It's so official, I could double as a whale
I'm writing right now just so I don't cry, cause I keep getting eyes filled with tears. I just looked at the picture album - yes, some almost 750 pictures - from the wedding, by the professional photographer. In every picture that I am in, which thankfully isn't many, I am so huge, so bulbous (sp?) looking, like a whale. And I'm really not exaggerating, for those of you who know me and think I am. I want to crawl in my hole. I want to delete all those pictures from existence. I want to beat myself for letting myself get this way. I want to weep and I want to never, ever eat again. Just exercise and exercise until I don't look like a fat whale. With so much skin. And with my hair up, it also showed my ridiculously ugly profile so much. I couldn't hide under anything. I hate her for making me do that. But really I just hate myself right now. I have to just stop eating, or just eat yogurt and that's all. Forever more. Well, and some meat, because that's healthy.
I'm going to keep repeating that woman's mantra: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Tomorrow at lunch I'm going to work out. I'm never going to buy pasta ever, ever again. I'm never going to eat pizza again. I'm never going to eat cake or any of that stuff again. And only a little bit of cheese, every once in awhile, because I couldn't give up cheese. I hate how I looked, I cannot believe that 135 people watched me looking like that. I should have run out so I'd never be in any picture. I wish no one would use a single picture of me in any album or dvd of this wedding. And when I get the dvd from my aunt, I'm just not going to look at it. But other people will and will see me as a whale. With fat white blubber pouring out all over.
I'm leaving soon to go home, and tonight at 6 is James and Emma's vet appointments - for their yearly checkup and shots. Emma is going to be so unhappy, my sweet baby. Warsteiner called and he left work early so he can drive me there! That's so nice of him, and then I don't have to get a cab. And even though it's warm outside, I'm wearing jeans (that's normal, it's all I ever wear) and a long sleeve shirt. I only wish I could hide my face and my whole fat self. From now on, forever, these wedding pictures will remind me of how I practically took up the space of two bridesmaids. At least one and a half. I am just so ugly and so fat and I hate myself. And there's no use anyone saying any differently, because it's right there in the pictures!
Now I have to stop writing cause my eyes are filling up. I'll just get ready to go. People at work were looking at the pictures and I'd only show them pictures not of me and when I saw a thumbnail of me, I'd quickly move to a different page. They were getting almost mad that I wouldn't show them, but it's not like other times when I say I look bad but don't really. In this case, I really do look awful, and I don't want them to see just how awful. Because then they'd have that awful picture seared into their brains like I have it seared into mine. And it's bad enough that I have to see the pictures and that I know everyone in my family will see them and all my brothers friends and all of TSIL's friends. I can't stand to have even one more person see any of those pictures of me.
I'm going to keep repeating that woman's mantra: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Tomorrow at lunch I'm going to work out. I'm never going to buy pasta ever, ever again. I'm never going to eat pizza again. I'm never going to eat cake or any of that stuff again. And only a little bit of cheese, every once in awhile, because I couldn't give up cheese. I hate how I looked, I cannot believe that 135 people watched me looking like that. I should have run out so I'd never be in any picture. I wish no one would use a single picture of me in any album or dvd of this wedding. And when I get the dvd from my aunt, I'm just not going to look at it. But other people will and will see me as a whale. With fat white blubber pouring out all over.
I'm leaving soon to go home, and tonight at 6 is James and Emma's vet appointments - for their yearly checkup and shots. Emma is going to be so unhappy, my sweet baby. Warsteiner called and he left work early so he can drive me there! That's so nice of him, and then I don't have to get a cab. And even though it's warm outside, I'm wearing jeans (that's normal, it's all I ever wear) and a long sleeve shirt. I only wish I could hide my face and my whole fat self. From now on, forever, these wedding pictures will remind me of how I practically took up the space of two bridesmaids. At least one and a half. I am just so ugly and so fat and I hate myself. And there's no use anyone saying any differently, because it's right there in the pictures!
Now I have to stop writing cause my eyes are filling up. I'll just get ready to go. People at work were looking at the pictures and I'd only show them pictures not of me and when I saw a thumbnail of me, I'd quickly move to a different page. They were getting almost mad that I wouldn't show them, but it's not like other times when I say I look bad but don't really. In this case, I really do look awful, and I don't want them to see just how awful. Because then they'd have that awful picture seared into their brains like I have it seared into mine. And it's bad enough that I have to see the pictures and that I know everyone in my family will see them and all my brothers friends and all of TSIL's friends. I can't stand to have even one more person see any of those pictures of me.
