I hurt my friend, and I have to do something about it, but I also want to hide from it
I have a friend who has applied for the same job for which I have my second interview tomorrow. The job that I really, really, really want. I know that she applied but I don't know whether she got a first interview and/or a second interview as well. I never wanted to ask her. First, because this is the job that I really want, and I didn't want to know - also I didn't want to think about being in competition with one of my closest friends, and for a job that I really wanted and was invested in. The day after the job opening was posted, I was so excited and told her about it, and then she said she'd seen it as well - actually her mom had forwarded it to her, and asked if I'd be upset if she applied for it, too. I didn't answer at first, and when she asked again I said no, of course she had every right to apply. But right then even I hated being in competition with a friend, and the fact that I couldn't talk to her about the job and how excited I was and everything else that I've only been able to talk to others about. The day the applications were due, I mentioned the job and she let me know that she applied as well. I don't know whether she was surprised that I had applied or not, it almost seemed like it, like she didn't believe that I really wanted this job and to work for this organization. I may of course have been reading way too much into the way she said it.
It was over two months since the applications were due when I was called for my first interview. I didn't say anything to her because first, in case she wasn't called for interview, I didn't want her to feel bad. And second, I was a little selfish, cause this is the job I really want, and I didn't really want to know whether she was being interviewed. I didn't want to be consciously competing against my friend and hoping that I win. I wanted to instead just be thinking of me doing well, and working on that. And when I got called for a second interview I was on cloud nine, or above that!! Again, I don't know whether she is in that group or not, and I don't want to know, because I just want the job so badly and if I know she's in a group with me, it would be hard in many ways. I hated from the first instant, when we first talked about this job, that I knew we were both applying for the same job.
The reason that I'm explaining all this: I started this blog and was and am addicted to typing and telling all my thoughts. And suddenly, I was ready to share with my friends, so I worked quickly on editing my first few posts because I had put real names in them, and then for spelling, and after that I sent off the link to everyone. And kept up with my stream-of-consciousness writing. Only I had failed to talk to my friend at all about the job that we both have applied for. And she saw my posts about it, and me saying that I didn't want anyone else to have the job. I can understand how that would upset her. I sent her an IM today because we hadn't talked in maybe 5-7 days, and she wrote back that as her friend, if she hadn't gotten the job she would hope that I would. And that I had sent her the blog link knowing that I was talking about the job, and it was unfriendly and passive aggressive.
And I agree with her being hurt, and I would be upset if the circumstances were reversed, and probably feel exactly the same way. I put myself in her place and feel so bad. I sent her the blog link, and I should have thought about the fact that I addressed the job and my feelings toward it. And I should have let her know in advance. I just didn't think about it cause I was so excited to be sharing with everyone. I feel so bad now, and she didn't respond at all to my explanations to her IM. And I very much doubt that she is reading this blog now. But I'm so afraid I've lost a friend over a job now. And if I get the job, as I so so so so so want to get it, I almost won't want to tell her and I won't want to talk about it to her, at least not good things about it. Or really anything about it.
I should have called her tonight and I know that so completely. I didn't for two reasons. First, I so hate conflict and I seriously run from it. And second, and this is so selfish I admit and not being a good friend, but I have my interview tomorrow and I want to be feeling good about it and I know if I called her tonight and we talked I'd be just feeling like a dirty, terrible, icky person, irregardless of what she said. That's how I always feel after conflict. So I'm doing one of the things that I do best, and that's a combination of sort of denial and procrastination. And I feel bad about it but I am somehow justifying it tonight. But I know that the more time that passes, the harder it will get for me to call her. So I have to suck up my scare-dy-cat-ness and call her tomorrow after my interview but before I got out with Violet and others to celebrate. I hate this! I just want us to be friends again with nothing bad between us. And I just knew even on that first night we talked about applying for the same job that it would be bad. I don't know how to act with these things!
On a slightly different note, Warsteiner did end up getting called into work today. He called me tonight sometime between 6:30 and 7, and said he was right by me, packed and ready to go, and on his way out. But he wanted to get a quick Caterpillar fix by hugging and kissing me really quick, so I went down and we hugged and he kissed me a number of times even though I'm sort of having a cold and I told him so. So by now he's in Michigan at the family's rented cottage. I was so happy that he wanted to see me really quick! And he said a number of times, "You look so cute!" to which I was thinking "Whatever!" - my hair was a little more than slightly greasy cause I didn't shower this morning after he dropped me off and before work, so I could get to work by 9:15 to see Florida Girl in her first court appearance!!! And my nose was probably a little red from me blowing it, and I just felt so out of it and tired! But he still thought I was cute, and last night when he saw me all decked out for the first time he was so sweet and told me I looked so pretty so many times! I like that he thinks that!!!
I'm going to go to sleep soon, so I can feel good for tomorrow and my interview. Oh I so hope I do well, and that I get along well with both Courtney and Greg. And that they love me and decide to hire me!!! And I so hope that I can work this out with my friend. I am so bad at conflict, did I mention that? I just want to hide and not deal with it. But of course I can't do that.
It was over two months since the applications were due when I was called for my first interview. I didn't say anything to her because first, in case she wasn't called for interview, I didn't want her to feel bad. And second, I was a little selfish, cause this is the job I really want, and I didn't really want to know whether she was being interviewed. I didn't want to be consciously competing against my friend and hoping that I win. I wanted to instead just be thinking of me doing well, and working on that. And when I got called for a second interview I was on cloud nine, or above that!! Again, I don't know whether she is in that group or not, and I don't want to know, because I just want the job so badly and if I know she's in a group with me, it would be hard in many ways. I hated from the first instant, when we first talked about this job, that I knew we were both applying for the same job.
The reason that I'm explaining all this: I started this blog and was and am addicted to typing and telling all my thoughts. And suddenly, I was ready to share with my friends, so I worked quickly on editing my first few posts because I had put real names in them, and then for spelling, and after that I sent off the link to everyone. And kept up with my stream-of-consciousness writing. Only I had failed to talk to my friend at all about the job that we both have applied for. And she saw my posts about it, and me saying that I didn't want anyone else to have the job. I can understand how that would upset her. I sent her an IM today because we hadn't talked in maybe 5-7 days, and she wrote back that as her friend, if she hadn't gotten the job she would hope that I would. And that I had sent her the blog link knowing that I was talking about the job, and it was unfriendly and passive aggressive.
And I agree with her being hurt, and I would be upset if the circumstances were reversed, and probably feel exactly the same way. I put myself in her place and feel so bad. I sent her the blog link, and I should have thought about the fact that I addressed the job and my feelings toward it. And I should have let her know in advance. I just didn't think about it cause I was so excited to be sharing with everyone. I feel so bad now, and she didn't respond at all to my explanations to her IM. And I very much doubt that she is reading this blog now. But I'm so afraid I've lost a friend over a job now. And if I get the job, as I so so so so so want to get it, I almost won't want to tell her and I won't want to talk about it to her, at least not good things about it. Or really anything about it.
I should have called her tonight and I know that so completely. I didn't for two reasons. First, I so hate conflict and I seriously run from it. And second, and this is so selfish I admit and not being a good friend, but I have my interview tomorrow and I want to be feeling good about it and I know if I called her tonight and we talked I'd be just feeling like a dirty, terrible, icky person, irregardless of what she said. That's how I always feel after conflict. So I'm doing one of the things that I do best, and that's a combination of sort of denial and procrastination. And I feel bad about it but I am somehow justifying it tonight. But I know that the more time that passes, the harder it will get for me to call her. So I have to suck up my scare-dy-cat-ness and call her tomorrow after my interview but before I got out with Violet and others to celebrate. I hate this! I just want us to be friends again with nothing bad between us. And I just knew even on that first night we talked about applying for the same job that it would be bad. I don't know how to act with these things!
On a slightly different note, Warsteiner did end up getting called into work today. He called me tonight sometime between 6:30 and 7, and said he was right by me, packed and ready to go, and on his way out. But he wanted to get a quick Caterpillar fix by hugging and kissing me really quick, so I went down and we hugged and he kissed me a number of times even though I'm sort of having a cold and I told him so. So by now he's in Michigan at the family's rented cottage. I was so happy that he wanted to see me really quick! And he said a number of times, "You look so cute!" to which I was thinking "Whatever!" - my hair was a little more than slightly greasy cause I didn't shower this morning after he dropped me off and before work, so I could get to work by 9:15 to see Florida Girl in her first court appearance!!! And my nose was probably a little red from me blowing it, and I just felt so out of it and tired! But he still thought I was cute, and last night when he saw me all decked out for the first time he was so sweet and told me I looked so pretty so many times! I like that he thinks that!!!
I'm going to go to sleep soon, so I can feel good for tomorrow and my interview. Oh I so hope I do well, and that I get along well with both Courtney and Greg. And that they love me and decide to hire me!!! And I so hope that I can work this out with my friend. I am so bad at conflict, did I mention that? I just want to hide and not deal with it. But of course I can't do that.
