My computer woes, my sadness, and more...
Quote of the Day:
Even if it burns a little low at times, the secret of life is to always keep the flame of hope alive.
My computer just finally started working again! I know I need to take it in, but I've been lazy about backing everything up, and also I don't know how long it will be gone, so I've been putting it off. For the past three months, my Toshiba laptop (which I got for Christmas just 7 months ago) has been only using the battery, even though it also registers that it's connected to a power source. So, while I use it, the battery goes down until the stupid thing starts beeping at me, and then I have to close the top to put it in hybernate (or is it hibernate?) mode, and then the power source charges up the battery again. Every once in awhile, it acts like it should. And also, every once in awhile, it uses the battery but doesn't charge it up again. Hence the past 24 hours. I'm so annoyed. Last night I was so good - I cleaned, I did laundry, and I sat down to work on the pictures for the DVD, but quickly the battery ran out so I closed it but no use, whenever I checked it, the battery kept going down. And I can also see at the front of the computer whether the battery light is lit orange, which means (usually) that it's charging. So I have to keep unplugging the thing from the back of the computer and replugging to get it right, so the orange light is lit. And then it goes away so I have to do it again. All day today I couldn't get on the computer cause either it wouldn't even turn on because no battery power, or else when I turned it on there would be 10% battery or less and it would be already beeping at me. Right now it's at 100%, but the battery light isn't green, which usually means that it will be using battery power.
So, I called my aunt at 10:30 this morning and told her about my problem, that not only did I not have the pictures organized, but I couldn't even use my computer. I called them tonight to tell them that it was the same. I just came to the couch and saw that I could use it, green light - yay!!! I've been in withdrawal! I have to see whether my aunt and I can get together later to get the DVD done, otherwise it will have to be given to Little Brother and The Future Sister-in-Law later :( Which means other people won't get to see it. Of course, I'll make DVD's for everyone in my family and for her family as well. It's my fault of course, ultimately, because I procrastinated. So I can't just blame my computer. By the way, to save time in my typing, and cause using dashes (-) which are hard cause I forget and automatically use the space, I'm from now on going to call The Future Sister-in-Law TFSIL. And of course, after next weekend, I'll be calling her I guess SIL.
Well, during the day, around 3:00 pm, I was so emotional and so wanting to document my feelings that I wrote them out because I couldn't type them. So here it is (4 1/2 pages written)(and battery is now 95% so luckily it's not going down too fast YET):
***
Next weekend, my brother's wedding, is going to be hard for me. For a couple of reasons. I'm excited to see all of my relatives again, especially my aunt from California, but at the same time, I can't wait for the weekend to be over.
First, and these aren't in any order, for some reason, when I'm around my family, I feel even fatter than I normally do. Like they are all looking at me and thinking it. And like my dad isn't as proud of me because I'm a little overweight. (He has never said this or indicated it, but my mom told me when I was young and eating a lot at one time that my dad worried that I'd end up overweight like my aunt, and something like that sticks with you forever). It will be worse this weekend, because I'll be in the bridesmaid dress that I don't like. With it being strapless, I feel naked. My arms, my back, there's not hiding. And that's because I can't even hide under my hair, which is often like a protective veil for me, since TFSIL is making us all wear our hair up, and also identically up. And that also brings me to the other bridesmaids. I've met two. The maid of honor isn't super skinny, but is slim, but she's tall and long, so even though maybe our arms are the same diameter at some point, her's are longer and so look so much slimmer. The other one who I've met is teensy, and by that I mean TINY - very petite and about a size 2. And I've seen pictures of the remaining two. One is just gorgeous and blond and skinny, and from what I remember of the other one, she's also skinny. SO, I would have been uncomfortable regardless in that dress, but now I'm going to feel so much worse compared to them. I'm going to be The Fat Bridesmaid. There's always one, you know there is - the biggest girl compared to the others, and you always notice her and feel bad for her. And I'm also the groom's sister, so everyone will know that I don't belong there as much as the other girls, I'm just there so that I'm included.
(2nd page) Second, I feel like I'm losing my brother. I know I'm not really, and he always makes me feel very special. Especially recently. Like for the bachelorette party, he told TFSIL to not make me take too many shots, and when he found out that she chose for us to skip dinner that night, he was a little upset with her that she fed his sister (me!) so many shots on an almost empty stomach. And also, before the party, he really made sure to introduce me to all the guys, and even the girls (which TFSIL was not doing), and really spent time with me, and also the next day called to make sure that the girls had included me a little. I love my brother so much! Anyway, I've been really emotional about him since they announced their engagement this past Thanksgiving. For example, at Christmas, after we all open presents, we give all the cards to each other. Little Brother told me "just read the card, it says it all." I read it and promptly started crying. And I'm not talking about a couple of tears, I'm talking about tears streaming down my face and I had to go upstairs on the pretext of cleaning up, so I could have a quick really good cry - with my face scrunching up and everything. The card was so sweet and so special, and so touching and perfect. And I know he always reads all the cards and picks out the perfect one, just like I do, but because he made the point to tell me, it was telling me even more how much he loves me and how close we are. But now he's going to be married. I know I shouldn't worry. He's been dating her for 5 or 6 years now, and we've only gotten closer. But I still just feel sad and threatened. I save all his cards and my parents cards as well (which my Dad has also signed since many years ago when I asked what the card said, since my mom signed for him!). My brother's Christmas card:
I don't usually cry at weddings. I know that's unusual for a girl. A couple of times my eyes have welled up a little, but nothing more. Except for at my best friend Cathy's wedding (we don't talk often anymore since she's in Hawaii, but I think of her often and still think of her as my best friend and know that she is one of my few soul mates in life). At Cathy's wedding I cried, for the same reason as I'll cry at my brother's: I felt like I was going to lose her, and I was a little jealous of her husband, that he was more important to her than I was. So when my brother is saying his vows and looking at TFSIL with love in his eyes, everyone will be tearing up over the beauty of it all, while I'll be tearing up because I'm sad and scared of losing him and not being as important in his life. I'm crying as I write this, just thinking of it. One thing that made me feel happy was actually one of my brother's friends, right before all of us girls left for the bachelorette party. My brother's friend told me how happy he was to be living in the same city now as his sister, and he said that he'd never say this to his sister, and he's sure my brother has never said it to me, but for a guy, his sister means everything to him. I loved that, and I cling to that.
And the third reason. (81% battery left). I'm sure at least a couple comments will come along about IT happening to me as well SOMEDAY - "it" being the getting married thing. My brother sometimes even says it in a joking brother-sister way, although now that I think about it, he hasn't made a joke of it recently. But those comments bother me more than the people making them can know. However, at this wedding, even if it's not said, I'll be thinking that that's what everyone is thinking regarding me, especially my family (even though they won't be thinking it meanly, but always hoping for me. Still, I will almost feel like they are pitying me, even though I know they won't be focusing on me, but on my brother. This makes me feel worse now, being so self-centered. Who am I to think everyone is going to be thinking about ME on my brother's wedding day!!!). Because what if it doesn't happen. What if I never find a real true love. What if I never get married and never have someone to spend my life with and wake up to every day. I'm now 29 and have nothing (except my sweetest kittens, who make my life wonderful!) - not even a boyfriend. And it's so lonely. (3rd page) I'm sitting on my balcony right now and down below I see couples everywhere walking on the street. And I'm sitting alone and sad up here, by myself. And I should be out enjoying life, walking on my own, going to sit by the lake and read my book. But I'm sad. And I get anxiety sometimes when I'm out walking around myself. I feel like everyone is looking at how fat I am and seeing my stomach fat jiggling a little through my shirt when I walk. Plus, it's not fun for me to just walk alone. I like being with someone.
And I don't think anymore that that someone will be Warsteiner. If he liked me at all or just respected my feelings, he would have called me this week, even if just once. The fact that he hasn't, has made me discount him and have no hope anymore that he could be my boyfriend, let alone someone I might want to marry. And that's disappointing, too, and I know it's a contributing factor to my feeling blue today. I love the feeling of being excited about a guy, and looking forward to seeing him and talking to him. And I love being able to fall asleep next to someone, and feel like he likes you being there. I love receiving affection and being able to give it. And I loved the feeling of being wanted (both sexually and just as a person) and being a couple while walking down the street - of having someone hold my hand while we walk, and of going to dinner and talking and laughing and holding hands. I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And I'll never experience all the joy that I should and could. Something is just wrong with me that I can never find someone. Either it's someone who I like but who isn't into me, or someone who is into me but who I'm not into. I mean, with regard to looks - I think I'm cute - most of the time I think I'm pretty, and every once in awhile I think I'm hot. And except for being 20 lbs overweight, I have a pretty nice body, very well proportioned. I'm smart and nice and in my opinion I have a great sense of humor and a fun personality. Maybe it's my lack of self-confidence. Or my fear of conflict so that I never get too deep and ask guys the questions that I'm afraid to hear the answers to.
(4th page) Anyway, next weekend I'm going to feel alone and like a loser. And I won't even be able to get drunk to hide my insecurities, since my family will all be there. A little admission - the reason that I ended up getting so drunk at TFSIL's bachelorette party was because a big group of hot guys came over to our tables (they all looked identical - which was pretty funny in hindsight - medium dark jeans and a light colored, mostly striped button-downs untucked). Anyway, they brought with them a whole basket of shots and started talking to us. Only none of them talked to me. They were all talking to the cute and skinny 24-year-olds. I went to the bathroom and on the way there, saw myself walking in a mirror - and was appalled by how fat I am. My arms, my shoulders, my whole being was just oversized, unlike the other girls who I was with. I got really, really sad and just wanted to cry, beat myself, or go home. Instead, when I got back, I drowned my sorrows by doing shots with some of the girls, as the guys talked to the other girls. A couple of guys eventually talked to me, according to the pictures, when I was really drunk. It was terrible for me. I remember being really drunk and I remember someone saying that they were going to put me in a cab. I have no recollection of the cab ride home or of going up to my apartment. I do remember falling in my bathroom. Sometimes I really scare myself. That's the reason that on the rare times when I go out drinking, I usually take it really easy and drink only as fast as the people who I'm with. And it's also the reason why I started doing most of my drinking alone. So I wouldn't get into any situations, or scare myself the next morning as to what I did or how I got home.
My eyes hurt from crying. When I was putting my makeup on, I suddenly started thinking of my brother and of everything that I just wrote about, and I had a very good cry. It's so beautiful outside today and for a change not super hot and humid. I don't have to be running the AC! The lake looks absolutely gorgeous (I'll post a picture). At least I'm outside, even if it's just on my balcony by myself. It's one of the reasons I rented this (5th page - 63%) apartment and loved the idea of a balcony - because I know myself and how I get, and if I can at least be sitting out here watching people below, and watching the water and boats, and feeling the fresh air and breeze, I won't feel as bad as when I would stay in my old apartment all day before and never actually be outside or see people. So this makes me feel like I'm part of the world.
[an insert here - so I don't forget. I'm watching the animal planet, which has nothing to do with what I'm going to say. I just heard some music that reminded me of one of the season finales of Growing Pains - when the family was in Hawaii and Mike (Kirk Cameron, my first love - the first guy I had serious, crying, strong feelings about!) was watching the Hawaiian girl dance. The music in the background I loved, whatever song it was! Oh how I wish I could hear it now! I wonder if I could google Growing Pains and find it - I'll let you know if I do find anything.]
I think I may paint tonight. Only every once in awhile do I get my oil paints out and paper or canvas. Mostly because I don't know what I'm doing nor do I know how to paint. I have ideas in my mind of what and how I'd love to paint if I could - those are the kinds of paintings I want to buy when I see them, and they really touch me in some way - but unfortunately, I have no talent. NO talent. Sometime I want to take a class so I can learn some basic things. But for now, I'll just try. I feel like painting today because yesterday on the bus, we went past the Gold Coast/River North Art Fair and there were so many pretty paintings that I saw just from the window of the bus! Maybe I will go down tomorrow and walk around, and see if I can take pictures of what I like, because I can't afford anything right now. But for tonight, I'm just going to paint and create, and not expect too much.
***
Well, I did paint! My paints are still out on the table, in fact. James kept mewing for attention and I'd give him a tiny belly rub but then he'd mew for more, so finally I picked him up and took him to the couch, at which time I saw the magic green light, which meant my battery was charged - yay! First, I tried free painting on a small canvas that I had a long time ago just painted light purple. I thought maybe I could do a really freestyle, sort of impressionistic view of the lake and trees and houses from my balcony. It looks like a 1st grader painted it. I gave up quickly on that. So, I went back to what I was doing last year. I had bought these big stencil patterns that were the size of my canvas paper and penciled in the stencil, and last year I painted part of one. So tonight I started on the second one. I know it seems so simple, I'm painting in the lines, and all that, but I add my little stuff to try to show shadow or dimension at least, and at least I feel like I'm producing something. And it's pretty! When I finish it I'll take a picture and post it here. Except that I never know what to do for the background! I'm painting flowers and stems and leaves and all that within the lines. But I may just skip the background, cause I don't know what I'm doing there and that's also what confuses me with oil paints - they stay wet for awhile so the real artists use that and do amazing things! But I'm not a natural with painting! Only with photography! But who cares, it's fun! And I actually feel like I did something productive that I'm proud of!
Since earlier, when I wrote out my feelings, I have been getting more and more upset about Warsteiner. Right now I feel like maybe he's just never going to call me. But so what went wrong? What did I do? And when I ask myself that, I yell at myself in one sense, because why do I assume that I did anything!! The last time I saw him, everything was fine and he was coming to even see me really quickly before he left. Because of the length of time since I have talked to him, I feel like something must be wrong and he must not like me anymore. But I really shouldn't assume that. I'm just the same as before, the girl he liked, and I'm kick-ass!!!! SO, it must be him!!!! I'm going to try to stick with that!!!!
Oh - I did call Wiggles on Thursday night. (48% battery left). He sounded good - he said that he didn't want to take medication. Fine, a lot of guys seem to be that way. Even though meds have helped me immensely. But, he said that he'd started doing yoga and was doing it semi-regularly, and wanted to keep doing it and more, and that it was really helping just with his awareness and such. And also, he's been leaving work by 5:30 and so getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night, instead of the 3 or 4 hours that he was getting before. He did sound much better. And he said that every once in awhile he does get in a funk and doesn't want to do anything or leave the house or such, but now he's feeling better and is ready to get back out into the world. So I was happy. He said he'd never talked to anyone about this, or felt comfortable talking to anyone about it, so I was very happy that I could fill that roll, since it's very necessary, and I told him he could talk to me anytime. I told him how busy I was in the next couple weeks but suggested meeting for a beer after thing calmed down. The next morning, he sent me an email saying, among other things "It was good to hear from you again--it was good to hear your voice and your cute laugh!" He's a good guy. I'm just not into him. But hopefully we can just hang out and be friends.
I just saw a hippo on Animal Planet roar at another hippo - holy crap can they open their mouths wide!
James is asking for love now, he keeps mewing at me, my sweetie! I'll post a couple pictures of my sweetest and cutest babies as well!
Another pointless bit of info: I haven't gone out on my balcony much lately for two reasons. One, the heat. And two, the spiders. I HATE, HATE, HATE spiders. Well, I can take the tiny ones, but not the ones with big round bottom parts of their bodys and long icky legs. They're so terrible and gross! Well, today, as you know, I was out on my balcony. And the spiders don't usually come out until early evening, so I wasn't so worried earlier, even though I looked all over numerous times. And I now use one of James and Emma's old toy wands (where the toy broke off) to get rid of the spider webs out there. So here is the point of all this. When, around 5:30, I was inside talking to my aunt and uncle about my terrible computer, I saw an equally terrible, awful, so disgusting spider making it's web alongside my balcony. It had a huge butt part, and such icky, awful, make me squeal gross legs. It was huge and terrible. Usually I'd stay away and not even deal with it. But I kind of got pissed that this gross thing was keeping me off my balcony. So I opened the screen door enough so that I could take the wand, and I swatted at it, and it went flying. I'm sure it found itself another balcony below me. But I checked for forever to see if came back up and it didn't!!! I was almost going to use my spider-sucker-upper-most-amazing-bug(spider)-catcher-in-the-world but I wasn't quite that evil. I couldn't bring myself to kill the spider (the sucker-upper of course doesn't immediately kill it, but it will die in the thing eventually - and it was outside, so it's not like it had invaded my territory so that I was justified in killing it) so I just hit it off.
I'm watching Hippo sex. It wasn't much. The male mounts the female, but all you see of the female is her nostils. Oh - now it's labor - which lasts an hour. The baby is so cute!!!! Born at 65 pounds. He's teensy compared to his mom! Oh, it's so cute! And she protects her baby like I protect my James and Emmalove!
Warsteiner...I don't know what to think. I'm disappointed because I liked the excitement. I also liked talking with him and he was so affectionate and also funny. However, I did have my worries. I just don't understand the sudden lack of communication. The first couple days, fine, he was on vacation. But if he liked me so much, why didn't he want to call me? And if he didn't like me, why did he come to say a special goodbye? I just don't understand. I'm probably spending way too much time thinking about it. Because obviously he hasn't given me a second of thought. That just pisses me off! The difference between the sexes! Sometimes it's so unfair, even though I would always choose to be a girl instead of a guy. That would probably be different if I lived a hundred years ago or anytime earlier than that. Thank GOD that we were born now!!!!
Oh - one other thing. I've had two dreams now about The German that have both left me all bothered. First, last Saturday night, I dreamed that he just disappeared suddenly, and My Wonderful Friend Benji (MWFB) and I were all worried. And then somehow we heard that he had fallen in love with a guy who had AIDS and lived in New York City, and that he had moved to NYC. So MWFB and I flew to NY looking for him and went to a club, which is somewhere that he would never hang out, but we saw him there and he was wearing a tank top and he didn't seem to bat an eye that I had come all the way to see him. All he was concerned about was himself and his new love, and he didn't even understand that he had hurt me, let alone did he care.
My second dream I just remembered tonight. I dreamed it sometime this week. He was basically dating and living with Natalie Portman as she looked like in the movie Closer (but luckily she was just a smarty-pants type and never how she looked in the stripper scenes). He said she had just moved in with him the day they met, and that he couldn't get rid of her. It was terrible.
One of the side effects of my new antidepressant, Effexor XR, is dreams. I have been worried about the sexual side effects and I'm going to look that up. When I was on Celexa, I'd start my porn and within 3 minutes of using the Rabbit I'd cum (do you say "cum" for a girl, too, or "come"? I guess "cum" makes more sense right now, until I hear differently) for the first time. It's taking me longer now. Sometimes 15 minutes, which is just frustrating to me. And I've had a few times recently with fabulous action where I just didn't cum. It's been very frustrating. So I need to look into this. Of course, today I was frustrated at first, but I did cum in about 10 minutes, so it wasn't terrible. And both today and yesterday after cumming, it was so worth it to not cum to quick - my heart was beating fast for at least 5 minutes afterward. Still, I'm going to investigate. I have felt enough frustration to investigate.
Oh my gosh. I've had the hippo thing playing in the background and have been half paying attention. They'd been following the mom and her baby that I reported the birth of earlier. At 13 months, the baby was just killed by a crocodile. And the poor mom couldn't do anything but watch as her baby was dragged away. I sat in shock for a minute while watching, until they confirmed what happened. That's so terrible!!!!! That poor baby and the poor mom! Little James is laying on my leg now and I'm so happy that I can protect my babies and give them a happy life. And I've decided also that I'm going to try a few times volunteering for a place that finds homes for homeless animals. I know that it will be so hard in one sense, but at the same time, I can give these cats and dogs some love and hopefully some hope. And I swear, if I find an especially special one, I'm going to take it and take it to my grandma, who I've been telling for years to get a cat and she always says she may die soon. A cat would make her life five hundred thousand times better than it is right now!!!
I forget anything else I was going to talk about. But oh - I just saw a crocodile get a zebra. I don't like crocodiles! Okay, well I'm going to put my pictures in and post this! Oh yes, I have to get imput (or input?) for the wine party my volunteer group is having. Price per person for us is $50. Our goal is to make money for the clinic, but we also want to have new people come. We are undecided now on $65 (which we decided when thought it would be $40/person) or $75. $65 doesn't sound like as much, so we would hopefully have more people come, especially due to the good location). We figured that anyone who would pay $70 would pay $75. We want to make money - our ultimate goal, but we'd also like to have more people. Any thoughts??? (10% and beeping - I'll post pictures and let it refresh battery)
Even if it burns a little low at times, the secret of life is to always keep the flame of hope alive.
My computer just finally started working again! I know I need to take it in, but I've been lazy about backing everything up, and also I don't know how long it will be gone, so I've been putting it off. For the past three months, my Toshiba laptop (which I got for Christmas just 7 months ago) has been only using the battery, even though it also registers that it's connected to a power source. So, while I use it, the battery goes down until the stupid thing starts beeping at me, and then I have to close the top to put it in hybernate (or is it hibernate?) mode, and then the power source charges up the battery again. Every once in awhile, it acts like it should. And also, every once in awhile, it uses the battery but doesn't charge it up again. Hence the past 24 hours. I'm so annoyed. Last night I was so good - I cleaned, I did laundry, and I sat down to work on the pictures for the DVD, but quickly the battery ran out so I closed it but no use, whenever I checked it, the battery kept going down. And I can also see at the front of the computer whether the battery light is lit orange, which means (usually) that it's charging. So I have to keep unplugging the thing from the back of the computer and replugging to get it right, so the orange light is lit. And then it goes away so I have to do it again. All day today I couldn't get on the computer cause either it wouldn't even turn on because no battery power, or else when I turned it on there would be 10% battery or less and it would be already beeping at me. Right now it's at 100%, but the battery light isn't green, which usually means that it will be using battery power.
So, I called my aunt at 10:30 this morning and told her about my problem, that not only did I not have the pictures organized, but I couldn't even use my computer. I called them tonight to tell them that it was the same. I just came to the couch and saw that I could use it, green light - yay!!! I've been in withdrawal! I have to see whether my aunt and I can get together later to get the DVD done, otherwise it will have to be given to Little Brother and The Future Sister-in-Law later :( Which means other people won't get to see it. Of course, I'll make DVD's for everyone in my family and for her family as well. It's my fault of course, ultimately, because I procrastinated. So I can't just blame my computer. By the way, to save time in my typing, and cause using dashes (-) which are hard cause I forget and automatically use the space, I'm from now on going to call The Future Sister-in-Law TFSIL. And of course, after next weekend, I'll be calling her I guess SIL.
Well, during the day, around 3:00 pm, I was so emotional and so wanting to document my feelings that I wrote them out because I couldn't type them. So here it is (4 1/2 pages written)(and battery is now 95% so luckily it's not going down too fast YET):
***
Next weekend, my brother's wedding, is going to be hard for me. For a couple of reasons. I'm excited to see all of my relatives again, especially my aunt from California, but at the same time, I can't wait for the weekend to be over.
First, and these aren't in any order, for some reason, when I'm around my family, I feel even fatter than I normally do. Like they are all looking at me and thinking it. And like my dad isn't as proud of me because I'm a little overweight. (He has never said this or indicated it, but my mom told me when I was young and eating a lot at one time that my dad worried that I'd end up overweight like my aunt, and something like that sticks with you forever). It will be worse this weekend, because I'll be in the bridesmaid dress that I don't like. With it being strapless, I feel naked. My arms, my back, there's not hiding. And that's because I can't even hide under my hair, which is often like a protective veil for me, since TFSIL is making us all wear our hair up, and also identically up. And that also brings me to the other bridesmaids. I've met two. The maid of honor isn't super skinny, but is slim, but she's tall and long, so even though maybe our arms are the same diameter at some point, her's are longer and so look so much slimmer. The other one who I've met is teensy, and by that I mean TINY - very petite and about a size 2. And I've seen pictures of the remaining two. One is just gorgeous and blond and skinny, and from what I remember of the other one, she's also skinny. SO, I would have been uncomfortable regardless in that dress, but now I'm going to feel so much worse compared to them. I'm going to be The Fat Bridesmaid. There's always one, you know there is - the biggest girl compared to the others, and you always notice her and feel bad for her. And I'm also the groom's sister, so everyone will know that I don't belong there as much as the other girls, I'm just there so that I'm included.
(2nd page) Second, I feel like I'm losing my brother. I know I'm not really, and he always makes me feel very special. Especially recently. Like for the bachelorette party, he told TFSIL to not make me take too many shots, and when he found out that she chose for us to skip dinner that night, he was a little upset with her that she fed his sister (me!) so many shots on an almost empty stomach. And also, before the party, he really made sure to introduce me to all the guys, and even the girls (which TFSIL was not doing), and really spent time with me, and also the next day called to make sure that the girls had included me a little. I love my brother so much! Anyway, I've been really emotional about him since they announced their engagement this past Thanksgiving. For example, at Christmas, after we all open presents, we give all the cards to each other. Little Brother told me "just read the card, it says it all." I read it and promptly started crying. And I'm not talking about a couple of tears, I'm talking about tears streaming down my face and I had to go upstairs on the pretext of cleaning up, so I could have a quick really good cry - with my face scrunching up and everything. The card was so sweet and so special, and so touching and perfect. And I know he always reads all the cards and picks out the perfect one, just like I do, but because he made the point to tell me, it was telling me even more how much he loves me and how close we are. But now he's going to be married. I know I shouldn't worry. He's been dating her for 5 or 6 years now, and we've only gotten closer. But I still just feel sad and threatened. I save all his cards and my parents cards as well (which my Dad has also signed since many years ago when I asked what the card said, since my mom signed for him!). My brother's Christmas card:
"For a sister who means so much.
You were one of my very first friends, and you're still one of my best. I know you'll always take my side, you'll always be there for me, no matter what. I can't imagine you not being in my life. You're my sister...and that says it all."
This is what sent me into tears. It's so simple, and so perfect, and also how I feel about my brother.I don't usually cry at weddings. I know that's unusual for a girl. A couple of times my eyes have welled up a little, but nothing more. Except for at my best friend Cathy's wedding (we don't talk often anymore since she's in Hawaii, but I think of her often and still think of her as my best friend and know that she is one of my few soul mates in life). At Cathy's wedding I cried, for the same reason as I'll cry at my brother's: I felt like I was going to lose her, and I was a little jealous of her husband, that he was more important to her than I was. So when my brother is saying his vows and looking at TFSIL with love in his eyes, everyone will be tearing up over the beauty of it all, while I'll be tearing up because I'm sad and scared of losing him and not being as important in his life. I'm crying as I write this, just thinking of it. One thing that made me feel happy was actually one of my brother's friends, right before all of us girls left for the bachelorette party. My brother's friend told me how happy he was to be living in the same city now as his sister, and he said that he'd never say this to his sister, and he's sure my brother has never said it to me, but for a guy, his sister means everything to him. I loved that, and I cling to that.
And the third reason. (81% battery left). I'm sure at least a couple comments will come along about IT happening to me as well SOMEDAY - "it" being the getting married thing. My brother sometimes even says it in a joking brother-sister way, although now that I think about it, he hasn't made a joke of it recently. But those comments bother me more than the people making them can know. However, at this wedding, even if it's not said, I'll be thinking that that's what everyone is thinking regarding me, especially my family (even though they won't be thinking it meanly, but always hoping for me. Still, I will almost feel like they are pitying me, even though I know they won't be focusing on me, but on my brother. This makes me feel worse now, being so self-centered. Who am I to think everyone is going to be thinking about ME on my brother's wedding day!!!). Because what if it doesn't happen. What if I never find a real true love. What if I never get married and never have someone to spend my life with and wake up to every day. I'm now 29 and have nothing (except my sweetest kittens, who make my life wonderful!) - not even a boyfriend. And it's so lonely. (3rd page) I'm sitting on my balcony right now and down below I see couples everywhere walking on the street. And I'm sitting alone and sad up here, by myself. And I should be out enjoying life, walking on my own, going to sit by the lake and read my book. But I'm sad. And I get anxiety sometimes when I'm out walking around myself. I feel like everyone is looking at how fat I am and seeing my stomach fat jiggling a little through my shirt when I walk. Plus, it's not fun for me to just walk alone. I like being with someone.
And I don't think anymore that that someone will be Warsteiner. If he liked me at all or just respected my feelings, he would have called me this week, even if just once. The fact that he hasn't, has made me discount him and have no hope anymore that he could be my boyfriend, let alone someone I might want to marry. And that's disappointing, too, and I know it's a contributing factor to my feeling blue today. I love the feeling of being excited about a guy, and looking forward to seeing him and talking to him. And I love being able to fall asleep next to someone, and feel like he likes you being there. I love receiving affection and being able to give it. And I loved the feeling of being wanted (both sexually and just as a person) and being a couple while walking down the street - of having someone hold my hand while we walk, and of going to dinner and talking and laughing and holding hands. I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And I'll never experience all the joy that I should and could. Something is just wrong with me that I can never find someone. Either it's someone who I like but who isn't into me, or someone who is into me but who I'm not into. I mean, with regard to looks - I think I'm cute - most of the time I think I'm pretty, and every once in awhile I think I'm hot. And except for being 20 lbs overweight, I have a pretty nice body, very well proportioned. I'm smart and nice and in my opinion I have a great sense of humor and a fun personality. Maybe it's my lack of self-confidence. Or my fear of conflict so that I never get too deep and ask guys the questions that I'm afraid to hear the answers to.
(4th page) Anyway, next weekend I'm going to feel alone and like a loser. And I won't even be able to get drunk to hide my insecurities, since my family will all be there. A little admission - the reason that I ended up getting so drunk at TFSIL's bachelorette party was because a big group of hot guys came over to our tables (they all looked identical - which was pretty funny in hindsight - medium dark jeans and a light colored, mostly striped button-downs untucked). Anyway, they brought with them a whole basket of shots and started talking to us. Only none of them talked to me. They were all talking to the cute and skinny 24-year-olds. I went to the bathroom and on the way there, saw myself walking in a mirror - and was appalled by how fat I am. My arms, my shoulders, my whole being was just oversized, unlike the other girls who I was with. I got really, really sad and just wanted to cry, beat myself, or go home. Instead, when I got back, I drowned my sorrows by doing shots with some of the girls, as the guys talked to the other girls. A couple of guys eventually talked to me, according to the pictures, when I was really drunk. It was terrible for me. I remember being really drunk and I remember someone saying that they were going to put me in a cab. I have no recollection of the cab ride home or of going up to my apartment. I do remember falling in my bathroom. Sometimes I really scare myself. That's the reason that on the rare times when I go out drinking, I usually take it really easy and drink only as fast as the people who I'm with. And it's also the reason why I started doing most of my drinking alone. So I wouldn't get into any situations, or scare myself the next morning as to what I did or how I got home.
My eyes hurt from crying. When I was putting my makeup on, I suddenly started thinking of my brother and of everything that I just wrote about, and I had a very good cry. It's so beautiful outside today and for a change not super hot and humid. I don't have to be running the AC! The lake looks absolutely gorgeous (I'll post a picture). At least I'm outside, even if it's just on my balcony by myself. It's one of the reasons I rented this (5th page - 63%) apartment and loved the idea of a balcony - because I know myself and how I get, and if I can at least be sitting out here watching people below, and watching the water and boats, and feeling the fresh air and breeze, I won't feel as bad as when I would stay in my old apartment all day before and never actually be outside or see people. So this makes me feel like I'm part of the world.
[an insert here - so I don't forget. I'm watching the animal planet, which has nothing to do with what I'm going to say. I just heard some music that reminded me of one of the season finales of Growing Pains - when the family was in Hawaii and Mike (Kirk Cameron, my first love - the first guy I had serious, crying, strong feelings about!) was watching the Hawaiian girl dance. The music in the background I loved, whatever song it was! Oh how I wish I could hear it now! I wonder if I could google Growing Pains and find it - I'll let you know if I do find anything.]
I think I may paint tonight. Only every once in awhile do I get my oil paints out and paper or canvas. Mostly because I don't know what I'm doing nor do I know how to paint. I have ideas in my mind of what and how I'd love to paint if I could - those are the kinds of paintings I want to buy when I see them, and they really touch me in some way - but unfortunately, I have no talent. NO talent. Sometime I want to take a class so I can learn some basic things. But for now, I'll just try. I feel like painting today because yesterday on the bus, we went past the Gold Coast/River North Art Fair and there were so many pretty paintings that I saw just from the window of the bus! Maybe I will go down tomorrow and walk around, and see if I can take pictures of what I like, because I can't afford anything right now. But for tonight, I'm just going to paint and create, and not expect too much.
***
Well, I did paint! My paints are still out on the table, in fact. James kept mewing for attention and I'd give him a tiny belly rub but then he'd mew for more, so finally I picked him up and took him to the couch, at which time I saw the magic green light, which meant my battery was charged - yay! First, I tried free painting on a small canvas that I had a long time ago just painted light purple. I thought maybe I could do a really freestyle, sort of impressionistic view of the lake and trees and houses from my balcony. It looks like a 1st grader painted it. I gave up quickly on that. So, I went back to what I was doing last year. I had bought these big stencil patterns that were the size of my canvas paper and penciled in the stencil, and last year I painted part of one. So tonight I started on the second one. I know it seems so simple, I'm painting in the lines, and all that, but I add my little stuff to try to show shadow or dimension at least, and at least I feel like I'm producing something. And it's pretty! When I finish it I'll take a picture and post it here. Except that I never know what to do for the background! I'm painting flowers and stems and leaves and all that within the lines. But I may just skip the background, cause I don't know what I'm doing there and that's also what confuses me with oil paints - they stay wet for awhile so the real artists use that and do amazing things! But I'm not a natural with painting! Only with photography! But who cares, it's fun! And I actually feel like I did something productive that I'm proud of!
Since earlier, when I wrote out my feelings, I have been getting more and more upset about Warsteiner. Right now I feel like maybe he's just never going to call me. But so what went wrong? What did I do? And when I ask myself that, I yell at myself in one sense, because why do I assume that I did anything!! The last time I saw him, everything was fine and he was coming to even see me really quickly before he left. Because of the length of time since I have talked to him, I feel like something must be wrong and he must not like me anymore. But I really shouldn't assume that. I'm just the same as before, the girl he liked, and I'm kick-ass!!!! SO, it must be him!!!! I'm going to try to stick with that!!!!
Oh - I did call Wiggles on Thursday night. (48% battery left). He sounded good - he said that he didn't want to take medication. Fine, a lot of guys seem to be that way. Even though meds have helped me immensely. But, he said that he'd started doing yoga and was doing it semi-regularly, and wanted to keep doing it and more, and that it was really helping just with his awareness and such. And also, he's been leaving work by 5:30 and so getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night, instead of the 3 or 4 hours that he was getting before. He did sound much better. And he said that every once in awhile he does get in a funk and doesn't want to do anything or leave the house or such, but now he's feeling better and is ready to get back out into the world. So I was happy. He said he'd never talked to anyone about this, or felt comfortable talking to anyone about it, so I was very happy that I could fill that roll, since it's very necessary, and I told him he could talk to me anytime. I told him how busy I was in the next couple weeks but suggested meeting for a beer after thing calmed down. The next morning, he sent me an email saying, among other things "It was good to hear from you again--it was good to hear your voice and your cute laugh!" He's a good guy. I'm just not into him. But hopefully we can just hang out and be friends.
I just saw a hippo on Animal Planet roar at another hippo - holy crap can they open their mouths wide!
James is asking for love now, he keeps mewing at me, my sweetie! I'll post a couple pictures of my sweetest and cutest babies as well!
Another pointless bit of info: I haven't gone out on my balcony much lately for two reasons. One, the heat. And two, the spiders. I HATE, HATE, HATE spiders. Well, I can take the tiny ones, but not the ones with big round bottom parts of their bodys and long icky legs. They're so terrible and gross! Well, today, as you know, I was out on my balcony. And the spiders don't usually come out until early evening, so I wasn't so worried earlier, even though I looked all over numerous times. And I now use one of James and Emma's old toy wands (where the toy broke off) to get rid of the spider webs out there. So here is the point of all this. When, around 5:30, I was inside talking to my aunt and uncle about my terrible computer, I saw an equally terrible, awful, so disgusting spider making it's web alongside my balcony. It had a huge butt part, and such icky, awful, make me squeal gross legs. It was huge and terrible. Usually I'd stay away and not even deal with it. But I kind of got pissed that this gross thing was keeping me off my balcony. So I opened the screen door enough so that I could take the wand, and I swatted at it, and it went flying. I'm sure it found itself another balcony below me. But I checked for forever to see if came back up and it didn't!!! I was almost going to use my spider-sucker-upper-most-amazing-bug(spider)-catcher-in-the-world but I wasn't quite that evil. I couldn't bring myself to kill the spider (the sucker-upper of course doesn't immediately kill it, but it will die in the thing eventually - and it was outside, so it's not like it had invaded my territory so that I was justified in killing it) so I just hit it off.
I'm watching Hippo sex. It wasn't much. The male mounts the female, but all you see of the female is her nostils. Oh - now it's labor - which lasts an hour. The baby is so cute!!!! Born at 65 pounds. He's teensy compared to his mom! Oh, it's so cute! And she protects her baby like I protect my James and Emmalove!
Warsteiner...I don't know what to think. I'm disappointed because I liked the excitement. I also liked talking with him and he was so affectionate and also funny. However, I did have my worries. I just don't understand the sudden lack of communication. The first couple days, fine, he was on vacation. But if he liked me so much, why didn't he want to call me? And if he didn't like me, why did he come to say a special goodbye? I just don't understand. I'm probably spending way too much time thinking about it. Because obviously he hasn't given me a second of thought. That just pisses me off! The difference between the sexes! Sometimes it's so unfair, even though I would always choose to be a girl instead of a guy. That would probably be different if I lived a hundred years ago or anytime earlier than that. Thank GOD that we were born now!!!!
Oh - one other thing. I've had two dreams now about The German that have both left me all bothered. First, last Saturday night, I dreamed that he just disappeared suddenly, and My Wonderful Friend Benji (MWFB) and I were all worried. And then somehow we heard that he had fallen in love with a guy who had AIDS and lived in New York City, and that he had moved to NYC. So MWFB and I flew to NY looking for him and went to a club, which is somewhere that he would never hang out, but we saw him there and he was wearing a tank top and he didn't seem to bat an eye that I had come all the way to see him. All he was concerned about was himself and his new love, and he didn't even understand that he had hurt me, let alone did he care.
My second dream I just remembered tonight. I dreamed it sometime this week. He was basically dating and living with Natalie Portman as she looked like in the movie Closer (but luckily she was just a smarty-pants type and never how she looked in the stripper scenes). He said she had just moved in with him the day they met, and that he couldn't get rid of her. It was terrible.
One of the side effects of my new antidepressant, Effexor XR, is dreams. I have been worried about the sexual side effects and I'm going to look that up. When I was on Celexa, I'd start my porn and within 3 minutes of using the Rabbit I'd cum (do you say "cum" for a girl, too, or "come"? I guess "cum" makes more sense right now, until I hear differently) for the first time. It's taking me longer now. Sometimes 15 minutes, which is just frustrating to me. And I've had a few times recently with fabulous action where I just didn't cum. It's been very frustrating. So I need to look into this. Of course, today I was frustrated at first, but I did cum in about 10 minutes, so it wasn't terrible. And both today and yesterday after cumming, it was so worth it to not cum to quick - my heart was beating fast for at least 5 minutes afterward. Still, I'm going to investigate. I have felt enough frustration to investigate.
Oh my gosh. I've had the hippo thing playing in the background and have been half paying attention. They'd been following the mom and her baby that I reported the birth of earlier. At 13 months, the baby was just killed by a crocodile. And the poor mom couldn't do anything but watch as her baby was dragged away. I sat in shock for a minute while watching, until they confirmed what happened. That's so terrible!!!!! That poor baby and the poor mom! Little James is laying on my leg now and I'm so happy that I can protect my babies and give them a happy life. And I've decided also that I'm going to try a few times volunteering for a place that finds homes for homeless animals. I know that it will be so hard in one sense, but at the same time, I can give these cats and dogs some love and hopefully some hope. And I swear, if I find an especially special one, I'm going to take it and take it to my grandma, who I've been telling for years to get a cat and she always says she may die soon. A cat would make her life five hundred thousand times better than it is right now!!!
I forget anything else I was going to talk about. But oh - I just saw a crocodile get a zebra. I don't like crocodiles! Okay, well I'm going to put my pictures in and post this! Oh yes, I have to get imput (or input?) for the wine party my volunteer group is having. Price per person for us is $50. Our goal is to make money for the clinic, but we also want to have new people come. We are undecided now on $65 (which we decided when thought it would be $40/person) or $75. $65 doesn't sound like as much, so we would hopefully have more people come, especially due to the good location). We figured that anyone who would pay $70 would pay $75. We want to make money - our ultimate goal, but we'd also like to have more people. Any thoughts??? (10% and beeping - I'll post pictures and let it refresh battery)
