okay, no more of that, I feel bad when I'm mean and petty.
One more picture for your enjoyment, from my walk. View of the Hancock etc. from North Pond.
