I'm so insanely neurotic!
I hate that I become a paranoid and untrusting freak so easily! It's 11:09 and Warsteiner hasn't called me tonight. He always calls, at least for the past couple weeks. I called him a little after 10 on his cell and he didn't answer, so I left a message. He always has his cell with him as far as I know. On Tuesday he left it on the table. He's probably out with a friend or a few friends. But my stupid self is wondering if he's on another date. He acts like he's completely into me, but what if he can act that way with anyone? And if he's out with friends, why didn't he just answer and tell me? He's been so completely cool and open and liking me and so I have absolutely no reason to doubt that and be upset that he hasn't called me tonight. But still, what the fuck?! Why didn't he answer and/or call back? I fucking HATE it when I get this way! I start analyzing every little thing to death.
In my defense, last weekend Little Brother and Future Sister-in-Law came for their bachelor and bachelorette parties, and 3 of Little Brother's friends picked me up. The guy who sat in the back seat with me, Bama, is unattached and was interested in me. The 2 in the front seat, one was married and the other dating someone. Both probably around my brother's age, so 24-26. Once we passed a girl who was wearing the tiniest skirt known to man. Both in the front were all over it, commenting, staring, etc. And when we got to the house where we all started out together, the rest of the guys weren't any better. One of the guys who lived in the house was 31, and he was cute, but as I found out later from Bama, he was wanting to hook up that night, even though he has a girlfriend. The guy in the car who had a girlfriend also wanted to hook up. As did another guy who has a girlfriend. They were all my brother's fraternity brothers. And they all seem like frat boys, and still seem like they're 21. But it was so disgusting to me, and so bothersome on that whole girl level.
I have no right comparing Warsteiner to them at all. First, he's 30. And acts very different than them. And is so nice and sweet and doesn't deserve this at all. I'm so bad at the beginning of relationships, I have no trust. We've only been on three dates, and realistically he could go on dates with other people. But honestly, if he did I would be put off, because of the way he acts towards me when he's with me. Like he is completely into me. And then that makes me wonder if he's just good at that! I swear, I am so insane!!!!
Tonight I have been productive for me. I took the bus a little past home to a place where I had seen wedding stuff displayed, a shop I mean, drycleaning and altering, so I figured I'd try it. It turned out great, the woman immediately spotted the things that needed to be altered. She's even going to take the whole skirt in on the sides, cause she said it was made for a bigger butt and figure - I LOVE her! And she pinned right above each boob on the seam, so it won't hang open. And on the back of the top to make it look like it fits better. I think it will actually look good! I started out hating this dress, but now that I have my super stomach-sucker-inner, it takes a little over an inch and a half off my stomach, and with the alterations, I think I'll look okay! Except for the fact that I need to lose 20 pounds. Well 10 would make me look good, 20 back to my fantastic self! But still, I feel much better about how I'll look now! Anyway, then I came home and because my cable box isn't working (tomorrow Comcast comes between 8 and 12, so I have a good excuse for being late to work - yay!) I put in The Mask of Zorro (it was on my mind cause The Meat mentioned it today for the dance that Catherine Zeta Jones and Antonio Banderas do during it. I can't remember the name of the dance, but it's the Bull dance) and then took off my toenail polish. All day I was intending to get myself a pedicure, but I took money out at the bank, sufficent for a pedicure and paying for the ticket at the game tomorrow and buying a couple beers, and I am so woefully low in money. I would be okay if it were just for me. I mean, I have to buy The Future Sister-in-Law two wine glasses that I promised her - $50, and a plane ticket to Indy for the wedding, and oh yes the altering is going be around $130 !!! And I have about $450 in my account after I took out my money. I was hoping to get a haircut before the wedding - luckily only $15 since I go to the Aveda school, and I will need random food. And I need to get something (obviously very cheap!) to wear to either the brunch the day before the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, since we aren't supposed to wear the same thing. But fuck, I have hardly anything to wear that looks good on me as it is! I can probably find something here. But the biggest thing on my mind is that I owe my friend, who is my ex-boyfriend from a year and a half ago but now just my friend, I'll call him The German (fittingly, as he's from Germany) $1225 that he loaned me to pay my first month's rent so early. I was supposed to immediately give him my security deposit from the old place of 1130 when it was returned, but I deposited it and since I kind of didn't pay any bills in June, I owed more now. And anyway, I haven't even payed him anything yet. And my grandma also gave me a check for $700 that disappeared - and it was supposed to be to help pay The German back and to pay for my expenses for the wedding. And my mom two weekends ago gave me a check for $300. I would have $150 otherwise. I haven't been spending a ton of money! I don't know how it disappeared! I did buy some clothes at Express - I had absolutely no work pants, one pair didn't fit and and the other pair was worn out and developed a little hole in the crotch/inner thigh area - so nice. And that reminds me that I'm going to return a shirt and pair of pants, so that will give me a little more money. Tomorrow at the game the ticket is going to be $53. I can't pay for Warsteiner, too, even though he's taken me out three times now. Oh and on the 31st - yes, a Sunday - and MY BIRTHDAY!!!! - a co-worker is getting married so we're all going. I'm planning on giving her a check for $50. Since it's my birthday, I will get some money from my grandparents. I'm so hoping to get maybe $800 total. I'll seriously get a money order for maybe $700 for Stephan. And then over half is paid. And then I'll tell him that I can pay maybe $200 a month, or maybe a little more? I so hate being poor!
I'm watching Noting Hill now. I love this movie! I love the soundtrack too! And it's 12:10 am and I have not heard from Warsteiner. I was going to title my blog tomorrow "I'm Going to Have Sex Tonight!!!!" but now I'm not so certain. I might now just be telling how we made out outside and etc but that I went home alone. Cause him not calling me tonight really makes me distrust him.
I'm just now finishing my bottle of wine, by the way. I haven't addressed that problem yet, but will someday.
I just got my iPod and am listening to the soundtrack to Notting Hill. All are such loving and romantic songs. And it's 12:22 right now. I was so excited about him and so ready to be with him, i.e. for him to fuck the shit out me. However, I'm now thinking not only no sex but that I won't invite him up. I don't owe him sex after all, and so often I feel like that, and then I just feel bad later. But fuck those guys! I'm so bothered that Warsteiner didn't call me tonight. He has I think called me most nights. Or he should have said what he was doing tonight. So I didn't become so insane. But I guess I'm insane even without him. Sometimes it sucks being me.
In my defense, last weekend Little Brother and Future Sister-in-Law came for their bachelor and bachelorette parties, and 3 of Little Brother's friends picked me up. The guy who sat in the back seat with me, Bama, is unattached and was interested in me. The 2 in the front seat, one was married and the other dating someone. Both probably around my brother's age, so 24-26. Once we passed a girl who was wearing the tiniest skirt known to man. Both in the front were all over it, commenting, staring, etc. And when we got to the house where we all started out together, the rest of the guys weren't any better. One of the guys who lived in the house was 31, and he was cute, but as I found out later from Bama, he was wanting to hook up that night, even though he has a girlfriend. The guy in the car who had a girlfriend also wanted to hook up. As did another guy who has a girlfriend. They were all my brother's fraternity brothers. And they all seem like frat boys, and still seem like they're 21. But it was so disgusting to me, and so bothersome on that whole girl level.
I have no right comparing Warsteiner to them at all. First, he's 30. And acts very different than them. And is so nice and sweet and doesn't deserve this at all. I'm so bad at the beginning of relationships, I have no trust. We've only been on three dates, and realistically he could go on dates with other people. But honestly, if he did I would be put off, because of the way he acts towards me when he's with me. Like he is completely into me. And then that makes me wonder if he's just good at that! I swear, I am so insane!!!!
Tonight I have been productive for me. I took the bus a little past home to a place where I had seen wedding stuff displayed, a shop I mean, drycleaning and altering, so I figured I'd try it. It turned out great, the woman immediately spotted the things that needed to be altered. She's even going to take the whole skirt in on the sides, cause she said it was made for a bigger butt and figure - I LOVE her! And she pinned right above each boob on the seam, so it won't hang open. And on the back of the top to make it look like it fits better. I think it will actually look good! I started out hating this dress, but now that I have my super stomach-sucker-inner, it takes a little over an inch and a half off my stomach, and with the alterations, I think I'll look okay! Except for the fact that I need to lose 20 pounds. Well 10 would make me look good, 20 back to my fantastic self! But still, I feel much better about how I'll look now! Anyway, then I came home and because my cable box isn't working (tomorrow Comcast comes between 8 and 12, so I have a good excuse for being late to work - yay!) I put in The Mask of Zorro (it was on my mind cause The Meat mentioned it today for the dance that Catherine Zeta Jones and Antonio Banderas do during it. I can't remember the name of the dance, but it's the Bull dance) and then took off my toenail polish. All day I was intending to get myself a pedicure, but I took money out at the bank, sufficent for a pedicure and paying for the ticket at the game tomorrow and buying a couple beers, and I am so woefully low in money. I would be okay if it were just for me. I mean, I have to buy The Future Sister-in-Law two wine glasses that I promised her - $50, and a plane ticket to Indy for the wedding, and oh yes the altering is going be around $130 !!! And I have about $450 in my account after I took out my money. I was hoping to get a haircut before the wedding - luckily only $15 since I go to the Aveda school, and I will need random food. And I need to get something (obviously very cheap!) to wear to either the brunch the day before the wedding or the rehearsal dinner, since we aren't supposed to wear the same thing. But fuck, I have hardly anything to wear that looks good on me as it is! I can probably find something here. But the biggest thing on my mind is that I owe my friend, who is my ex-boyfriend from a year and a half ago but now just my friend, I'll call him The German (fittingly, as he's from Germany) $1225 that he loaned me to pay my first month's rent so early. I was supposed to immediately give him my security deposit from the old place of 1130 when it was returned, but I deposited it and since I kind of didn't pay any bills in June, I owed more now. And anyway, I haven't even payed him anything yet. And my grandma also gave me a check for $700 that disappeared - and it was supposed to be to help pay The German back and to pay for my expenses for the wedding. And my mom two weekends ago gave me a check for $300. I would have $150 otherwise. I haven't been spending a ton of money! I don't know how it disappeared! I did buy some clothes at Express - I had absolutely no work pants, one pair didn't fit and and the other pair was worn out and developed a little hole in the crotch/inner thigh area - so nice. And that reminds me that I'm going to return a shirt and pair of pants, so that will give me a little more money. Tomorrow at the game the ticket is going to be $53. I can't pay for Warsteiner, too, even though he's taken me out three times now. Oh and on the 31st - yes, a Sunday - and MY BIRTHDAY!!!! - a co-worker is getting married so we're all going. I'm planning on giving her a check for $50. Since it's my birthday, I will get some money from my grandparents. I'm so hoping to get maybe $800 total. I'll seriously get a money order for maybe $700 for Stephan. And then over half is paid. And then I'll tell him that I can pay maybe $200 a month, or maybe a little more? I so hate being poor!
I'm watching Noting Hill now. I love this movie! I love the soundtrack too! And it's 12:10 am and I have not heard from Warsteiner. I was going to title my blog tomorrow "I'm Going to Have Sex Tonight!!!!" but now I'm not so certain. I might now just be telling how we made out outside and etc but that I went home alone. Cause him not calling me tonight really makes me distrust him.
I'm just now finishing my bottle of wine, by the way. I haven't addressed that problem yet, but will someday.
I just got my iPod and am listening to the soundtrack to Notting Hill. All are such loving and romantic songs. And it's 12:22 right now. I was so excited about him and so ready to be with him, i.e. for him to fuck the shit out me. However, I'm now thinking not only no sex but that I won't invite him up. I don't owe him sex after all, and so often I feel like that, and then I just feel bad later. But fuck those guys! I'm so bothered that Warsteiner didn't call me tonight. He has I think called me most nights. Or he should have said what he was doing tonight. So I didn't become so insane. But I guess I'm insane even without him. Sometimes it sucks being me.
