Doctor Update, The Fat Project, and Lack of Boyfriend...
So here I was going to be really good with typing, and honestly there has been so much I've wanted to say! But I've actually been busy this week for a change, so I have a real excuse besides just being lazy. And by the time I'd get home at 10 or 10:30, I'd be exhausted and couldn't start something that I wouldn't be able to finish!
I saw my doctor on Tuesday night. For a pap and general checkup. She's wonderful and thorough and asks me how I am and I can just go on and on and she types all the while I'm talking, really listening to and writing down what I'm telling her. So I started by telling her that I've been so tired lately, like for the past couple months. How I could sleep easily all day, anyday, and sometimes I do. And then the more I talked it just hit me that I was depressed - I mean, I'm on antidepressants and have been since 1999, but something's not right - I think I kept using that phrase, and it clicked. That's how I felt back then. Something's not right, nothing is right. I see flowers blowing in the wind and basking in the sun, and it used to make me feel alive and joyful, and now I feel nothing, but sadness maybe. I could go on and on. So as I was telling her this I kept on and off getting teary-eyed. It's kind of overwhelming to suddenly recognize the depression! So, she is starting me on a new med that was recommended to me by one of my bosses. I read about it when he told me, and it sounded very interesting - a new form of antidepressant, and also has some effects on obsessive-compulsive behavior. I wouldn't possibly be diagnosed with this disease, but I do feel that I suffer from some compulsive behaviors. Once I get certain things in my mind, I can't get them out. I will certainly get to that sometime later. But that is a very long discussion. Anyway, I started yesterday with the Effexor XR. While I ween off the Celexa, I'm taking 75 mg for the first week, then 150 mg the second week, and then up to the full dose of 225 mg after that. And in 6 weeks I see her again. I love my doctor. I just do, she made me feel good, she listened and helped me and it makes me feel good as a result. Also, she called today and my thyroid is low. So that may explain some of the sleepiness. Yay!
Now, and I must admit that I stole this phrase from Dater of None, Mistress of One -I have begun The Fat Project. It is completely one of the reasons that I am depressed. I have never weighed this much before, and in the past 3 days I have at various times tried on things that I wore last year or the year before - namely, pants of one kind or another - and none of them would even zip!!! And they were SO tight! This past Saturday and Sunday I was in a bottomless pit of self-hate and depression mixed together. For casual wear, I have only jeans to wear that won't be too tight or give me a little roll around the stomach - and it's been in the 90's! And for shirts, my arms look so huge, everything is so huge it seems. I so wish it were January right now so everyone would be wearing clothes! I see all the skinny women out there and feel like a little ball of lard. On Saturday I didn't leave my apartment. I just couldn't. Too much anxiety about going out with my fat self among the gorgeous. And it sucked, cause I watched stupid movies all day and felt terrible about myself and depressed and helpless. Oh and I think that the final straw, which crushed all denial I have had, was seeing a picture taken of me on Friday at the Cubs vs. Sox game. The picture was an inadvertent close-up, and I had a bit of a double chin! And I wasn't looking down or anything like that that would allow me to make an excuse and delete it. And the pictures after, from farther away, show me just how my mental image of myself and the real image clash. I think that explains my Saturday.
But, I am so happy that I had the wakeup call. I've known on some level that I've gained weight, but never fully admitted it. On Monday I signed up at the Bally's downtown, which is perfect because I can go during lunch or right after work, without the option to go home first and be lazy or get intimidated. So on Monday, I worked out during lunch. And on Tuesday, after work, after my doctor appointment. And then today after work. And tomorrow after work I plan to have a good long workout. I feel so positive that I'm doing something about The Fat Project, aka Me. If only I had started this 5 months ago, I'd be able to feel semi-confident in the naked bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding - that is only, holy shit, I think 6 weeks away! Thank God I've vowed to go to my new gym AT LEAST 4 times a week (hopefully I'd be able to go 4 of the 5 days, and maybe even two times on some days!) I'm sorry, I know this is so boring and petty, but it's oh so important to me right now, in order to get my confidence back. Which leads me to...
I haven't had a boyfriend in about 1 1/2 years. Sometimes I'm fine, and other times I'm so completely lonely. Of course I've dated, which I'll definitely expound upon in later posts, but right now I really miss having someone there all the time, a partner, love, excitement, passion, ups, downs, all that shit, but just loving someone and spending time with him. Sometimes, when I get my little boughts (sp?) of social anxiety, like NOW (see above), I miss it even more. When I'm walking with someone, I'm not thinking about how everyone is possibly judging me. I just feel really alone right now. Almost everyone I know is married or seriously dating. And two of my few for-sure lifelong friends just had babies this past week. And they are so cute!!!! One born in Ohio on Saturday morning, and one born in Hawaii on Wednesday! I'm so completely happy for them, and so excited for them, and can't wait to see them and their babies! What I selfishly feel is fear, that I'll be 29 in month, I still feel as if I have no clue about most things, I'm a mess at the current moment, but I want to be married eventually and definitely have babies of my own. Not a big rush, but I'd love to know that it will happen. And without me using a sperm bank! BUT, right now, I don't completely love myself so how I can I expect someone else to love me. I don't. But hopefully soon I'll be proud of myself and confident again, and then who knows...
I need to vent about so many other things about myself (it's theraputic!) but now I'm tired, so I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow. And tomorrow, my boss is gone, so I will have extra time! Not like I have a stressful job right now, and I must also say that I adore everyone who I work with. I have such fun at work, it's not right! But then again, I don't do enough actual work. Procrastination - another area I must write about in order to deal with. But this weekend, I am determined to finish writing two things for work that I must finally finish. I of course have all the stuff here at home, because I can't fully concentrate at work, and also I do my best work both under pressure, and at night!
Soon I'll get interesting, right now I haven't told any friends about this blog, but I will once I get out a few things that I need to say without feeling that someone is reading them right then.
I saw my doctor on Tuesday night. For a pap and general checkup. She's wonderful and thorough and asks me how I am and I can just go on and on and she types all the while I'm talking, really listening to and writing down what I'm telling her. So I started by telling her that I've been so tired lately, like for the past couple months. How I could sleep easily all day, anyday, and sometimes I do. And then the more I talked it just hit me that I was depressed - I mean, I'm on antidepressants and have been since 1999, but something's not right - I think I kept using that phrase, and it clicked. That's how I felt back then. Something's not right, nothing is right. I see flowers blowing in the wind and basking in the sun, and it used to make me feel alive and joyful, and now I feel nothing, but sadness maybe. I could go on and on. So as I was telling her this I kept on and off getting teary-eyed. It's kind of overwhelming to suddenly recognize the depression! So, she is starting me on a new med that was recommended to me by one of my bosses. I read about it when he told me, and it sounded very interesting - a new form of antidepressant, and also has some effects on obsessive-compulsive behavior. I wouldn't possibly be diagnosed with this disease, but I do feel that I suffer from some compulsive behaviors. Once I get certain things in my mind, I can't get them out. I will certainly get to that sometime later. But that is a very long discussion. Anyway, I started yesterday with the Effexor XR. While I ween off the Celexa, I'm taking 75 mg for the first week, then 150 mg the second week, and then up to the full dose of 225 mg after that. And in 6 weeks I see her again. I love my doctor. I just do, she made me feel good, she listened and helped me and it makes me feel good as a result. Also, she called today and my thyroid is low. So that may explain some of the sleepiness. Yay!
Now, and I must admit that I stole this phrase from Dater of None, Mistress of One -I have begun The Fat Project. It is completely one of the reasons that I am depressed. I have never weighed this much before, and in the past 3 days I have at various times tried on things that I wore last year or the year before - namely, pants of one kind or another - and none of them would even zip!!! And they were SO tight! This past Saturday and Sunday I was in a bottomless pit of self-hate and depression mixed together. For casual wear, I have only jeans to wear that won't be too tight or give me a little roll around the stomach - and it's been in the 90's! And for shirts, my arms look so huge, everything is so huge it seems. I so wish it were January right now so everyone would be wearing clothes! I see all the skinny women out there and feel like a little ball of lard. On Saturday I didn't leave my apartment. I just couldn't. Too much anxiety about going out with my fat self among the gorgeous. And it sucked, cause I watched stupid movies all day and felt terrible about myself and depressed and helpless. Oh and I think that the final straw, which crushed all denial I have had, was seeing a picture taken of me on Friday at the Cubs vs. Sox game. The picture was an inadvertent close-up, and I had a bit of a double chin! And I wasn't looking down or anything like that that would allow me to make an excuse and delete it. And the pictures after, from farther away, show me just how my mental image of myself and the real image clash. I think that explains my Saturday.
But, I am so happy that I had the wakeup call. I've known on some level that I've gained weight, but never fully admitted it. On Monday I signed up at the Bally's downtown, which is perfect because I can go during lunch or right after work, without the option to go home first and be lazy or get intimidated. So on Monday, I worked out during lunch. And on Tuesday, after work, after my doctor appointment. And then today after work. And tomorrow after work I plan to have a good long workout. I feel so positive that I'm doing something about The Fat Project, aka Me. If only I had started this 5 months ago, I'd be able to feel semi-confident in the naked bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding - that is only, holy shit, I think 6 weeks away! Thank God I've vowed to go to my new gym AT LEAST 4 times a week (hopefully I'd be able to go 4 of the 5 days, and maybe even two times on some days!) I'm sorry, I know this is so boring and petty, but it's oh so important to me right now, in order to get my confidence back. Which leads me to...
I haven't had a boyfriend in about 1 1/2 years. Sometimes I'm fine, and other times I'm so completely lonely. Of course I've dated, which I'll definitely expound upon in later posts, but right now I really miss having someone there all the time, a partner, love, excitement, passion, ups, downs, all that shit, but just loving someone and spending time with him. Sometimes, when I get my little boughts (sp?) of social anxiety, like NOW (see above), I miss it even more. When I'm walking with someone, I'm not thinking about how everyone is possibly judging me. I just feel really alone right now. Almost everyone I know is married or seriously dating. And two of my few for-sure lifelong friends just had babies this past week. And they are so cute!!!! One born in Ohio on Saturday morning, and one born in Hawaii on Wednesday! I'm so completely happy for them, and so excited for them, and can't wait to see them and their babies! What I selfishly feel is fear, that I'll be 29 in month, I still feel as if I have no clue about most things, I'm a mess at the current moment, but I want to be married eventually and definitely have babies of my own. Not a big rush, but I'd love to know that it will happen. And without me using a sperm bank! BUT, right now, I don't completely love myself so how I can I expect someone else to love me. I don't. But hopefully soon I'll be proud of myself and confident again, and then who knows...
I need to vent about so many other things about myself (it's theraputic!) but now I'm tired, so I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow. And tomorrow, my boss is gone, so I will have extra time! Not like I have a stressful job right now, and I must also say that I adore everyone who I work with. I have such fun at work, it's not right! But then again, I don't do enough actual work. Procrastination - another area I must write about in order to deal with. But this weekend, I am determined to finish writing two things for work that I must finally finish. I of course have all the stuff here at home, because I can't fully concentrate at work, and also I do my best work both under pressure, and at night!
Soon I'll get interesting, right now I haven't told any friends about this blog, but I will once I get out a few things that I need to say without feeling that someone is reading them right then.
