Still a Caterpillar...Someday a Butterfly!

Epilogue

2009-03-05T12:16:00.008-06:00

Hi anyone who checks in! I realize I haven't written in a VERY LONG TIME, and for awhile now I've been meaning to write one more post as an epilogue to this blog. I first want to say that this blog, and the friends I made through it, helped me through some very hard times and I want to thank everyone for that. I think back to my life when I first started writing - I was lonely, confused about what I wanted with my life, and an alcoholic spinning more and more out of control. This blog gave me a forum to start putting out there how much I was drinking, it gave me a place to write all my confused and unhappy thoughts, and when I hit my bottom and decided to stop drinking, it gave me a place to put it out there so I couldn't go back to drinking - there were people who knew then so I was accountable to more than just myself. Some of the friends I made were so wonderful and helped me SO MUCH during those times (especially CeeCi, WDKY, Paula and Anu), both with such encouragement and love and also sharing parts of themselves, and as a result I felt so much less lonely, and I really grew as a person during those times.

Then this blog gave me something I had never imagined - real love!! :) Mr. H had found my blog a number of months before we actually met and we would occasionally comment on each others' blogs. He sent me an email when I wrote about my 1 year anniversary of deciding to stop drinking. And he wrote me another email supporting my decision to end a difficult relationship that was going nowhere. A couple months after that, I sent him an email when he wrote about a potential customer - it reminded me very much of the bad situations I saw in my then career. And then I introduced myself and told him my real name, and we shared photos and luckily Mr. H was interested!! :) And then we met when he drove to Chicago from Toronto when he was on vacation, and it was magic! I loved writing about that on my blog and I absolutely LOVE that Mr. H and I have those early blog posts to look back upon and read our feelings and excitement and be reminded of that exciting time of our new love!

Eventually I wasn't writing on my blog as much, and Mr. H stopped writing on his blog much earlier than I did. First, it was different because I didn't want to necessarily pour out every one of my feelings anymore because Mr. H read it and because if I was ever upset, he'd much rather have me talk to him directly instead of read about it along with everyone else. Very understandable. And second, Mr. H and I would chat every night on skype for a long time and that's the time when I used write on my blog, so writing just fell by the wayside. I did and still do sometimes miss being able to write my every thought, but for now I feel like it would take too much time. Maybe though. But it would be shared only with a few select people and not everyone.

Anyway though, this is an epilogue so I need to update everyone on what has happened since I last wrote! Mr. H and I continued our long distance relationship, him in Vancouver and me in Chicago, until a year ago. Last March, we moved together to Winnipeg. Yes I know, Winnipeg! At first when he brought up the idea I thought he was crazy, I mean, it's cold here!!! But then he wooed me by showing me the mls listings from Winnipeg - we'd spend hours looking at houses together on mls and it's so cheap here!!! We had decided that I would move to Canada first and get my residency here, and later we'd get Mr. H his green card in the US, so our initial options were buying a very very expensive 2-bedroom condo an hour from Vancouver, and trying to have my two cats and his two dogs in a small place like that, or moving to Winnipeg and buying a whole house for a third of the price. I started liking the idea of Winnipeg much more. And I also liked that we would be moving to a new city together, so it wouldn't me be moving to his city where I think I would always feel like it was his city and not OUR city. In January of 2008 we met in Winnipeg and went house hunting, and I met Mr. H's best friend and his wife (which is why Mr. H knew Winnipeg a little and the real estate situation), and we ended up finding and buying a house we both loved! I quit my job at the end of February, and in the middle of March Mr. H drove to Chicago and packed all my belonging in his trailer, we left most of it in a storage locker in Grand Forks, and we crossed the border with just us, James and Emma, and one suitcase for me. I was so so so so so so happy when we made it through (after they thoroughly searched the vehicle), I felt like I was free and a similar-type feeling to sitting on the seadoo and flying across flat water so fast!

So we're coming up on our 1 year anniversary of living together!!! Yay!!! And on September 2, 2008, Mr. H and I got married!!! We planned it in just a few days because we realized we needed to do it quickly for immigration and we'd procrastinated, so it was just the two of us, our two friends and their baby, my photographer friend, and the officiant. We married in the English Gardens of a local park surrounded by trees and flowers and lightly misting rain, it was seriously like out of a romance novel! It was such an amazing day and for about a month afterward I remember being amazed at how different it felt compared to just living together, there really was a feeling of so much more closeness, a deep deep closeness, it was so incredibly wonderful. I'm obviously more used to it now so I don't think about it as much, but I don't want to ever forget how much MORE it felt like once we were married.

And Mr. H is wonderful!!! I love being married to him and I still feel so lucky that we met each other through this wonderful blogger world. I'm so happy we live in this time and that everything seemed almost destined for us. He is so caring, and so thoughtful, and supportive and loving, and just by far the best person I know, and I love him so incredibly much. So so so so much!!!

Our dogs and cats still don't love each other, but we're always making slow progress. We have a dog gate at the bottom of the stairs so the cats get the upstairs so they can feel safe. James started coming downstairs early on and he can deal with the dogs - if they chase him he's okay and hisses if they get too close but he knows they aren't going to hurt him. Even right now as I type he's sitting under the dining room table and the dogs are both sleeping around him. One of the dogs growls at them and did a few minutes ago, but James knows he doesn't have to worry. Little Emma started coming down more just a couple months ago, and that makes me so happy! Sometimes I carry her down first, but sometimes she comes down on her own. She hisses at the dogs if they even get close to her and sometimes even when they're just laying down, but I know it's because she's scared so trying to show them she's big and mean. I'm just so happy that sometimes now all 4 of our babies are in the same room, and I hope at this time next year they can all really hang out together!!

One of the most exciting things next to getting married and being so happy is my new career!!! First, I am so so so happy to not be working in law anymore! I will never go back to that! Last spring I met up with a photographer (I'll call him C) who had just started out, and he was pretty new to Winnipeg as well but already had a lot of weddings scheduled for last summer. I second shot with him at 9 weddings over the summer, and another one a couple weekends ago, and he was so instrumental in encouraging me to just get started. I got a new camera last June (Canon 40D) (and a new computer - MacBook Pro - yay finally I'm a mac user!), and took some photos of my friend's baby and then started getting referral work, and I've done dozens of newborn, baby, child and family shoots, and a few couples shoots. And I'm booking my own weddings now for this summer! So far I have 6 - they're all referrals from C, he's been so wonderful in helping me build my business and giving me so many tips and teaching me and giving me confidence. I'm going to have Mr. H register a business name so I can start doing some advertising, because I'd love to have at least 10 weddings, hopefully more like 15. Both so I can make some money but also so I can get the experience and then be able to raise my rates for the next summer. I LOVE IT!!! I love photography, I love the art of it, the creativity of it, capturing love and laughter and personalities, and I love meeting people through it. I have so much fun getting to know my wedding couples and also getting to know the parents during my baby and child shoots. Since June I've been getting more lenses so now I'm almost completely set for wedding season - I have the 50mm, f1.4, the 24-70mm, f/2.8, the 70-200mm, f/2.8 IS, and one external flash unit. And a couple weeks ago I bought the new Canon 5D Mark II camera!!! I do need to get one more external flash so I can learn more off-camera flash for receptions. And I'm eyeing more lenses as well - the 85mm, f1.8 (good for portraits) and the 135mm, f2.0 (because the 70-200 is SO HEAVY and this is supposed to be lighter, plus the wonderful 2.0 aperture). But so anyway, that's my passion right now!!! I still have a lot of work to do on all sides, from continuing to improve my photography skills, to setting up my website (I update my photo blog all the time but haven't finished my website that I started months ago), to learning to design albums and ordering some samples, to setting up an online store, to creating a formal price list, to working on ways to make more money for the family, child and baby shoots (because I spend so much time on those photos and charge not nearly enough for my time and product). And I also need to get faster at editing, that's a big thing. And so much more.

So it will be a process but I dream of eventually having a cute meeting studio in our home (right now I have potential brides and grooms come to our house and have a slideshow on our big TV but it's just in our family room and I'd like my own studio room with large prints and such). And I dream of offering lots of products and packages for my baby, child, and family shoots. And I dream of charging more for my weddings and being able to book 15-20 weddings and year and make a good living. And then also when Mr. H and I start a family this will be a good career for me because I'll have a lot of free time! And I'd love to start trying for our first baby next winter so it would hopefully come sometime between November 2010 and February 2011 - that way I'd be fine with having health coverage by then and it would be during the off-season for weddings. That's my plan!!!

Hmmm, what else?! We're just pretty happy!! We live in a wonderful old house (built in 1893), and we're planning to add a second bathroom and do some other stuff. Mr. H just built a garage out back so he has a workshop for the first time in years and is so excited about that! We're both so excited for warmer weather to come - I've pretty much hibernated inside our house for most of the winter so I'm really excited about getting outside again, and Mr. H dealt really well with his first Winnipeg winter - he even loved snowblowing, but there have been days when it's been really, really cold outside. I don't know if we'll stay in Winnipeg for forever. The winters here really do suck. The summers are good though, not nearly as humid as down in Michigan and Chicago which I like. But we talk about maybe moving to the southwest of the US sometime. Of course, I know that the longer we stay here the harder it will be to leave cause we'll make friends and especially because we'll both have built up our respective businesses and reputations. So we'll see. But we're really happy right now, and I love that this city is so affordable and a good size - a big-ish city but easy to get around in and sometimes feels like a small town. And the people here are really nice, too.

Oh one more update - I've been sober since November 2005, I can't believe it's been so long!!!! It is without a doubt one of the hardest and also one of the best things I've ever done for myself and it changed my whole life, really it gave me my life back.

If there's anything I forgot, anyone can comment and I'll try to check now and then to see if there are any comments! And anyone can email me if you want my photo blog address - it's mostly client photoshoots but I also post some photos of Mr. H and I and our doings.

Thank you again to my wonderful blog readers and blog friends. Like I said earlier, having this blog was a big part of giving me the strength to address my alcoholism and helped me with getting my life back, and getting my confidence back. I think blogs are a wonderful thing and the relationships people form are real and wonderful (and I miss a few of you). I don't plan on posting more on this blog because I feel like the chapter of my life that this blog dealt with is over, and I've moved onto a new chapter. But I will try to respond to any comments, and certainly email me if you want to know about my current photography blog and if you want me to let you know about any new blog I may start. And I'm also on facebook and love that, so let me know if you're on it and want to be my friend and I'll let you know my name on it!

Bye to this blog, I loved you and thank you for letting me pour my heart and mind out to you!!! I owe you big time!!!

And now I'll post a few photos from our wedding and our little photoshoot afterward! Thank you thank you thank you everyone (I'm getting a little emotional now)!!!!

My thoughts tonight and planning for my love's arrival tomorrow!

2007-07-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

I have soooooooooooo much cleaning to do before Mr. H gets here tomorrow night, but I have no energy right now and I tend to procrastinate until around midnight when I have to do this kind of stuff. For example, last night I started my dishes at midnight and then cleaned the rest of my kitchen and then my bathroom and I went to bed a little after 2 a.m.

I think I need to make myself some coffee and then maybe I'll just start with hanging up clothes. And I have about 6 loads of laundry to do and I absolutely have to start that soon cause I kinda hate going downstairs to the laundry room when it's late at night - I know it sounds so silly but I worry about 1) ghosts cause it's in a kind of basement-like place and 2) spiders and bugs.

Mr. H left last evening and made it to Moses Lake, Washington, and today he's been driving for a very long time. He called me when he made a stop in Idaho, and then texted me when he got into Montana. And then Montana is a very long state, so he called tonight and was almost in Billings, Montana. And then he has to drive at least another four and a half hours to one of the possible stops, and maybe further if he's awake enough. Then tomorrow he'll have around 13 hours of driving if he makes it further, or closer to 15 if he stops at the earlier town. My poor love, he sounded kind of beat tonight when we talked. But at least tomorrow morning when he wakes up he'll know that it's his last day of driving and he'll be with me at the end of it!!! :)

This past Monday morning, The Meat came to work and told us that he couldn't see out of most of his left eye - a black shade had been creeping more and more across his eye since Friday night. He had an appointment with an eye doctor on Tuesday afternoon that he'd made a few weeks earlier when he had a bunch of floaters suddenly appear in his eye, and he was going to wait until then. A few of us impressed upon him how important this was and we hounded him to call the doctor and tell them what was happening, and they had him come in that afternoon. He had surgery on Tuesday morning for a detached retina, and he'll be off of work for two weeks. I've since read all about detached retinas and it's really scary, and if he had waited even until Tuesday afternoon it could have been much worse. But the doctor told him the surgery went well and he probably won't have to have a second surgery. From what I read, it may take even a few months for his vision to come back like it was before, but I hope it comes back quicker than that for him.

I found out on Tuesday that the young sheriff's deputy who I had a kind of fling-like relationship with a few years ago killed himself on Monday night. He was I think 26 years old, and was such a sweet and innocent person. I'd told him before that he should think about seeing a counselor because he had a real problem with alcohol and drugs and I really felt that he used it partially as a mask for depression and his confusion about life. He also had pretty low self-confidence even though he was so cute, and I could of course relate to that.

It's so sad and such a waste that he's dead, and it makes me so sad. He really was a good person and such a sweet guy. He was a little messed up, but still so good and sweet and I always had hope that when he matured and got a little older that he'd find himself and be happy. He always definitely seemed young, even younger than he was. It's really bothering me how he could kill himself, how he could decide it wasn't at all worth it and he had no hope. He shot himself with his gun. I like to think that he was drunk and/or on drugs and that exacerbated any feelings of sadness and depression he was feeling and made him do something that he hopefully wouldn't have done had he been sober. Not that it makes a ton of difference because he's still dead, but I like to think that it's not something he truly wanted to do.

I also have a little bit of guilt. Not that I think I could have done anything, but he really looked up to me. He moved to a new work location over two years ago, but a couple months ago he was at the building I work in for some administrative reason, and he came up to say hi and tell me he'd heard that I was engaged and was happy for me. He wanted to hear all about how I was and he kept saying how good it was to see me and how much he missed me. He always saw such hope in my life and loved just listening to me talk about my life and the things I love. He told me about a couple recent troubles he'd had, but also how he was about to buy a condo and I was so happy for him because I felt it would help him to be more responsible now that he wouldn't be living with his parents.

He texted me a few times since then and I only responded once because I didn't want to encourage him. The night before he killed himself he texted me to tell me that he just got his new place, and I didn't respond. I know he's responsible for himself and I know I wasn't responsible for checking up on him or anything like that, but like I said before, he really did look up to me and admired me and what if him texting me was some sort of little cry for help? Of course they didn't sound like a cry for help, but they did sound slightly sad and nostalgic and if I had at least just sent him a nice text response back maybe it would have made him the tiniest bit happier.

I know I'm way exaggerating my effect on him and I know that I had nothing to do with this and had I sent a simple text response a couple times I'm sure nothing would have been different, but I guess at least I wouldn't feel bad that I ignored him. Still, it's true that I had no responsibility to him, and I found the most important relationship and love of my life and I'm devoted to that and not to trying to rescue a young man from drug abuse and emotional problems.

I just wish he had sought help from someone and not resorted to such a terrible decision. I don't know how someone can do that, and I wonder just what he was thinking as he lifted the gun to his head and knew he would die and never feel or see or experience anything again. I wonder where he is now, I've thought of that, that at least he knows what's out there now and what happens after death. I feel so awful for his family, for his mom and dad and younger brother and sister. This will affect them for the rest of their lives. And I understand that he killed himself at his girlfriend's house and while she was there, so it will completely affect her for the rest of her life - I'm sure she heard the gunshot and was the one to find him dead just after that. I hope people in her life make sure she gets counseling.

So anyway, it's been on my mind because I've never known someone personally who killed him-or-herself. I'm so sad for him and so sad for his family and I just wish he would have reached out to someone or someone close to him would have realized something was going on with him. He was so young and had a whole life ahead of him and to voluntarily end his life is so pointless and such a waste and so selfish and so sad. There are millions of people out there with terrible illnesses who are fighting for just one more day and one more week and one more month, and this guy who was young, healthy, good-looking and sweet made the decision to end his life right then and there. It's just so wrong and so bothersome.

Okay, well hopefully this will help me a little, having written all that. His funeral is this Sunday but Mr. H will be here and we'll be in Michigan. If it had been any other weekend I would have gone to the funeral to maybe find some kind of peace with it all and closure. But so instead I wrote this and maybe it'll help me feel better.

I'm going to go make some coffee now so I can start cleaning to get all ready for my love to be here tomorrow!!!

Book and Mr. H coming next weekend!

2007-07-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading the last Harry Potter book about twenty minutes ago. (Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything about it that would give anything away.) I started reading it almost exactly 24 hours ago, and I stayed up almost all night but had to fall asleep when I had about a hundred pages left. I'm very much in a zone right now though, the kind I've gotten before when I've finished other books that I've really been into. It makes me want to just be with myself, in my head, and not talk to anyone else until I'm ready to - I need the time to really think about it all and feel it all and go over it all in my head and also to mourn the end of the book/series.

So, I'm not in too much of a talkative mood, but I'll quickly write a few things. First, I need to shower and then clean my place because it's just disgusting right now and every bit of it needs cleaning and straightening and such. And garbage needs to be thrown out, laundry needs to be done, and some dishes need to be done. Starting out with a shower will be good, both to wake me up a bit and also because showers are so relaxing and I always think alot when showering so I can go over the book in my head.

Mr. H will be here in less than a week!!! He's going to drive and bring his two dogs, and his plan is to do it in two days - driving an average of 16 hours each day. He's going to leave very early on Thursday morning, around 2 or 3 a.m., and then when it's starting to get dark in the evening he'll stop, somewhere around the border of Montana and North Dakoka, and sleep for the night. And then he should hopefully be here on Friday night or Saturday morning! Then we'll have all day Saturday to be here at my place (and so Mr. H can take a couple naps), and very early Sunday morning we'll drive to my parents' cottage in Michigan. My aunt, uncle and two cousins will be there on Sunday and be leaving on Monday morning, so they'll get to know Mr. H and I'm so happy about that. And on Monday my grandparents will meet him. And we'll also probably celebrate my birthday on both days, and then on Tuesday, my actual birthday, Mr. H and I will leave very early in the morning to come back to Chicago and spend my birthday together. And then he'll leave on Wednesday to drive back to Vancouver.

I'm so excited and happy!!! I just LOVE that I get to see him so soon and I love that we're both so excited and looking forward to it, and I love that he'll get to know my parents much better and get to know my aunt, uncle and cousins and my grandparents as well! And I also love that we'll have two days together for just the two of us. And I'll get to see his sweet and wonderful dogs again and James and Emma will have their first contact with their future brothers :) I need to get a dog gate this week so I can block off my bedroom, and all James and Emma's stuff will be in there so it'll be their sanctuary to feel safe in. I decided that I'll put the dog gate up a little on the door so there's six inches or so of space below the gate and I think James and Emma will like that. If they do come out (I'm sure Emma won't but I really really hope James does) he'll feel much more safe if he can just peek out and go underneath a gate instead of having to jump all the way over it.

Speaking of my little babies, can I just say how happy they make me!?! They are so loving and love me so much, and it's just the best feeling in the world! Last night as I read most of the night, James was laying right at my side most of the time and he'd wake up now and then and reposition himself at my side and purr. And little Emma kept coming up on my pillow and purring around my head while I petted her, and then she'd just keep purring and purring and purring just being near me. I love them so much! And even this afternoon when I was finishing my book, I was sitting in my chair near the window for the natural light and James was alternately sleeping on the top of the chair or at the foot of the chair, and as soon as I moved to the couch after finishing, he too came up on the couch to sleep by me. They are so wonderful and make me so so happy and I adore them so much!

Okay, I'm going to go shower now. When I think of the book I'm still just thinking "Wow" and don't feel like talking about it just yet - my mom is reading it too and we said we'd talk about it when we both finished. But I think maybe not until tonight will I call her. I first need my alone time to process it all. And during my alone time now I'll be cleaning! :)

Trying to use methods to deal with overthinking and beautiful flower pictures!

2007-07-14T23:50:00.001-05:00

Over the past few days I've been so down then so up and I feel like so much has happened even though not much really has.

All last week I had been fighting the negativity and negative thoughts. I'd been trying to do what my book said and not let myself dwell and spiral downward and I'd done a pretty good job - as in, the thoughts and worries were always there and hovering on the edge of my conscious, but I wasn't letting them consume me. On Thursday I started thinking about it a little more, but in the way of TRYING to do real thinking. It all revolved around my immigration to Canada and how Mr. H and I hadn't done anything new to move forward with the process and make certain decisions. The logical side of my mind was trying to point out that Mr. H has been really busy and I'm the one who knows much more about the laws, etc. The negative, swirling-thoughts side kept trying to freak out and argue that Mr. H wasn't doing anything because maybe he was having second thoughts and you can just imagine where all those spiraling thoughts were trying to go. Ultimately, I wanted to hear from him that he wants this and is excited and really wants to get moving with it so we can be together.

So anyway, I had at least determined that this was justifiably important enough for me to be concerned with. And I knew that my worries weren't going to go away until I talked to Mr. H about them. A few weeks ago I decided that I would not send any more of my freak-out long emails to Mr. H, we discussed that and I agreed completely with Mr. H that me talking directly to him is much, much, much more productive. So I knew I wasn't going to email Mr. H and I'd talk to him about it in the evening, but I also needed to do something to calm myself down and stop the overthinking.

So - one of the suggested methods is writing things down. I like doing that, so I composed a kind of "script" that I would read to Mr. H that evening - that way I got to organize my thoughts a little and get it out and also have a little time to go over it again. After I was done writing but really emotional from all of the thoughts being right there (because now that I look back, I was overthinking even as I was writing), I decided to use another suggested method from the book and talk to a friend who would bring me back down to earth and not support my overthinking. So I took my "script" to The Meat and sat crying while he read it. He asked if he could edit my script and I said yes, and an hour later he had talked me down and completely changed the focus of my little script from being very heavy and depressing to being a more positive, "I'm really looking forward to moving to Vancouver to be with you, and I want us to do a little more so I feel like we're moving forward. How can I help, etc." He also talked to me about differences between men and women and many other things. By the end I was smiling again although still feeling fragile, but a positive fragile. And most importantly, I wasn't thinking as I was in the heat of my overthinking - that Mr. H was falling out of love and rethinking wanting to be with me and I was going to have my heart broken - and instead I was knowing and believing that Mr. H loves me very much as he tells me every single day.

And THEN, because I was feeling stronger but because I knew I had a few hours before Mr. H and I would talk and I didn't want to fall back into the overthinking, I used yet another method recommended by the book, well really it was a combo of a couple methods - both getting exercise and doing something that I love. I got off the train early and walked around the neighborhoods with my camera for a good two hours, taking pictures of beautiful flowers! And the weather was so incredibly perfect, and the lighting was so good, and I found all these gorgeous flowers and I was getting some really beautiful pictures and was so happy!

And also, near the end on one perfect street I talked to three wonderful people! First, as I was sitting on the ground in front of some flowers, a guy came out of the house next door and talked to me about how he used to be an amateur photographer and traveled all over the world taking pictures for fun. He was from Northern Ireland and he told me he met his wife, who is from Nepal, when he was visiting the basecamp to Mt. Everest. Then his wife came out of the house with their two beautiful little daughters and they all waved and he introduced us. He showed me pictures of his two little daughters dressed up both as Irish dancers and as Nepalese dancers - they were so cute! He and his family are moving to Ireland in two months because as he said, the US isn't a good place to grow old - he asked me if I'd seen the movie Sicko yet and I said I hadn't yet but definitely plan on it. Then they left to go to dinner and all waved goodbye, including his little daughters! I was so enchanted by them and by how friendly and wonderful this man was!

Then I walked a little further down the block and there was one house with gardens surrounding the house and the little area between the sidewalk and the street was also filled with flowers and plants. Just as I was walking up, a woman was walking out of the gate at the side of the house and I asked if these were her gardens and flowers. She said they were and I told her I love taking pictures of beautiful plants and flowers, so she started pointing out various flowers and plants and even bugs on certain plants. She was on her way out but told me if I come back sometime when she's home she'll let me come to the side and back of the house to photograph to my heart's content!

Then while I was taking photos of her beautiful flowers out front, her neighbor from across the street yelled over that if I like flowers, he had 24-some varieties of lilies over at his house. So I told him I'd definitely head over there next. When I walked over a few minutes later he came out of the house immediately and led me to his backyard, which he and his partner had completely redone five years ago - there was even a lovely little pond with goldfish back there! The guy was so friendly, in the wonderful giggly-gay-man way, and I just loved him! And he really did have so many beautiful lilies and he kept coming out of the house and telling me more little tidbits.

After all that and meeting wonderful friendly people, I was feeling so happy and hopeful and a little nervous about talking to Mr. H but not nearly like I had been a few hours earlier! He had called while I was taking pictures (I never heard it ring, I think it was when I set my purse down in the guy's backyard) and left a message that there was a fire on his block and all the power was out so he wasn't sure whether we'd be able to skype that night. And then I was thinking, "shit, I'm all ready to talk and I don't want to start overthinking again!" But I just downloaded my pictures when I got home and waited and then called him and he had power back so we got on skype a little later.

And I was brave and after talking for awhile I told him I wanted to talk to him about something and I used my little edited script and he said just what The Meat had predicted and assured me that he's excited about me coming as well and we talked about when we were each kind of thinking of the move happening, and we decided that I'd do the legwork of finding of an immigration consultant or attorney because I have more time to do that kind of thing. And we talked about what would probably happen initially, from where we'll be living to what kind of little job I could get until I can find a more permanent job. It was a really good talk and so good for me to hear this stuff.

And then he asked me if I'd been crying about it that day and he knew even before I said yes that I had and laughed because, yes he knows me! So then I of course reported to him about how I'd been trying to use the techniques in my new book to try to not overthink, and then how I'd decided to write my script (book method) and then talked to The Meat (book method) and then gone for a walk to take pictures (two book methods)! And then after telling him all I'd done and how the book was helping me (which he asked about) I asked him if he was proud of me and he started laughing and called me a goofball - I love when he calls me that, I told him it makes me so happy like when he calls me sweetheart or one of his other endearments! :)

So - all was right with the world again then!! I didn't do a complete job of not overthinking but I did at least do some good things and I'm happy about that for a beginning. And all my worries were gone after Mr. H and I talked and he was also so happy that I talked to him directly instead of sending one of my crazy long emails!

Oh - I also got my period on Thursday during the day so some of the extra emotion may be attributable to that. And also my complete peacefulness and optimism and happiness yesterday and today may be partly because of the period coming and all that emotion getting to leave. I don't care overly much because it just feels so f'ing good to feel so positive and happy and content right now, especially after the week of negative emotions swimming just near the surface!

Also as a result of my period coming, I have been extraordinarily tired! On Thursday before Mr. H and I talked I could barely keep my eyes open to look at my pictures. And on Friday morning I could barely wake up, and last night I closed my eyes and laid my head on the couch more than once. And then today - well, today I slept until 4 p.m. Yes it sounds equally disgusting to me, and oh I had such plans for today that involved doing all the hundreds of dirty dishes, doing about five loads of laundry, and fully cleaning my dirty home. When I wake up at 4 p.m. I feel like I've already wasted the day! And I was still completely lacking energy even after coffee and eating some food. So the cleaning will have to wait until tomorrow.

One thing I did today was go through all the screenshots I take nightly of Mr. H and I chatting on skype and pick the best ones and mostly ones that have a date somewhere on the screen. I uploaded about 70 screenshots to an online album (a website that I haven't used before so I got 20 free prints and free shipping - the offer expired tomorrow which was what prompted me to act today!) and ordered prints of all of them. I'll use these when applying for Canadian permanent residency, because I want to so fully document our relationship in advance so hopefully I won't have to go for an interview and that'll shorten the time period.

Also, today Mr. H was having a really bad day, and like probably many women, when someone I love isn't feeling happy, it's so on my mind and I want to do anything I can to change that. So I spent a long time writing him a wonderful and uplifting email and sending him sweet text messages. I just got an email from him and he's feeling a little better now and that makes me so happy!

Tomorrow morning I have my first First-Time Painting class! I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to expect at all, from how many people will be in the class to what we'll be learning to what I should bring. And I'm not very talented with drawing (really really not talented) and I know we're going to be starting with using charcoal to sketch a little and learn about lines and value (whatever that is). But I have to remember that everyone else in this class will also be "first-time painters" so likely not very talented either. And this is a little adult education class so it'll be other people like me who just want to do something different and fun. Okay, I've convinced myself to feel a little better!

I hope I can fall asleep tonight considering I woke up just 8 hours ago after 15 hours of sleep!

Here are some of the pictures I took on Thursday after work, I'm just in love with how many of them turned out! And I have some others that are so magical but I think they'd benefit from some photoshop help, so I may get to post more of my favorites later!

Movie, long walk and beetle guilt

2007-07-11T22:40:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I went with Florida and The Italian Chef to see the new Harry Potter movie! :) We were so excited! And we expected there to be a big line and sold out shows and all that even though we went in the middle of the afternoon, but we ended up being the first people in the theater (I took a couple pictures of the two of them sitting in the empty theater!).

The movie was really very good for someone who has read the books, but when I imagined Mr. H watching it, not having seen any of the previous films or read any of the books, I think it would seem slightly choppy and kind of light on some of the various storylines. But for us, it was fabulous! It was also really dark though and by the end of it we were all depressed and kept saying that as we were leaving the theater, none of us really talking too much.

Florida and I waited for The Italian Chef to get on her bus and then we walked toward the train, but it was SO beautiful today so we decided to start walking for a bit. We ended up walking all the way to Florida's (although I got on the train a couple blocks from her house for the rest of the way to my place). I think that based on the route we took, we probably walked at least three and a half miles. It was wonderful, because the day was just so perfect and not too hot, which is so important to me, and we walked through the city and on streets we hadn't walked been on for awhile, and then walked through the park, and we of course talked the whole time so it was just perfect. And also, we felt a little better after all the popcorn we ate that seemed so yummy at the time but then was just sitting in our stomachs - I think I can still taste a bit of it and it makes me want to be sick!

I feel kinda bad right now because about an hour ago I spotted this beetle walking on my chair in the living room - it looked like a baby june bug or something like that. I quickly grabbed a glass and got the beetle in there and covered it up, and then although I thought to myself that I should let the beetle go somewhere (I was thinking that I couldn't put him in the hallway or else he could crawl back underneath my door), I instead took the easy route and flushed him down the toilet. Only, between the time that I shook him in the toilet and quickly flushed and closed the lid, I saw the poor little guy's little legs all scrambling and that image has stuck in my mind. I was just thinking about it again and it hit me that I have a back door that opens to the back staircase and trash cans and whatnot, and I could so easily have let him out there and he'd even probably have been able to find stuff to eat out there. So I feel really bad now for just killing the poor creature and causing him to drown and be scared. I so wish I could go back and do that over and not have murdered the little beetle who just accidentally somehow found his way into my place. So now, while I don't hope for any bugs to come in here, I'll try to do the good thing and let any bug go out into the back staircase (I can't promise that for spiders though, because I really really hate those things). I'm hoping that by writing about it here I can let it go now, but the image and the feeling bad is so far still here with me.

I'm really sleepy and can't think of too many other things to write about just now. So instead of doing some rambling, I'm going to get ready for bed and read just a couple pages of my book before my eyes demand to be closed. :)

My amazing new book

2007-07-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday I was having a seriously depressed day; I was in a really bad, bad place and my thoughts were running like mad and I was feeling like I would never be better again and my whole life would always be filled with sadness, depression and a manic mind and I was convinced that I would drive away everyone who cared about me because of the depression and crazy mind and that I would be alone for the rest of my life with no happiness ever. Like I said, a very very bad place. It was awful.

By the evening I had decided to make myself go for a walk, just to get out of the house (and it was cooler then in the evening). I didn't feel like I'd be happier but I knew logically that it was a good thing to do. I had also seen the title of a book that CeeCi mentioned finding in her house, and I emailed her to find out if she had read it yet and what she thought. When she emailed back she said hadn't read it but suggested I go buy it because obviously something was telling me to get it. And she also gave me wonderful support and reminded me that the mood would pass, which was good to hear from someone else as I couldn't make myself quite believe it.

So I got out of the house and went for a walk, and I of course took my camera with me because it gives me a purpose and I have such fun looking around at details and beauty and ugly to find things to photograph. I love my camera!

After walking for awhile, I went to a Borders and browsed around downstairs for awhile, and then made it upstairs to the psychology section, where I browsed for forever there (I love browsing and taking my sweet time in bookstores). I didn't find the book I was looking for but I did pick up about four others to look at more closely. And then before I sat down to examine my finds, I did another walk through the shelves and that time I saw a lone copy of the book!

I went through all the books pretty closely and decided on two, and by that time it was dark and the store was close to closing so I bought my books and walked back home and felt sooooooooooooooooo much better, both because of the exercise and being out and also because I was so excited about these books and getting them made me really feel like I was doing something positive and affirmative instead of just sitting back.

So my two books - the one that'll come second is called Self-Esteem (Third Edition): A proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving & maintaining your self-esteem. I liked that it's really interactive as opposed to just being a book. There are exercises throughout the book - lists of things I'll have to think of and write down, etc. I'm excited about it, I really am. And I'll write about that book later when I start reading it.

But oh my gosh do I have to write about the first book! This is the book that CeeCi mentioned on her blog, and if I hadn't have been behind in reading her blog I wouldn't have just read that post on Saturday and seen the name of the book when I had just started realizing things about myself and my current way of thinking. If I'd read that title on any other day I may have possibly taken note of it and thought to myself that I might want to check it out sometime, and I may have even emailed the title to myself. But on Saturday, everything was just aligned to let me know that I needed to get that book - even from having CeeCi telling me to go get it and there being only one copy on the bookshelf (which I wouldn't have found had I not decided to look through all the shelves once more).

So the amazing book - Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Over-Thinking and Reclaim Your Life. I started reading it on Saturday night in bed and read the whole first chapter in partial amazement at how perfectly this book was talking about exactly my mind and my mental patterns. On Sunday I had to reread the first chapter so I could go through with my pen (I always read these kinds of books with a pen so I can underline stuff) and just get it even more in my head, and I read through about page 75.

I have underlined SO MUCH in this book already. The second paragraph of the first chapter of the book starts,

"Yet, when there is any pause in our daily activities, many of us are flooded with worries, thoughts, and emotions that swirl out of control, sucking our emotions and energy down, down, down. We are suffering from an epidemic of overthinking - getting caught in torrents of negative thoughts and emotions that overwhelm us and interfere with our functioning and well-being."

I knew right then that this book is perfect for me. There is SO MUCH in it already that speaks to me, that encourages me, that supports my realization that this is a serious problem I have, and I'm just starting to get into the plan to start controlling these thoughts.

And I can see that it's actually something that I can get to start working with much mental practice. On the train ride home today the book even had this to say, which also applies to me so well: "Indeed, some people are born with a stronger sense of self than others. But courage and self-confidence are muscles that grow with exercise. Deciding to adjust your focus and choose your own perspective...builds emotional strength so that it comes more easily and naturally the next time around."

Oh my gosh, I could go on and on about this book. In short, the book sets forth a three-step process. First, breaking the grip of the negative swirling thoughts (and it discusses a number of different possibilities for how to do this and gives good examples of each, as well as a quick reference list at the end of the chapter). Second, moving to higher mental thinking ground to really be able to clearly think about the things bothering us. And finally, avoiding future traps that will get us into our negative overthinking cycle. I've only finished reading about the first step so far, but the chapters on the other two steps also have quick reference lists at the end.

I'll stop now. Can you tell how excited I am by this book though? I know it's soooooo not going to be easy to start incorporating these steps into my thinking life, especially when I'm in a depressed mood (because as I learned also from the book, when we're depressed all our sad thoughts are so easily accessible because they're all connected through the nodes in our brains and because I overthink so often, those connections actually become stronger), but I love that it's all laid out and I can start working on it and have a plan. I love that! It gives me hope for the future, even today when I was having another depressed mood I still had some hope and started reading the book instead of thinking (okay I was thinking some but I didn't let myself spiral downward at least).

In other news, this site has some of the most amazing outdoor photographs! I spent so much time tonight admiring so many of them! And I can tell that many of them are created using a new technique that I only first heard of about a month ago, called HDR (and I can't remember off the top of my head what it stands for). When I was visiting Mr. H a couple weeks ago I took a bunch of pictures that I could use to try out this HDR thing, but I haven't yet actually tried to put them together and see what happens. This site makes me now want to get to learning that!

Okay, it's past my bedtime. Last night I slept on the couch so I could sleep in A/C, and my bedroom was SO HOT that I just kept the door closed. James woke me up many times during the night for some cuddling, and even little Emma woke me up a couple times by jumping up on me, and then my sore back woke me up at other times. So I'm really sleepy and my eyes are especially telling me how tired they are! It's cooler tonight so I'll be sleeping in my fabulous bed!

I've put a few of the pictures I took on Saturday night in this post (they aren't anything special but in my sad mood they pleased me and made me happy), but here's something that made me smile when I was walking, the whole truck was decorated this way. (The part that especially made me smile was the "+ Darth Cheney" at the side!) :)

Self-Confidence

2007-07-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

For the past few days I've been thinking about a problem of mine. I've had this happen to me in the past and obviously I'm still susceptible to it if I'm not careful.

At the core it's my ever-present problem with self-confidence and feeling and really believing, all on my own, that I'm wonderful and fabulous and beautiful and smart, etc. Instead, I often tend to base my worth on how others see me and feel about me. Even at the times when I do really know that I'm beautiful and wonderful I still kind of need some affirmation that others know and see it as well and it's not just in my head.

I'm having a really hard time writing this post and I've just begun. Because it requires me right off the bat to kind of generalize the way I feel and think, but some days I really do have self-confidence. Okay even as I write that big statement I know it's not completely true because I probably got the "self"-confidence in part from outside sources. But it's still hard because I don't want to give the impression that I'm always walking around with my head down and feeling awful - many days I walk around feeling fabulous and knowing that I'm so wonderful in so many ways and feeling like I can do anything and the world is my oyster. But it's so easy to crack that confidence, and what I base that confidence on, in part, is what bothers me.

There's this woman at my work who I love and adore for all the silly things that make her the person she is. I know this seems like a completely different topic but it's not. She's a feisty, tiny woman, maybe 4'11" at most. She's I think almost 50 (nothing wrong with that by itself of course), she's never been married and lives in a two-flat with her mother (her mother lives downstairs, she lives upstairs), she's well overweight, she has bad rosacea, and she's mostly bald on top so wears her hair very short and combed over on top (the baldness is completely apparent even with the very thin comb-over). She isn't physically attractive and she's not particularly intelligent. But she has more self-confidence than most people I know combined! And she's always having sex and she's actually been "the other woman" in the past. It always confounds not only me but others at work when we talk about it, about how much confidence she has. And I know I'm speaking critically of her in many ways but I also love her - she's so feisty, I love teasing her and she always jumps for the bait, she cracks me up with all her little stories, she's genuinely a good-hearted person, and when she's not at work I miss her. I know I'll never meet anyone like her and I try to mentally take note of silly things she says and does because I don't ever want to forget her.

But so anyway, how did she get so much self-confidence?! This sounds really awful but if I looked like her I wouldn't want to leave my house, whereas she walks around as if she looks just like everyone else. Is it a genetic trait, our level of self-confidence? I think it probably is, to an extent. My own personal view is that, talking about just the trait of self-confidence (and yes I'm calling it a trait but I know it's more complicated), let's say for all the human race people can fall somewhere between 1 and 100 in their level of self-confidence. My belief is that genetics gives a kind of possible range, so maybe one person has a range of 10-50 and another from 65-85. And then it's the environment and the "nurture" aspects that determines where on that continuum each person actually falls within his or her "genetic range". And of course it can and does change throughout the years depending on all kinds of external factors.

Wow, that was kinda way off point now, getting into my own view of the nature-nurture debate! But so for this woman at my work, I think she was just born with a really high capacity for self-confidence, that's the only real explanation I can come up with for how she can have so much! Well okay there's one other thing too that I think may possibly be a partial explanation, but I haven't really fully thought it through so I don't want to put it out there.

Anyway, back to square one again. I sometimes suffer from low self-confidence.
I want to think and know that I'm wonderful, and sometimes, yes sometimes I can even be privately vain and feel really spectacular for all I am and who I am. But to me, it almost doesn't matter if I think I'm wonderful because I need to know that others think it, too. Otherwise maybe I'm really not.

Now I feel like I have to explain that better, too. Back when I was a sophomore in high school and was anorexic, I would look in the mirror and just see an ugly fat body. Everyone else saw something different, and when I look back at the pictures I see that I wasn't fat in the least bit. But yet I still saw something totally different when I looked at myself in the mirror. So I think the way my mind is working is that if I think I'm wonderful and beautiful, it doesn't really mean I am - I need to confirm it with other people to make sure I'm not seeing or thinking something that's very wrong.

Well anyway though - all that doesn't matter too much, the why's and all. What's really bothering me is that at times I get worse and I start to tie my self-worth to something or someone too strongly and forget my own ability to build myself up and control my thoughts and feel inside that I have great worth, and that's the thinking behavior that I want to change right now. I know that it's always a struggle I'll have and at certain times in my life I'll have to struggle much more with self-confidence, and at certain times I'll need more help and support and assurances and love from the people around me. But right now nothing is bad in my life (instead everything is wonderful and I'm happier and more hopeful and content than I can ever remember being), so I need and want to start controlling my thoughts again and start feeling and seeing and really believing the wonderful in me again, all on my own. And be content and happy and accepting of who I am and stop comparing myself always to other people and to my illusions of perfection.

The reason for me writing about this - I've just realized that over the past month or two months, I'm sometimes being incredibly needy with Mr. H and asking for so much love and so many assurances, even though I know inside that there's no need for them. But my mind starts running and I start seeing myself as less and less and I build him up more and more and suddenly I feel like a little fat ugly shy boring troll compared to his wonder, and I start worrying that he'll see it too and then my mind jumps to what would I do without him and it keeps making me spiral downward further and further. It's really a terrible little mental thing that I put myself through and while I'm thinking all those things I know I should try to pull myself out but I can't or don't.

I know of course that when I get that way it's very stressful for Mr. H, it's stressful for me, and it certainly doesn't make me more attractive or wonderful when I'm believing the exact opposite about myself. And then the light bulb went off the other night and I realized that I've started to, more and more, base my worth on Mr. H and how he loves me, instead of on who I am as a person and all the wonderful things about me. It's a really unhealthy thing to do and makes me a needy girl sometimes then. Not that I still won't sometimes be a little needy and I know I'll usually need more assurances and affection than many people do, but I need to get away from this beating myself down while building him up and then feeling unworthy. I need to really respect my own worth at all times.

So, coming to the realization and all that was step number one and I've gotta say, I feel empowered and good just realizing all this. Step two - I'm going to broaden my horizons a little and do things that are fun for me and that will make me feel good.

So first, I'm going to sign up tomorrow for a First-Time Painter class at a nearby art studio - it's once a week for four weeks and they say it's for total beginners so I think we only actually use paint for the last week or two weeks and first we learn about line, value and color using charcoal. I've always wanted to learn how to paint and I do have oil paints and some canvas paper and now and then I get it all out and try to paint some masterpiece vision in my head, but I soon get really frustrated by my complete lack of ability to paint even close to the image in my head and I end up just swirling beautiful colors around on the paper. So this will teach me something even if I never do become the master painter! :) I'll like even learning about lines, value and color! I love colors! And I'm excited about it!

And second, I'm going to re-join the gym on the monthly basis. For the past couple months I've been, on and off, getting a craving for that little adrenaline high after working out, and I've also been craving the sore feeling that lets you know you're working your muscles in a good way. And we all know that working out is so good for us, and increases energy and for me, it'll increase my self-confidence in first the body-confidence way and second because I'll be proud of myself for doing something that's good for me! And I love feeling strong and fit!

So that's my plan for now - 1) recognizing my tendency, 2) painting class, 3) start exercising again. All the underlying stuff will still be there of course, and I'll still have lows and I still want to deal with some of those underlying issues, but at least looking at the behavioral aspect, I'll stop beating myself down and tying my self-worth to Mr. H's love and I'll go back to being the normal me most of the time and being fabulous and also proud of myself for taking action!

I also want to start seeing a counselor again sometime soon. I want to learn how to stop the negative swirling of thoughts in my head once they get started. It's so hard to stop them and they go from negative to terrible scenarios to future possible pain and on and on. The Meat suggested trying a Pavlovian route and pinching myself really hard or punching myself in the arm - something to make me associate the thoughts with physical discomfort. I don't think that'll work, since I'd be inflicting the pain on myself and my mind is stronger than that. But I'll still try it.

I just really wish I could have more control of myself mentally, so that'll be one thing to talk to a counselor about. And also about my self-confidence and my feeling like I have to be perfect and have to be the best and the only one and the everything. I worry about what will happen as I get older if I can't grow beyond this comparing myself to everyone else, and this worry about other girls being more beautiful and more sexy, etc. I think summer is harder for me because there's more to see and compare myself to in all the girls I pass on the streets. I SO wish I could be one of those people who is just ALWAYS content and so pleased with the person he or she is and not feel threatened by or jealous of anyone else. It would be so much easier. And I know from experience that the times when I'm feeling confident and content and fulfilled are the times when I'm least affected by those negative thoughts, and I'm better able to push them out of my head. So I'm hoping that by giving myself more to do and filling my life and time a bit more, I'll get more of that inner strength to (getting dramatic here) slay the evil negative swirling thoughts!!! I'll still want to work on them with a counselor on and off for probably much of my life, but getting the strength to stop them or slow them down will be such a good feeling.

This was a long post. And I probably could have said all this in a much shorter and more concise way. But oh well, I sometimes work stuff out in my head as I type so that's why it's not concise and instead can be very stream-of-consciousness! And I'm fabulous and I like my stream-of-conscious long posts! :)

Whew, I feel so much better now after writing all that!!! A little low because it's hard talking about and acknowledging the nutty tendencies I have, but still overall better for recognizing the problem finally and having a bit of a plan! Plans make me feel good!!

*******

Little afternote - I talked to Mr. H tonight about this post after I wrote it but before I published it, and he feels really good that I've realized all this. He's so damn wise sometimes! I'm happy that we talked about it, I'm happy that he feels very good about my realizations and plan, and dammit it also makes me feel slightly less worthy and like damaged goods because of my little mental confidence problems and racing mind problem. How do I stop myself from feeling bad about my mental baggage and feeling like it's a huge check mark in the negative column for me?

Okay I'll give myself a little pep talk, but I can't promise that I'm going to be 100% buying all that I'm saying with regard to my mental issues not being a huge flaw:

no one is perfect and we all have some little imperfections, and my racing and sometimes nutty mind and my lack of self-confidence don't take away from my kindness and compassion for other people and for all animals, from my enthusiasm for so many things and my love of so many people and things, my love of having fun and ability to have fun doing almost anything when I'm with friends, my intelligence and interest in learning and knowing about many things (including cultures, politics, spirituality, psychological and sociological issues, and so much more), and the fact that I'm a really good and nice person. It also doesn't take away from my easy laughter and frequent smile, from my wonderful creativity and my desire to always grow and become a better person. And I believe that being emotional and occasionally overemotional is far preferable to not really feeling or caring. And also, I just thought of this - my flaws (lack of self-confidence, crazy racing mind, lack of self-discipline and lack of ability to light a fire under my own butt) are all things that I can work on and improve. I'll always struggle with them but at least they are workable/fixable/changeable and aren't serious character flaws. And my desire to try to work on those flaws is a positive that should chip away a little piece of the negative in the flaws. :)

I need to stop writing now, or my mind will never stop running and I'll just keep writing more and more and more. It's a monster sometimes, this mind of mine!! :)

BTW - I appreciate any advice, observations or comments. This is a pretty hard thing for me and I want to let it affect my life and relationship as little as possible.

[Photos by me, taken on Thursday while partially walking home. It's amazing how perfectly these favorite ones of mine fit into this post.]

Some pictures from my recent visit to see Mr. H, and some other ramblings

2007-07-04T20:55:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't written in a long time. I'm okay with it now cause it's just the way I am - sometimes I write a lot, and sometimes not for a very long time. I'm not going to let myself get stressed by it anymore so I'm not going to say another word about it.

On June 20 (Mr. H's 36th birthday) I flew to visit him. He spent the whole month of June living and working in a cottage on an island near Vancouver, so after I landed I took a tour bus through Vancouver, onto a ferry, and about a thirty-minute drive after landing, and my love picked me up from the bus stop there. And then I got to stay with him in this cottage for a few days! I was there until the evening of the 25th, when Mr. H dropped me off at the ferry and his mother picked me up in Vancouver and drove me to the airport. And then I took an overnight flight back to Chicago, puffy eyes and all cause it's so hard to leave and I cried a bit on that last day.

It was sooooo beautiful there, and both Mr. H and I kept saying over and over again that we could stare at the water for forever and never get tired of it. It's always changing - the color of the water, the color of the sky, the presence of clouds - it's just so intriguing to look at and it's never the same. Staying at the cottage with Mr. H, looking at the water, playing with his dogs, taking pictures - it was so peaceful, so slow and relaxing and refreshing, and I was so happy being there.

Mr. H is coming here in about a month - as I write I'm not sure of the exact date because last night we decided to change it from him arriving on July 20 or 21 to him arriving on July 28 and staying through my birthday on the 31st. But because we're planning on spending the weekend with my parents at their cottage, and after realizing that there are other guests at the cottage that weekend, we can either go then with the other guests or he can come a week later. But so anyway though, I'll be seeing him in a month and I'm so happy!! And he's going to drive here from Vancouver so he can bring his dogs, so James and Emma can meet the dogs on their home turf for the first time and hopefully it will be a positive start - I'll have to reread all the articles I've saved on introducing dogs and cats and I know I'll have to remain calm myself so James and Emma don't sense my anxiety. I think Emma will probably hide most of the time, but I'm hoping to help James not be afraid. I'll have all their stuff in my bedroom and I'll have the bedroom blocked off with a gate of some kind so James and Emma feel safe from the dogs. Well, I have a month to plan for all that! And to keep my hopes very modest about their first meeting. :)

Also, in the next month I hope that Mr. H and I will make a decision regarding the immigration route we'll take. I've read up so much and made a whole spreadsheet of our options and the pros and cons of each way, and I also have a list of questions that I can't find certain answers for. So Mr. H will meet with an immigration consultant and show him or her the spreadsheet and go over these questions and ask for his or her recommendations, and then we'll make a decision and have a plan. I'll feel good having a plan and better knowing the whens and hows.

Okay - well that was the quick update. Here are some pictures now from my wonderful trip!

I made a few panoramas from my pictures, click on these pictures to view them bigger - this was the view from the cottage, it was so beautiful!!!

A dramatic evening panorama

I loved the wildlife there! Here was such a beautiful heron!

The heron and a tugboat with its logs in the background

Beautiful shell on the rock beach

In an inland bay, the reflections of these water planes were so pretty!

Mr. H's hand!! :)

The flowers were so beautiful and I took so many pictures of them in all kinds of light - this was in the morning with some dew or old raindrops still there

Rosebuds

Another picture of the rosebuds - I keep going back and forth on which picture I like better

Paint-splattered rose, which I actually really liked!

We saw so many eagles, and it was my first time of seeing an eagle in real life! They are so incredibly regal when they're just sitting there.

The eagle taking flight (I didn't have my zoom lens with me at the time but I was still happy to be able to capture some of the coolness!)

An eagle in silhouette landing in a tree

Mr. H got a new truck, it's our first vehicle together! I drove it a few times and he got this one because I can move the pedals towards me without having to move the seat so far forward!

A cruise ship leaving Vancouver and heading to Alaska

I loved the beauty of this lonely little boat

I love the reflections, the clouds, the everything! If you enlarge this photo you can see one of the cruise ships lit up by the sun in the distance, so cool!

At a little resort a short distance away, this was the view from a tent (identical to the one at the bottom of the picture) - and Mr. H and I so want to stay in one of those tents sometime now! I wish I could post more pictures of what the tent looked like inside but he and I are posing in most of them.

These were the coolest trees!! They're called Arbutus trees - they lose their outer bark and the underwood is so smooth and beautiful!

This is a bit of a funny picture! We went to the local dump to get rid of some materials, and this was the dumping spot there for unwanted toilets, poor things! :)

I love seeing and documenting little things like this - it's not just a McDonald's, it's a Canadian McDonald's!!

This was my little souvenir from this trip! He's so cute!!! I always get something at the airport when I'm leaving and I'd seen these little guys before, and this time it was finally time to get one! We named him Skooky, short for the Skookumchuck Narrows (we didn't go there yet but it's near the cottage where we stayed and during high tide it's a huge rapids of a few different inlets all meeting, or something like that)!

*******

That's it for now! The album I actually sent out to everyone had around 250 pictures in it, so it was hard to choose just a few here!

Mr. H is so busy with so many things since getting back to Vancouver, which is understandable since he was gone for a month. We just talked on the phone for a few minutes and tonight he's going to do his quarterly taxes and do a quote for a big job and also return the calls of a couple of clients - so we aren't going to have our normal skype talk so he can get all this stuff done. I completely understand and yet I'm a little sad now, feeling sorry for myself, because I love our nightly skype talks and I love being able to see his face on the webcam. So now I have to try to lift myself up out of feeling down and I'm not so good at doing that, unfortunately.

I'm trying to think now what I should do to get my mind off of it. I guess I can go shower now so I don't have to in the morning, and I can do the whole feel-beautiful-routine in the shower so I'll feel new and fresh when I get out. I don't feel like watching any kind of movie or TV cause I'd thought of seeing what movies I could order on Comcast but it holds no real interest and I really don't feel like just watching anything. My place is relatively clean so I don't need to do any kind of cleaning spree to take my mind off things, although after I clean I do feel so empowered so maybe I'll just clean my bathroom cause that's the one room I didn't clean over the weekend. Last night I read a couple magazines to lessen the stack but I was really annoyed by the time I was forcing myself to finish with the second one so I'm not wanting to pick another magazine up quite yet. I started reading The Te of Piglet a couple nights ago and I read it last night before going to sleep as well, and it actually relaxed me and made me feel kinda good - both good because I love that kind of stuff and feel like I'm improving myself and expanding my mind when I read those kind of books, and also happy just because I was reading a book and I haven't read a book in so long now and am a little frustrated by it. I'm feeling kind of cabin-feverish - nothing seems right and everything I think of doing is somehow not right either. I hate when I'm in one of these moods!

Okay, I'm going to put on happy music, go wash my face and then shower and exfoliate and all that good stuff in the shower, and then I'll read my Piglet book for a bit and see how it goes. There are some people letting off fireworks a little ways away and my brave babies don't even seem to mind!

Oh yes - Happy Fourth of July! And I know today is also CeeCi's one-year anniversary of sobriety so congratulations, congratulations, congratulations, CeeCi!!!

One and a half years

2007-05-10T18:57:00.000-05:00

First, a very funny picture of little Emma! I didn't have the flash up and she went into a quick yawn when I took the picture, so this is the blurry ending to her yawn - I think she looks like a little lion roaring and it just cracks me up every time I see it!!! She looks so so so silly!!! :)

I have to do laundry and pack tonight cause tomorrow night I'm going home to Michigan to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom and my grandma, and of course hang out and spend some time with my parents.

I'm looking forward to it and yet I'm also just a little stressed, for some reason I'm often a little stressed when I'm going home to see my parents - I think I feel a little more judged by them. I feel that my friends are much more accepting of me and recognize all the wonderful things about me more than my parents do. Yes, my parents love me, but I often feel like they don't really know me, and I sometimes feel like they are disappointed in me. And I feel like they are sometimes very negative. And they are very different from me in so so so many ways - in personality, in what makes us 'tick', in our outlooks on life and all the little pieces of life, in just so many things.

When I was talking to The Meat yesterday I realized that my parents, especially my mother, are the kind of people who look for "why they/you/I can't do (insert thing here)." I like to be and always want to be the kind of person who thinks "I can do this and I can do that and you and I and we can do anything." But when I'm with them I feel that sometimes their negativity just seeps around me and I get moody and frustrated and defensive and argumentative with them, and often feel self-conscious and like I'm being judged. And I also feel like I sometimes forget who I am and can only see what I don't want to be.

These are all generalizations of course, and sometimes things are fun and wonderful. And sometimes my parents are in great moods and tease each other and are cute and make me happy. I like those times alot! And sometimes they make me feel accepted just for me. So hopefully this visit will be that way as well. My mom has been in a great mood for the past week, both when we talked on the phone last weekend and in her various emails to me this week, so that's a very good sign. And she got the two dozen roses that my brother and I ordered for her today (my brother said today was the cheapest for delivery and I picked the flowers but he ordered them so I had no say in the delivery day) and she sent a really really happy email to us. And she sent me another email today asking what I wanted to eat and drink while I was there so she can get me stuff I like - that's so sweet, and I'm only going to be there Friday late night to very very very early Monday morning!

Okay so in conclusion regarding my visit to my parents, a part of me is a little anxious about it, but I also have a good feeling of hope that this will be a good little visit.

-------
Now, another thing, and this is a pretty cool and big thing even though at the same time it somehow doesn't feel like such a big thing. But - today is my one and a half year anniversary of being sober! I feel like it isn't a big deal because most days it's not even a big deal anymore. I don't have cravings very often. And the fews times I do, I've never come even close to slipping.

The hardest time in the past year was just in this last month when twice I had such strong cravings and I thought to myself, "I can do it just this once, just one time. I'll get off the couch, walk down the street and get a bottle of wine and drink it and then it'll be just this one time." Three things stopped me, in random order: 1) I knew if I did it once, I would do it again because the feeling of being drunk would be too tempting and I'd have broken my streak so it would be so much easier to drink again; 2) both times little James was curled up against my side sleeping and little Emma was on the couch near us, and I remembered well how when I would walk to the couch with a glass of wine I would feel like they were looking sad and disappointed and I'd always feel a little guilty, and I know they are so much happier now that they have a sober mama who doesn't pass out on the couch all the time; and 3) my relationship with Mr. H is the most important thing in my life, and the best thing that has ever happened to me, and my whole life and future is filled with hope and beauty and love now - and I won't risk losing or hurting that, not for anything and especially not for one night of allegedly blissful drunkness.

And besides those couple cravings this past month, and the occasional urge to drink when the seasons change or when I watch some movie that brings up the feelings, it's pretty easy. So that's why I don't feel like it's such a big deal.

Of course, the other occasional hard part is sometimes when I'm with other people who are all drinking - just socially of course but it still makes me feel self-conscious and left out and very conscious of the fact that I can't drink and very conscious of the fact that everyone else is drinking. I had a couple crying moments when I was in Vancouver. One when Mr. H asked if I would mind if he had an alcoholic drink when he was making us dinner, because he gave me the last of the juice in the house and there was nothing else to drink. I said fine and then I just couldn't stop myself from crying and it eventually became quite a weeping that I couldn't hide.

And it was also a little stressful for me when Mr. H and I went to a friend's house for dinner another night and there were eight of us total and a really big bottle of wine. Even the two children got to have a little tiny mini glass of wine each. And Mr. H was drinking his wine next to me, and I felt so left out and, I have to admit, also a little resentful of him for drinking. And then I felt upset with myself for feeling resentful of him because I'm the one with the problem, not him, and he never gets drunk and enjoys good wine so I can't be controlling of his behavior and prevent him from drinking. But if he hadn't have been holding my hand often throughout dinner, I would have potentially struggled to not cry.

Well so I guess it isn't always so easy. It's easy most days, but then there are the few days when it's not the easiest thing to be a sober alcoholic. And I rarely go out to eat with people here and rarely am around alcohol at all anymore so I know that's part of the reason I reacted so emotionally to being around it in Vancouver a few times. I still struggle with how exactly to deal with Mr. H drinking socially when we're around other people. I'm so conscious of it and I can feel the resentment even now, after I've written about it and am emotionally feeling it all again. I know I'll have to find a way to deal with it. And Mr. H has said that we won't be keeping any alcohol in our house. But I'll have to learn to be okay with him having a beer when we're out with other people, or having a glass of wine. It's hard for me to think about right now. And it's so much by far easier and more relaxed for me when there isn't any alcohol around as compared to when there is. When I'm somewhere where people I'm with are drinking, I am so super-conscious of it, of every glass of wine and bottle of beer. I'm conscious of glasses and bottles being raised to people's lips, I'm conscious of refills on the wine and fresh bottles of beer. And I'm unable to feel completely at ease or relaxed.

Okay, well I guess it's sometimes a bigger deal that I make it out to be, me staying sober for a year and a half now. I do occasionally think about my life with alcohol and how different it was, and how sad it was and how lonely, and how hard it was to know that I had a real problem and was controlled by my cravings for being drunk but not be strong enough to be able to stop it. I'm so so so incredibly happy that I stopped, and I am so incredibly thankful for the internal strength that allowed me to stop.

So - happy year and a half anniversary to me!!

[Writing all that has me in a kind of poopy mood now, kind of mentally tired and emotionally fragile. It's a little hard to think about everything all at once. It's much easier to just deal with the little cravings or little feelings of self-consciousness or resentment when they come up, one situation at a time, than all at once. So that's the end of the alcohol talk for tonight!]

In other news, I got new shoes yesterday and they are SO CUTE and so comfortable as well!!! I'm so excited!!! And I also got a DRESS the other day, a little cute summer dress! I haven't worn a dress in a really, really long time, and I can't remember the last time I wore a little summer dress. But it looks SO GOOD and it feels good and I'm actually excited to be able to wear it, and I already tried it on for Mr. H for the webcam a couple nights ago and he loved it! And he for sure pointed the easy access that it will give us this summer! :) And that's a PERFECT happy thought to end this post on now!!

Random thoughts (and SUCH CUTE pictures of the babies!)

2007-05-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, I just opened the little post box and uploaded two absolutely adorable pictures of James and two completely perfect pictures of Emma (my babies are so so so so so so so cute!!!!!), but now I can't think of anything to write about. I'll put the pictures here first and then just do a bit of stream of consciousness and see what comes out:

- On Friday after work I stopped at the Thai restaurant by the train and ordered some takeout. I've only eaten there once before and I can't remember the last time I've gotten takeout, but I decided that I deserved a little present of good food (it was so-so). Anyway though, the best thing was while I was waiting, there was an Asian couple who also just ordered and they had THE MOST adorable baby ever!!! She started getting a little fussy at one point so her mom stood up and walked around with her. I told her how absolutely adorable and perfect her little baby was, and she sat down next to me for a few minutes and introduced me to baby Amanda, who was two months and three weeks old. I can't tell you how perfect this little girl was - perfect little lips, perfect little dark eyes, perfect little feet with pink socks on, perfect little hands. She was the cutest baby I've seen in a really long time. I ALMOST offered to try my hand at baby photography and give the lady my name and number, but I felt too weird doing that. Oh so cute though, I still see Amanda's little face in my mind! [And no, I'm not dying to have a baby right away and it'll be maybe three years or so as a guess, but I can still gush about baby cuteness!]

- Last night it took me forever to fall asleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was just after 2 a.m. so I'd been in bed for almost two hours at the time. The biggest reason was because I was having my breathing problems again - where I feel like I'm not getting deep enough breaths so I have to do this weird completely full exhale and then deep sucking-in, filling-up-my-chest inhale. As I was laying there trying to get myself to relax I tried taking deep slow breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth like 'they' always teach you to do. And I felt my lungs getting full but it still wasn't satisfying me. I've known for a few years that this every-now-and-then problem of mine is psychological and not physical, but this was the first time I really realized how much of a compulsion the deep, chest-filling inhale is when I get this breathing problem - because my chest normally filled wasn't enough, I needed the deep puff-out sucking-in-inhale feeling in order to feel okay for 30 seconds before I wanted to feel it again. It really sucked to not be able to fall asleep, it sucked to not be able to mentally relax myself and it sucked to be ruled by this compulsive feeling to take deep breaths.

- I'm getting the feeling again now that I started writing about it and thinking about it. I usually drink tea when I get this feeling at night because when I think of tea I think of relaxation and eastern wisdom and such so I feel that it psychologically (and maybe physically as a result) relaxes me. I drank tea last night but it obviously didn't work. I'll try again tonight - I'll drink my decadent tea: Passion Tazo Tea.

- I'm having so much trouble getting up in the morning since coming back from Vancouver. I turn off the mofo alarm and keep resetting my little cell-phone alarm but can't manage to get up. I'll know in my head that I need to wake up but yet can't bear to. Or this morning, I half remember turning off the alarm in the hallway and thinking to myself that I'd sleep for another half hour, but I never set another alarm so I don't know how I thought I'd wake up. James luckily woke me up in time for me to get to work late but not too awfully late. And I was fast this morning. And didn't shower so had kinda gross hair most of the day.

- I'm going home to Michigan this weekend for Mother's Day. When I talked to my mom last night she was in such a good mood so that was good to hear. And my dad retires in less than two months from the job that he's worked at since graduating from college so I'll want to see how he's doing and it'll be good to talk to him. I'm a little worried about how he'll adjust to retirement and how my mom will adjust to his retirement and just how weird it'll all be for my dad after going to work for so many years.

- I need to do laundry. I really need to go put a couple loads in tonight, and really right now. It's so hard for me to get motivated to do much of anything at night after work. Not like work is difficult or stressful, but I just get really lazy at night and want to sit on the couch with my computer and cuddle with James and Emma and that's all.

- My throat is a tiny bit sore right now but it may be due to crap draining down the back of my throat that I have to keep making some disgusting sound to dislodge so I can try to swallow it down. Yes I know this sounds really pretty but the drainage is worse than normal right now and as usual, if I blow my nose hardly anything comes out - it just goes straight from my sinuses or wherever the stuff originates and drains back down my throat. But so anyway though, my original point - my throat hurt a bit last night and a tiny bit during the day at one point and again now, but I don't know if I may be potentially getting sick or if it's just this drainage crap.

- I have a bunch of little things I want to do right now. Of course not involving energy but involving:

1) stuff I should read so I can continue learning web design,
2) figuring out a name for my little future business (cause it's on my mind right now since I saw another web designer's business name which I just adored),
3) looking up Canadian immigration to find some more answers,
4) putting together all the text messages between Mr. H and I into one consolidated email/file (because I always type out all our text messages when my little phone text mailbox is getting full before I delete everything, so I can go back and read our communications and our sending of love to each other! But there are now a few emails with these text messages and I'd like to consolidate them to one document),
5) going through some of my magazines that have recently piled up so I can tear out the stuff I like and file it away and then throw away the rest and at the same time get rid of the clutter in my living room,
6) starting a new template for this blog because I've been itching to do a new one and am bored now with the current one,
7) starting a website design geared toward a potential client so when I make my proposal she can get an idea of how cool it will look, and
8) reading up on how to do a certain kind of document on photoshop elements - cause I have a photo-taking and design job for a client!

Okay, that's all now. I feel better for getting some of this randomness off my chest. (Deep breath). (Disgusting throat noise). I'm also pretty tired. I'm going to stand up as soon as I publish this, go straight to my bedroom and get together some laundry, and go straight downstairs to the machines (hopefully no one will be using them). And then I'll take a shower cause I need to start doing that again at night to help with not getting to work so late. And then I'll talk to Mr. H on skype and that always makes me feel better! Seeing his smile on the webcam and hearing his voice and feeling our togetherness and love is the perfect way to end my nights! :) Gush!!! :)

Pictures from Vancouver :)

2007-04-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

I've been in a bit of a funk since I came back from visiting Mr. H this past Tuesday - I was first of all kind of busy at work and then just missing Mr. H and our wonderful time together, and working on researching a lot of little things having to do with moving to Vancouver, with figuring out what kind of work I can do there and what work I want to do, oh and also I was making a photo album of my visit so Mr. H and I can share it with all our family and friends (it has 259 photos in it!). Also, Mr. H has been really busy this week since I left so we haven't been able to talk as much as usual, and he also just got a flu, so I've been missing him even more than I normally would.

And I'm sometimes feeling slight frustration because I want to have a plan for how I'll move to Vancouver immigration-wise and when I'll move there - I want to just have a game plan so I can start organizing things in my head and making lists of all the things I need to do. I think I'll start feeling better when I know our likely timeframe. But I'm having a hard time finding clear-cut answers online about this stuff. I just have all these thoughts, all these ideas for things I want to do, some guilt at leaving friends here, some fear at moving to a whole new city, some worries about how emotional I'll probably be for the first month with the whole change, with getting James and Emma used to living with two dogs, with leaving everything I know, with needing to get a car and a job and find a couple friends there. And I also have a lot of excitement, too, but because we haven't figured out immigration yet, I'm worried that it's going to take way longer than we're expecting so I don't want to get excited yet only to be disappointed, and not knowing how long it'll take or how we'll do it is stressing me out slightly - also because I really am already mentally preparing to leave and if I suddenly find out that it'll take eight months then the mental preparation I'm going through now will be premature and I'll have to get used to the idea of staying longer then, which isn't what's in my head right now or what I want.

Oh and have I mentioned stress about what I want to do and what job I can get there?! I do feel that I'm moving closer to figuring some things out, at least for the big picture. And I have a lot of sort of foggy ideas and such swimming around in my head. I don't know how they might all fit together but at least the ideas are floating around, and it's all pretty exciting to me. And I've started looking at job ads to learn all the many things I still need to learn to really effectively work in this field I'm interested in - and that's a little intimidating, seeing all that I don't know anything about yet. So I also browsed at some classes here over the summer and got a listing of schools in Vancouver where I could maybe take a couple classes because I know I'm not the best with discipline and keeping to a schedule of teaching myself stuff. But that's bothering me as well because I really do want to have more self-discipline because I have all this time that I really could be using to learn and teach myself this stuff but instead I somehow waste all the time. Oh but so also though, I worry a little about what kind of job I can get initially when I move there because I won't be able to really work in this field yet, at least not full-time. So there's the future career I'm thinking about, the stuff I need to learn for that, some other ideas I have for making money, and also the issue of a first job when I get there - all of those things are on my mind.

Oh and I'm determined to start eating better as well! Tomorrow I'm going to the grocery store and I'm going to get yogurt and fruit that I'll really eat and vegetables that I'll really eat (as opposed to what happens too often: I buy them and they sit in the refrigerator until they go bad).

I know I need to chill a bit and take a big step back and stop thinking about and worrying about every single little thing. I know that, but yesterday and today I'm just in that hormonal-type or at least brain-chemistry-type thing where it's all here and now and I'm unable to completely relax about any of it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be much better and back to being more relaxed and laid-back.

Anyway, enough with the whining and stressing for now. Here are just a tiny few of the hundreds of pictures I took over my wonderful few days with Mr. H! I so love being with him, I love feeling him and being with him and holding his hand and falling asleep together and also waking up together. He's so wonderful and makes me so happy!!! I'm also looking forward to when we're really together so that we can have normal life together as opposed to our visits being such events. Also because that whole part makes me a little nervous because I have no experience with it - the whole living together and learning to develop a routine and still have special couple time and also balance that with personal time and just figuring out all that goes into being a cohabiting couple that is so foreign to me so scares me so I worry too much - like figuring out the household chores and what little things annoy each of us and what we like to eat and who cooks or do we cook together or take turns and who cleans and how to determine when we each and each other need personal time and I like the idea of going grocery shopping together and doing little things like that together but so just all of that stuff - the daily life living together stuff. And so I'll feel better when we start to figure it out a little! Fuck, I'm sounding insane even to myself right now!!! I'll stop writing, here are the pictures, I'll take a few deep breaths and drink some water and tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to start the day off by being more organized but also more sane and most of all, mentally relaxed!! :)

And quickly, my plan for tomorrow: 1) get up at 8 and shower right away, 2) straighten and clean living room, 3) do dishes, 4) get backpack and walk to coffeeshop near grocery store and read html and css book for an hour or two, 5) get groceries and walk home, 6) relaxation time, 7) be ready at 5:30 to hang out with Tivo for awhile. Okay, that sounds like a perfect plan!!! I feel a little better already! :)

View of downtown Vancouver from the plane while getting ready to land, it's so pretty!
I love Mr. H's toolbelt and tools!!! They turn me on!!!
This adorable little kitty named Yoda cuddled with so much while we were at her house, I absolutely fell in love with her!!!
On Sunday we took a ferry to a near-by island, it was absolutely gorgeous out there on the water!!
Another view from the ferry
When we got off the ferry we drove to Sechelt and this was the view from the cottage we visited
There was a beautiful flowering tree so I took some photos of course! :)
I loved the light and view coming in through the window in the cottage, and the lightness of this chair was just perfect there!
On the ferry ride back, after which we drove up to Whistler for the night
Some of the ski hills in Whistler, it was so rustic and quaint and pretty and ski-village-like there!
This is Shannon Falls, which is about halfway between Vancouver and Whistler - all that cold, clean and fresh water falling down made me so thirsty!
At the bottom of Shannon Falls, there were some people making rock stacking sculptures
There were cherry trees with big huge and beautiful cherry blossoms absolutely all over Vancouver, I couldn't stop staring at their complete beauty!!
A pretty view of downtown from a pier in North Vancouver

Oh and I also surprised Mr. H when I got there - I made him a photo book of our first 5 1/2 months together on Shutterfly - it had 29 pages and it was absolutely perfect and beautiful!!! And I call it The Book of Love! I can't really post any pictures of it on here because it of course has pictures of us on every page, but trust me that it is absolutely beautiful and the best idea! I want to make many more of these books for myself and Mr. H and for many people, because they're so wonderful! Oh wait, I can post one page - I have one page with just pictures of our four babies - his dogs and my kittens! Okay so here's one page from our Book of Love to end this post!!! :)

I'm going to Vancouver tomorrow!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!

2007-04-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon I'm flying to Vancouver to see my love!!!!!!! And I am SOOOOOOOOO excited right now, oh my gosh I just have so much excitement and happiness in my heart!!!! My plane is scheduled to land a little before 6 p.m. Vancouver time, so that's even better, knowing that we'll have the whole evening to spend together! Oh I'm just so happy right now!!!!!

However, I'm also really sleepy right now. Last night I didn't go to sleep (although I did nap for about 45 minutes this morning before I left for work) because I really wanted to finish a thing I had to write. Well I sort of had to mostly start it as well and then finish it - I got a really good start last night and then spent most of the day working on it more. The past couple days I've been so stressed because of all I had to get done for work before I left, and then a bunch of other stuff I also had to get done. But now I'm just feeling good! I've gotten enough done, and whatever doesn't get done will still work out okay as well. I'm just happy now so that's good! Oh yes and sleepy too! I painted my toenails awhile ago so hopefully now they're dry enough to go to bed and I won't wake up in the morning with them all smudged. I've set some of the stuff out that I'll need to pack and my camera battery is recharging right now and my ipod is recharging. But I won't pack until tomorrow cause otherwise James knows what the suitcase means and he gets sad. I don't think Emmalove really understands the meaning of the suitcase, but she might catch on one of these times, too. So I want them to be happy until the last possible minute - and because when James is poopy and sad, I'm not happy either.

My face looks terrible right now hopefully only due to the lack of sleep. I'm going to exfoliate now and moisturize it all up and oh I really hope that tomorrow I'm looking a little more alive and refreshed! And I'll sleep on the plane as well to get more caught up on my sleep. Oh - and I also have an under-the-skin zit on my forehead and oh I just want that fucker to shrink back inside! So I also have to try to not moisturize that part and instead blast it with drying-out stuff! Cause I really don't want a big zit coming on when I'm in Vancouver!

Okay I need to go get ready for bed - I can tell I'm sleep cause I'm just babbling here. Oh and I saw this fun little quiz on CeeCi's blog a little while ago and just now checked it out and what do you know - the results came out perfectly! And it was actually pretty fun to take to consciously think about the ways I pronounce things and compare it to other possibilities and how others around the country might speak.

Tomorrow I see my wonderful love and oh I'm so so so so so so so happy!!!!!!! And I'll for sure have some pictures of scenery when I get back!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
North Central
The West
Boston
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Weekend Recap

2007-04-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

I'm going to keep this short - for real! - because it's my bedtime.

Tonight I showered and trimmed up some layers in my hair cause for the past few days my hair has just fallen really flat. I need someone else to trim the length for me a little cause it's way too long to do by myself. And I am terrible with actually getting around to making hair appointments at the one place I go where students cut your hair for cheap - and whenever I do call the only appointments are a few weeks in advance and during weekday afternoons and I usually wait to call until I really need a trim so I don't want to wait that long. I also just removed toenail polish and did all the manicure stuff besides painting - my toenails get so dried out so I'm moisturing them tonight. I'm getting myself all prettied up for seeing Mr. H on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!! (Oh just saying that gets me so excited that it needed lots of fabulous exclamation points!!!!)

My brother and sister-in-law's visit was very fun! I didn't go to work on Friday because of course I procrastinated too long and went to bed too early on Thursday night, and then on Friday morning I realized how much cleaning I still had left to do. I really really piss myself off sometimes, but yet I don't seem to get any better. But anyway, my place was beautiful when they arrived in the early afternoon on Friday. We went out to dinner at night at a nearby restaurant with my sister-in-law's friend from college who lives here, and on Saturday morning I made them pancakes for breakfast cause they wanted to get to the hotel (they were in town for a wedding) early to get ready. And James and Emma both loved having them here and were running all around and being their completely adorable little selves! My brother especially loved them and their cute and silly little antics!

And I think the best and most important thing while they were here - they got to meet and talk to Mr. H through the webcam. I'm so happy about that and even though it wasn't an actual meeting, now my brother has talked with Mr. H and heard Mr. H talk and we all chatted for probably close to 45 minutes. So now it's a little less weird for my brother because he's sort of met the man I completely love and who I'm going to spend my life with!! :)

I've been kind of on and off depressed this weekend for no big reason but just a lot of little worries/frustrations. 1) I still don't know what kind of career I want to have and I don't have much faith in myself to be able to do much, because I know I'm just not the best worker; 2) I'm starting to really look at everything when I'm out and about because I love this city and I'm already kind of missing it, and I honestly can't say what will happen in the long run and where Mr. H and I will end up living - so there's no guarantee that I will ever live here again and I'm trying to memorize everything I can while I'm still here, and I look around at all the amazing urban beauty with a kind of sadness even as I know I'm taking a really important and exciting step by leaving here; 3) likewise, I'm thinking of my closest friends who I'll be leaving and the relationships I have here and the people who love me, and I'm starting to get a little sad; 4) I felt kind of lonely after my brother left and the feeling continued with me on and off throughout the weekend.

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Okay - well my mood wasn't really low when I was writing that last paragraph but I was just recounting what I was down about on and off during the weekend. But now I'm feeling fabulous as I'm about to go to bed because Mr. H and I just had a little chat on skype and just seeing his smile and talking with him for a bit puts me in such a calm and peaceful and at the same time joyous mood. I love feeling his love and it makes everything okay and happy for me just knowing that I'm loved so much and knowing that he's there.

Also - because I'm becoming a hockey fan, I watched the whole Canucks game tonight (well had it on and half watched it while doing my stuff, but was listening the whole time) and they won in OT just before Mr. H and I chatted, so that's an extra good thing because it makes Mr. H happy and I want his team to win! :)

Random things

2007-04-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's a little after 2 p.m. and I'm going to leave work soon because I have a lot to do at home.

Tomorrow afternoon my brother and sister-in-law are flying here for a wedding and tomorrow night they're going to stay with me - which means of course that I have some cleaning to do! My dishes are mostly all clean but I need to dry and wet swiffer and clean the rug and clean my couch and do my clothes laundry and also clean everything on my bed, from mattress pad to sheets and blankets, etc. My brother is allergic to cats, not deathly allergic but still bothered, and I'm letting them have my bed for the night. So I want as few cat hairs on all the bed stuff as possible. And actually tonight after I get it all cleaned and the bed made, I'm going to shut the bedroom door and sleep on the couch so James and Emma won't be all over the bed with me.

They'll only be staying with me on Friday night but I'm excited. And I don't know when the wedding is or when they'll have to get a cab to the hotel, but hopefully we can get some breakfast on Saturday morning too, because I love going out to breakfast!

Last night I watched Lost and then flipped to the Vancouver-Dallas hockey game cause it was on some random sports channel for me! Mr. H was of course watching it as well, and we talked on skype during the intermissions. And I also looked at Vancouver's roster online and read about all of the players so I'll know more about them and like rooting (sp?) for them to win! It's actually really fun for me to watch hockey (when I care about one of the teams) because there's so much action, it's so fast, I'm constantly amazed by the speed and quick movements that these guys can do on iceskates (because I can go very slowly and stiffly about two miles an hour and that's it). So I get to become a hockey fan now because I have a reason - because my Mr. H loves the Canucks, and because I'll be living in Canada!!

Florida just called and we talked for awhile about The Meat and how he's really down and depressed right now and going through a hard few days. He gets depressive episodes now and then and he always tells me that he just has to wait it out and it'll be better on the other side. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier on Florida and I and we feel so helpless by not being able to do anything to help him.

I'll write him a little note (cause he's not in his office right now) and then I'll head home for cleaning!

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Okay it's almost 10 now and I haven't done much. A little, but as usual I procrastinate until nighttime. Mr. H and I already talked on skype and he's gone to bed because he has a terrible cold - yesterday he said he thought he was getting sick and now tonight it was full-blown and he sounded terrible! I hate when someone I love so much is suffering and there's nothing I can do to make it better! And I know the best thing for him is to sleep and if I was there with him I couldn't do anything, but I still wish I was there.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, it was snowing outside. WTF?! Right now I'm running my space heater in my living room because I can't seem to get warm. I'm so ready for spring to get here and oh will I be happy when I can walk outside slowly and just enjoy the beautiful wonderful weather!!!

In other news, two nights ago I decided to try to pop two little bumps on my face because they weren't getting bigger or smaller and I especially don't want them there when I go to Vancouver. The popping didn't exactly work and they were much bigger bumps yesterday, and last night I was trying to squeeze anything and everything out but only liquid was coming out, and after all that the one on my forehead looked like a massive mosquito bite cause it was so swollen all around the whole thing. So I tried pressing a bag of frozen blueberries against it to try to reduce the swelling and also just freeze anything hiding inside there (same with the one on my cheek, and I don't usually get zits on my cheeks (knock on wood)!). Today I covered them with makeup when I went to work and oh they looked terrible and I felt like my forehead had a mini mountain on it! But I've washed them tonight and I'm not touching them or doing anything else and I'm so happy to report that the one on my forehead is looking slightly better. Still red and ugly, but it looks like it's drying out a little and that's a really good thing! I know it's such a stupid thing, but it's really bothersome having such big things on my face!!!

And I'll go get restarted with the cleaning in a second but I just have to say one other thing: I find it so disgusting that so-called leaders like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, as well as the media reporting non-stop, have managed to get Don Imus fired. Once again, no, of course I don't like what he said. Yes, it sounded terrible. But come the fuck on already. This whole thing is so wrong and I actually feel sorry for Imus now and hope he can come back stronger than ever on some other radio network, just to stick it to Jackson and Sharpton who have such ridiculously high egos and try to create controversy just so they can try to prove that they're still powerful and necessary. They are all about pressure and essentially blackmail, and I find about 95% of what they say and/or do to be complete crap. Everything about those two is ridiculous and disgusting to me, and I would never want someone like them speaking for me. Oh it gets my blood boiling just thinking about it again.

Okay, I'll go get started now. I'm tired and I'd rather take a nap on the couch, but I'll hopefully get in my cleaning zone soon after I start.

Little Words Meme and Talks with Mom & Dad

2007-04-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

I saw this on one of Ceeci's post from I think last month and I thought it looked fun (I actually did it last night so the answers are from then):

Three Little Words Meme

1. Where is your cell phone? On the coffeetable.

2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? He's my fiance!

3. Hair? Long strawberry blonde.

4. Your mother? Intelligent, controlling, worrier.

5. Your father? Funny, caring, moody.

6. Your favorite item(s)? Computer, camera, ring.

7. Your dream last night? Remodelled work offices.

8. Your favorite drink? Water and coffee.

9. Your dream guy/girl? I found him.

10. The room you are in? My living room.

11. Your fear? Dying from cancer.

12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Happy, healthy, fulfilled.

13. Who did you hang out with last night? My two kittenbabies.

14. What are you not? Mean, rich, uncaring.

15. Are you in love? Oh yes indeed.

16. One of your wish list items? More financial security.

17. What time is it? Seven fifty-two.

18. The last thing you did? Got my dinner.

19. What are you wearing? Tanktop, pants, slippers.

20. Your favorite book? Have no favorite.

21. The last thing you ate? Yummy dry cornflakes.

22. Your life? I'm pretty happy.

23. Your mood? Relaxed, unfortunately lazy.

24. Your friends? Bring me joy.

25. What are you thinking about right now? Calling my parents.

26. Your car? Have no car.

27. What are you doing at this moment? Typing and eating.

28. Your summer? Exciting things planned.

29. Your relationship status? I'm happily engaged.

30. What is on your TV screen? The Colbert Report.

31. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday with Mr. H.

32. Last time you cried? This past Friday.

33. School? Six years ago.

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I have so much on my mind right now. Last night I called my parents and talked to my mom about our plan for me moving to Vancouver - she didn't take it very well, which I expected. Still, we ended the conversation well. Today I got a few emails from her and I'm trying really hard to breathe and relax and put all her ridiculousness out of my head, so I'm not going to say another thing about any of them.

And tonight just 15 minutes ago, I got off the phone with my dad after we talked for 59 minutes - I'd told my mom last night that I wanted to tell my dad so he didn't know anything until I told him. It was a much more mature and real and serious conversation with my dad tonight (compared with the talk with my mom), and really very emotionally draining. He's worried of course and just really wants to know that Mr. H and I are thinking this through, and are acting like adults and have an adult relationship, etc. I of course assured him of all of that but he said I could demonstrate it, and at the same time really take away some of his worry and make him feel so much better, by updating him frequently with new things we find out (especially regarding a work permit and health insurance/healthcare). So the more he hears about us taking this seriously, as we are, and getting questions answered and making real plans, the better he'll feel.

I love my dad so incredibly much. I love that we talked for so long tonight and I love that even though it was all very serious and often a little hard for me, I felt so loved by him. He even opened up a little about how being a parent with children who are mostly adult is more difficult than when were little, because now he can just worry and talk to us but has to ultimately stand back then and watch us make our own decisions alone, and he can just hope and pray thay our decisions are the right ones. He also talked about how he doesn't deal with these kinds of things - that cause him stress and worry - very well and that he doesn't talk about what's going on his head - he said I know all that about him. But at the same time, I love that he really talked to me tonight and for so long, and let me know his worries but also let me know that if this is right and both Mr. H and I are making a serious commitment here and have really thought it through, then he'll be so happy knowing I'm starting a life with someone I love and who loves me, and knowing that I'm settled in and happy.

I'm happy too that he told me what I can do to make this easier on him - just keeping him updated regularly and keeping him in the loop, and telling him what Mr. H and are planning and figuring out and finding out. I love knowing what I can do to make my dad happy and make this all easier on his mind, that really makes me feel happy and relieved. And I know that sometime he'll finally get to see and really realize how serious Mr. H and are, and how real and wonderful and important this relationship and love of ours is to us. And that will make me the most happy!

(Oh and by the way, Mr. H and I rented a car when he was here a month ago and we drove to Michigan and spent five hours with my parents and then drove back to Chicago (Mr. H wasn't here for long so we needed our own time too, and five hours was a perfect amount of time for this first meeting), and they both really liked him a lot, and were so impressed by so many things about him. The first meeting went as good as I had hoped and made me so happy.)

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It's a little later now and I'm about to get ready for bed. Mr. H and I just got off the phone and can I just say quickly how happy he makes me!!! He is so wonderful, he's just so close to perfect for me in my mind and when I see him smile big on the webcam and see his dimple and hear him laugh, oh it just makes my heart absolutely soar!!! It's impossible for me to explain to people just how wonderful he is because I can never find the words - and the words I find sound so inadequate to me - but he just really really is!!!!

By the way, I am absolutely fascinated by this whole Don Imus thing. I don't like what he said at all but all the calls for him to be fired are absolutely ridiculous to me, and some of those calling for his firing I find to be such hypocrites and such bad examples for so many people out there of all our races. Anyway, I'm following this story with something close to obsession for some reason. I've never listened to or heard this Imus guy's radio program so I don't care one way or another for him. But the fact that everyone is just jumping all over this guy like he's the devil incarnate is so bothersome to me. He said something bad and was wrong, but what about redemption and forgiveness, what about all these so-called reverends setting a good example. And what about other people who have said bad things as well and not had such massive calls for their firing, etc. And also - oh I could keep going on and on here and I guess that's why this whole story interests me so much. Mr. H let me rant and go on about it for awhile tonight and I'm glad cause it's just so in my mind right now. I haven't usually talked about these kinds of issues on this blog but it's so in my head that I needed to write something on it here.

Okay - to bed! Woohoo, two days in a row for me, I'm awesome!!!! :)

Our happiness!

2007-04-09T16:26:00.000-05:00

This actually happened a month ago but I just don't have the time or find the time anymore to post anything. But so yes, we're engaged!!!!!! And in a week and three days I fly to Vancouver to visit my fiance!!! And on the day I leave, April 24, it'll be our 6-month anniversary!

Because I'm doing a quick update now, I'll continue just a little longer! Mr. H is Canadian so we've been figuring out which route we'll take to get him here to the US - and I've become an expert in US Immigration law for fiance(e) and spousal visas. Still, it looks like it's going to take longer than I had originally thought - the Vancouver consulate said it was taking a year to process these visas from first filing. So Mr. H and I just recently made the decision that I would move to Vancouver first and get my Canadian residency and then from there we'd start the US immigration filings.

At first the idea freaked me out but then I started thinking of the so so so many benefits:

1) Mr. H and I will be able to be together much sooner.

2) I'll get to live in another city and country for a temporary period of time and ever since graduating from law school I've wanted to experience another place but be able to return to Chicago - only money and fear and job and so many other things always prevented that. But now I have this perfect opportunity!

3) I'll get to know Mr. H's family and I just love that idea because otherwise it would take me years to really feel like I knew them well and feel like they were family.

4) It'll be such an adventure!

5) It'll get me out of my current rut because otherwise I don't think I would ever leave the comfort of my current job and explore other options. When I move to Canada I won't be able to practice law so that won't even be an option, and instead I'll have to really be outside of my comfort zone and prove to myself that I can do just fine - it'll give me some much-needed confidence! I can also explore so many other options, I can take some web design classes or just keep doing it on my own but have more time (I completed my first website recently - a whole website for Mr. H and his business, and it's beautiful!!!! Yay me!!!!).

Anyway, I love the idea that Mr. H and I will be able to be together much sooner, that we'll be able to start the slightly stressful beginning of introducing my two cats and his two dogs to each other (I've read so many articles on ways to do this because I want it to go as smoothly as possible). And I love that we'll get to start the process of living together and figure out all that as it happens. And I love the idea of this adventure even as a tiny bit is very stressful, but it's a good stress and I know I won't be alone while I try to find a job and figure out what to do there.

We don't have a time quite yet as to when I'll be moving there because first Mr. H needs to meet with an attorney there to answer some questions about Canadian immigration and a work permit and health insurance. I think we're going to have to get married right away for some of these things. And then at a later time we can have a little ceremony there in Vancouver and also we'll have one in Chicago probably when we move back here.

James and Emmalove are very good although a month ago I noticed that James was trying to go pee and nothing was coming out, and I knew this could sometimes happen to boy cats and I also know they can die if it's not taken care of right away, so I rushed him to the vet and cried there while they took him in the back, the vet met with me and said she couldn't express anything from his peepee and he would scream in pain whenever she pressed on his belly (that broke my heart!). Then I waited in the waiting room, trying not to cry, while they sedated him and put a catheter (sp?) in and an IV in his little arm, and then he spent two nights at the vet until they knew he was doing okay and peeing on his own. There's a 50-50 chance that it will happen again at some point so I always keep my eye on him and on the litter box. Oh and it was $750, not that he isn't worth it in every possible way, but it made me realize that I really need to work on always having some money set aside for rainy days.

Also a month ago, my aunt in Wisconsin passed away from breast cancer that had metastasized (sp?) to her bones. She would have been 52 just this past week. She'd been fighting the bone cancer for the past I think five years, trying to hold it off as long as she could. A week before she died I went with my parents to see her and it was so sad and so scary. She didn't look like herself at all even though a couple times when she was awake we saw her humor a bit, which was almost more painful. I hate this disease cancer, I hate everything about it. I hate how prevalent it is, I hate how many kinds there are and how they're all different, I hate that we can't always cure it, and I hate how much it terrifies me. My aunt was so incredibly strong and dealt with so much at such a young age, and I admire her so much for it. Even while battling the initial breast cancer she was going to college on weekends and I think some nights, and she graduated right after they discovered the cancer in her bones. And during that time she was also raising a family and always moving up in her job. She was so strong and wonderful and I wish so much that cancer didn't have to occupy so many of her years and didn't have to take her life at such a young age.

Well, I'm suddenly at a loss now. I can't think of anything else to talk about. I could gush about Mr. H plenty I'm sure, but after writing about my aunt I don't feel like writing much more now.

I'll try to get more in the habit of writing again, but I can't promise anything, not even to myself. A week ago I started a new blog set to private with the idea that I could get back in the habit of writing and be doing it for me instead of with other people in mind. And when I was regularly writing in this blog it really helped me so much - both with organizing my thoughts and also with the relationships with other bloggers. But I've gotten so out of the habit that I haven't been able to start again. I'm actually amazed that once I started this post I was able to just keep writing. Oh and that private blog - I haven't written a thing in it since starting it. So I'm not even doing good with that!

I guess from this I've seen that once I start writing it comes out, but then again, this post is mostly just recapping what's been going on and not writing everything in my head. Hmmm. I'm not even making sense to myself right now with any point I was trying to make. In conclusion, I want to write but I don't know how frequently it will happen, and I don't know if I'll be able to get back in the swing of things so easily after not writing for so long. I feel like I've lost my voice. Maybe I'll start by determining to write one paragraph a day in the little private blog so I can get back in the swing of things. That's what I say now anyway, but I'll see what happens. However, I will make a 95% promise that I won't go for over two months without posting again, just so people know I'm still alive and kicking and doing mostly well! And who knows, maybe I'll suddenly be posting four or five times a week again now that I've written this! I have no idea! I know I'd like that though. I'm thinking of all the reasons why I'd like that now! Oh and Mr. H just suggested to me in the last week that I post about my recent cravings to get drunk again since I told him that one of the reasons I initially started the blog was because I knew the alcoholism was something I'd have to address soon. So I could maybe write on that soon.

Okay, enough rambling. I have some serious laundry to do. And my dishes from the past week to do. And some other important things. And I've planned to call my parents tonight so I need to get going. Hopefully I'll write again soon.

Gratitude Tuesday (on a Thursday)!

2007-01-30T09:25:00.000-06:00

[Okay yes, I'm a little late with Gratitude Tuesday this week - so it's Gratitude Thursday - but I had so much fun with all the many M words and I didn't want to write on only some of them. This was a fun letter to do, for sure! In other news, I've mostly finished my taxes, and I've been on time to work for two days in a row now - yay me!!! Self-discipline - it's my new number one goal and I'm feeling very good and very positive and I know I can conquer this lack of discipline that I've had for so long!!!]

And now, it's time for Gratitude Tuesday, and this week it's words that begin with the letter M!

Manliness and Masculinity - I'm so so so grateful for manliness and masculinity! I have always adored these qualities and found them to be so appealing and so attractive. I've always thought guys who were good with tools and building things had some extra natural attractiveness to them - and I love that Mr. H is extremely good with all that!!! It's so so so yummy to me!!!!!!!! I've never wanted some wimpy guy, some metrosexual guy - I like the manliness! And I like to feel like the female, to feel feminine compared to my guy. I like knowing that he's stronger than I am and bigger than I am! Strength and competence are such a turn-on for me! It's all such a turn-on for me!

Marriage - I'm so grateful for marriage and what it means - that it's a commitment two people make to each other, to live their lives together and be loyal to each other and love each other and grow together and support one another and so so so so so much more. And I also know that I don't want the kind of marriage that my parents have or the kind of marriage that so many people seem to fall into and that doesn't stay close and doesn't grow in a good way. I have spent so many hours and days and weeks over the past many years thinking about all this and worrying about all of it, and I know what kind of marriage I don't want, and I know many of the things I do want in my marriage, and I know that I'll work always to keep my marriage strong, to keep love and passion alive, to keep communication always open, to be consistent with my love, to be caring and respectful and loving and treat him like the wonder that he is, and show and tell him so often how happy he makes me, and tell him I love him every day. I love so much that Mr. H feels the same way about all of this as I do, and that it all means just as much to him, and he sees the importance of all these things too, the importance of working at it and the importance of keeping it strong. He's so incredible, and so different from almost all the people - both men and women - who I've come to know in my life. I feel like I've won the lottery by finding him, I really really do!

Me - I'm so grateful for me and for who I am and who I've become!!! I love myself and love who I am, and that makes me feel wonderful!!! :)

My Mind - I'm so so grateful for my mind, for my intelligence, for my compassion, for the way I think.

My Mom - I have issues with my mom, yes. And she's not perfect and has many issues that she refuses to acknowledge or deal with. But I love her so incredibly much and admire her so much for her extreme intelligence and knowledge and for her devotion to her family. And she has done so much for me, so so so much for me, and shows her love for me so often. And tells me every time she talks to me or emails me, too. We started that a couple years ago and I love that she gets to hear me tell her that I love her every time we talk, just so I won't ever regret not telling her.

Maine Coon Cats - my parents have two Maine Coon cats, and they are both so sweet and wonderful - and big!

Moon - I think the moon is absolutely fascinating - not just for how it looks but for its effect on our planet and on us. The fact that it affects the tides of the oceans - how amazing is that! And as The Meat has said - he worked in a psychiatric ward when he was much younger and people are definitely crazier when it's a full moon. I find that so so so incredibly fascinating! That this floating huge hunk of something that's millions of miles away from our planet can have such an effect on not only nature, but on our mood and behavior. I need to read more on this whole idea because I am endlessly intrigued by it. I also read part of a book a few years ago called "Cunt" - a feminist book that a friend gave me. The only part I remember was her chapter on women's reproductive systems, and one point when she pointed out the fact that women's cycles are about the same length of time as the moon's cycle. That's so fascinating, too!!!!! I'm so grateful for this fascination that the moon gives me, and for it's power that so intrigues me.

Menstruation - I'm so grateful for menstruation and for my whole reproductive system. I don't mind at all having the hormonal highs and lows, having my period every month, or everything else that goes along with it - because it's my body and it's part of what makes me feel so feminine and also so connected to my whole sex sometimes. And it also means that someday I'll get to experience the miracle of having a little baby growing inside me. My whole menstrual cycle fascinates me as well, and I love being able to monitor my body and to recongnize how it's reacting differently every day. I love not being on birth control because I know it's really me (although I will be looking into birth control in the upcoming months).

Mysticism and Magic - I'm grateful for these two words and ideas - because whenever I even hear the words I have this wonderful feeling come over me. I sometimes feel like I'm transported to the era of King Arthur when I hear those words; other times I feel transported to the settings of my old romance novels. I can't fully explain it, but these words just make me happy and feel wonderful!

Magnetism - The whole thing about magnetism fascinates me, too. I never really loved science so wasn't ever too interested in the "hows" and "whys" of magnetism, but I find myself being much more curious about this topic now. Less in the magnetism of metals and more in the magnetism between people, etc. I felt an instant pull towards Mr. H when I first met him. It was so intense and so immediate. And I feel it with him even just over our webcam chats on the computer. It's still intense, and when I really think about like I am now, I feel that magnetic pull towards him whenever we talk, whenever I see his face in the webcam, and when I'm actually physically with him it's of course even stronger! That fascinates me - that Mr. H and I felt and continue to feel such a connection and pull toward one another - and yet we've both met thousands of people in our lives and with most there is no kind of connection or pull at all. And I also read an article about a month ago about, shit, this gets into the science-type stuff, but it's so fascinating. I'm going to go get the article cause I can't even remember the words...okay, I finally found the magazine (Spirituality & Health, Nov/Dec 2006) - it's about "entanglements" and how "particles, even those traveling away from each other at the speed of light, could remain connected such that reversing the electric charge of one particle would also reverse the charge of the other." The author of the article talks more about "bio-entanglements" between living things and also whole living systems. This is so fascinating! I have to write just a little more:

"In my new book, Entangled Mind, I suggest that we consider the possibility that our minds are physically entangled with the universe, and that quantum theory is relevant to understanding common psychic, or psi, phenomena. Common psi experiences include mind-to-mind connections (telepathy), perceiving distant objects or events (clairvoyance), perceiving future events (precognition), and mind-matter interactions (psychokinesis). Psi may also be involved in intuition, gut feelings, distant healing, the power of intention, and the sense of being stared at...Indeed, psi experiences have been reported by people in all cultures, throughout history, and at all ages and educational levels. This suggests that the phenomena are basic not only to human nature, but also tell us somthing about the fabric of reality." (Author: Dean Radin)

Okay, I'll stop with this, but isn't this just absolutely fascinating!?! And it all sort of comes under the big heading of Magnetism to me as a lay, non-science person.

Moods - I'm so grateful for all my many enormously varied moods, and I'm so grateful for my interest in paying attention to my body and mind and recognizing the moods for what they are. And they're a part of me, and I love me! :)

Mail (and Mailmen and Mailwomen) - I'm so grateful for mail, and for the people who deliver it to us each day! Yes, the mail often contains bills or other non-fun stuff, but when I open the mailbox each day when I get home there's always just a tiny feeling of excitement, just because I don't know what will or won't be in there when I open it!

Medicine - oh I'm soooooooooo grateful for medicine. Yes for the tylenol and little things, but especially for the medicines, thousands of kinds of medicines, that can treat and cure and help prevent major illnesses and death. We all know I have a bit of a fear (yes, "a bit" is a little understatement) of major diseases and a fear of dying early and such, and so I'm sooooooooooooooo grateful for the amazing medicines that can save lives!

Mammograms - I haven't had one yet, but I'm so so so so so grateful that they are out there and that they can detect breast cancer, which is one of my biggest fears. And I've heard about digital mammograms that can be used on younger women with denser breast tissue, and I'm 30 now and breast cancer is in my family. I'm just itching to get a digital mammogram. I'm going to be scheduling a doctor's appointment tomorrow and when I go to see her, I'm going to again inquire about whether the hospital has one of these machines yet.

Making out - I'm very grateful for the wonder of the kiss, and for deep, passionate kissing that is "making out" - and it also kind of cracks me up to say "making out" cause it sounds so much like middle school talk!

Masturbation - well yes this one is an obvious one to be grateful for! I'm so grateful that I can do something which makes me feel so amazing and makes my body take over and react on its own in such a fabulous way!!

Makeup - oh I'm am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so grateful for makeup! I'm not one of those lucky women who look amazing naturally, but makeup allows me to transform myself. My whole life would be so incredibly different if it weren't for makeup. And one of those items of makeup that I'm grateful for is Mascara, which helps so much in making my eyes stand out!

Moisturizer - I'm so grateful for moisturizer so I can keep my whole body soft and smooth and lovely to touch! And I'm so grateful for facial moisturizers so I can hopefully prevent wrinkles for as long as possible! I love all my moisturizers, and I feel absolutely decadent every single time I smooth them on and rub them in!

Mirrors - I'm so grateful for mirrors - for helping me put on makeup, making sure my clothes are looking right, helping me pick clothes to buy in the first place, checking my hair - and also for giving me confidence!

Manchego cheese (so tasty!), Mandarin oranges (again so tasty, plus so easy to eat and even easy to get in cans and such!), Macaroni and cheese (it's so bad for me but such a comfort food), Mayonnaise (makes just about anything taste better), Marinades (I'm no chef but I know marinades can make meats taste amazing!), Mashed potatos (I love mashed potatos, just love them!), and Meat (I could never be a vegetarian)

The Meat - anyone who has read my blog for any period of time has heard me talk about The Meat. I know I definitely can't express in just a tiny paragraph how important he has been in my life over the past two years, and how much of an effect he has had on the person who I am today and the person who I'll be in ten and twenty years. He's absolutely amazing in so so many ways, and he is in the very tip-top category of people in my life. I am so so so so so incredibly blessed to have him in my life and to have his close friendship and caring.

Microwaves - I'm grateful for the ease and quickness of microwaves. They definitely save time, and for many things it's much easier than having to use a stove or oven just to heat something up.

Music - I'm so incredibly grateful for music, for the extreme variety of music and for the endless number of songs in each variety. Music can affect my mood SO much, and it can be so powerful, and so beautiful, and so intense. I love it. I love everything about it.

Mandolin - I'm grateful for the beautiful sound of the mandolin. I don't hear it often, but I love it when I do! It has a magical quality!

Manners - I'm very grateful for manners. I'm grateful that there are certain manners which are The Norm, and I'm so grateful when I come into contact with people who have good manners. For example, when someone holds the door open for me or even, after walking through a door, keeps the door open for me coming behind, it makes me happy! Such a little tiny gesture by a stranger just has that effect - it's acknowledging another person and their value, it's being kind, it's being a caring human being - and that all makes me happy! And I'm grateful that my parents taught me good manners.

Maps - I'm grateful for maps, because it's nice to know where you're going and have a bit of a plan, and to see where you've been. And it's also just kind of fun to look at maps sometimes!

Markets - you never know what little treasure you might find at a market! That's why I like them! And also, there are just so many things to see!

Massages - I've had two professional massages in my life and loved them both! The most recent one was a two-hour wonderful massage that was a Christmas present from Mr. H! And I have to say that I enjoy a massage by someone I know even more than I enjoy the professional ones. There's definitely extra nerves that fire when I know the hands that are touching me. Even if it's just a quick two-minute neck and shoulder massage, it's like being in absolute heaven for those two minutes and has SUCH an effect on my whole mood and happiness, just to feel those loving hands on me giving me such pleasure and doing it out of love. [Mr. H - this is a hint! I LOVE when you give me little massages!!! They make me so happy!!! :) ]

My Mattress - oh how I love my mattress!!! It's soooooooo incredibly comfortable and I just completely adore it!!!!! I consciously think about my gratitude for that mattress so often when I'm laying there in bliss just before falling asleep!

Maturity - I'm so grateful for my own maturity, and for the maturity of others who I love. And I know I'll continue to grow and mature even more, and I'll welcome it all.

Meadows - I love this word! I can't even think of the last time I was in an actual meadow, but when I even hear the word I get such a mental vision and overall feeling of freedom and happiness and joy and beauty in my mind - I picture such a beautiful field of wild grass and wildflowers, and blue skies and sunshine overhead shining down and sparkling off my hair, and I picture myself in a lightweight white romantic sundress feeling free and running through it all! I just love this word and all that it conjures up in my head! And it means even more to me now because Mr. H mentioned that word once and we looked at pictures of beautiful meadows near his city, in the context of a possible place for a second wedding! :)

Member - This word makes me horny and also makes me laugh at the same time!

Memory - I'm so grateful for my memory. I know I don't have a great memory for details or some long-term things, but I'm grateful for the memory I do have. And I'm also grateful for my wonderful short-term memory and ability to remember numbers and certain kinds of information, because it really helped me when I was a student for all those years!

Metabolism - I'm grateful for my metabolism and for the fact that it's at least not really slow and is probably kind of fast, maybe. Well, if I ate a ton I'd probably see that it wasn't all that fast, but it works for me right now!

Metal detectors - I'm very grateful for the invention of metal detectors, and for their widespread use - they help to keep me and everyone who I love safe when we fly or go into certain buildings, and that makes me worry less - all good things!

Michigan - I was born in Michigan and lived there until I was 18, and my parents still live there. I'm grateful for the beauty of the state, especially all the hundreds of little lakes, the hilliness as you get further north, all the lush trees, and having the beaches and sunsets of Lake Michigan so close.

Mornings - I'm not really a morning person, as we all know. However, whenever I do get up early and I'm outside early in the morning, I feel so alive!!! There is just something about early morning air, the smell of it, the feel of it - oh especially in the spring and summer! And even when I'm not outside, when I wake up in the morning and open my blinds and see the sun coming up and see some blue sky, I feel so wonderfully alive, it's so amazing and fabulous!!!

Miracles - I believe in them, and I believe they happen every day and all around us. I think most miracles aren't even noticed. I'm so grateful for every miracle that has touched my life even in some remote way.

Mobility - I'm so grateful for being able to get around easily - for having two legs to walk with and healthy feet and knees and ankles. And I'm so grateful for public transportation that takes me just about anywhere I need to go.

Muscles - I'm so grateful for my muscles that let me walk and stretch and lift things and climb stairs and do just about anything. And they help me look good, too!

Money - I'm grateful for money in that it allows me to buy food and live in a wonderful apartment and clothe myself in nice things, and it allows me to get and do many things that make my life easier and more enjoyable. It's a hard balance as well, because I don't want to want too much, and I want to keep my life relatively simple, but today is a day to be grateful so I'm not going to continue analyzing the potential bad things and just be grateful for having enough money to live a good life.

Mountains - I love nature and I love being reminded of how amazing our world is, how beautiful, how diverse - and mountains are one of those natural things that I can't help but be in awe of.

My Mouth - it lets me talk, lets me eat, lets me suck, helps me smile, and is filled with wonderful taste buds and many handy nerves.

Movies - I'm very grateful for the entertainment of movies, and for certain movies which can be so powerful and really touch me, really stay with me, and/or really make me think.

Myths and Mythology - I'm grateful for these wonderful stories and the Magic and Mystical nature of Myths! I've always been intrigued by Greek/Roman mythology, and when I hear myths from other cultures and areas of the world, I find them to be equally as intriguing. I love the stories themselves and I love the fact that so many of them have lessons and teachings in them, and I love that way back when, those stories were used to teach people how to act and live. It's all just wonderful and so fun and so interesting!

Late Musical Monday and Gratitude Tuesday

2007-01-30T08:45:00.000-06:00

[I got about halfway finished with my Gratitude Tuesday 'M' words last night - then I woke up late this morning so I'm going to post the Late Musical Monday part now, and later this afternoon I'll post the Gratitude Tuesday part!]

On Sunday afternoon I was feeling such cabin-fever, such frustration with myself, such kind of loneliness, and just that "ehhnn" feeling. I had a brief cry and then had a little talk with myself and told myself that I could sit on the couch and feel awful or I could get up and start doing something. So I got up - yay me!!! And I spent the next four or five hours actually really doing things - lots of cleaning and laundry and going through stuff and even going through my closet and throwing out clothes I haven't worn in the past 6 months! (Sidenote: I did start the cleaning on Friday but obviously didn't finish.) So my place looks wonderful now (except for the dishes that I still need to do and two more loads of laundry cause I ran out of quarters), and I felt SO wonderful all during cleaning and afterward, and I even felt good today still! I love that feeling!!

While I was cleaning for those five hours, I kept playing the same album over and over again because I'm just a dork like that sometimes and keep listening to the same thing. The album I was playing was Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park. I bought the album back when it came out because I heard a couple of the songs and just completely loved them - because I love that wild, rebellious and angst-filled music sometimes - it's SO energizing!!! I don't really go searching for that kind of music which is why I still just have this one album and no comparable albums by any other groups. But I love and adore this kind of music sometimes and it so inspires and invigorates me!! And I love this whole album and can obviously listen to it ten times in a row quite happily! :)

I'm posting two songs, first Crawling - which was the song that made me buy the album way back when (it spoke to me!), and second Runaway - just because I wanted to post two songs and I couldn't decide on a second because I like them all, so I finally just picked this one.

Linkin Park :: Crawling

Linkin Park :: Runaway

*********

Crawling

[Chorus:]
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside of me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control
I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem

[Pre-chorus:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence,)
(I'm convinced that there's just)
(Too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

[Chorus]

Discomfort endlessly
Has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting
How I can't seem...

[Pre-chorus]

[Chorus x2]

Pictures of my babies!

2007-01-26T13:32:00.000-06:00

Just after Christmas, Mr. H bought himself the same digital SLR camera as I have, which I love because now we can teach each other things about the camera that we know and/or learn. The other day he was reading in a photography book about taking pictures with flash and about bouncing the light off the ceiling instead of the flash going directly at the subject, and he experimented with just holding a soft CD case at an angle in front of the flash and his pictures taken like that of his dogs came out amazingly well!!!

So I told Emmalove that she was going to be my little model and she posed so cutely and perfectly and expertly for me! And I love how they turned out - crisp because I'm using flash, but without the way-too-bright look of flash and bright yellow kitten eyes that the flash normally gives. I'm so excited by this wonderful do-it-yourself discovery that Mr. H made, so I can take wonderful pictures of my babies even without getting an external flash that can rotate (which I still do want to get sometime though).

I think this picture was from yesterday morning - I was getting ready and saw little James sleeping with his head on my pillow, and I just LOVE when I see him sleeping that way, like a little person, he's so cute! So I ran to get my camera and used the reflected flash and it turned out pretty good - at least so you can see my sweet little baby in good light and not blurred from no flash or overpowered with bright flash!

And then one more - this isn't a great picture but my babies don't usually cuddle together when they sleep so seeing Emmalove cuddled against James here makes my heart just constrict with love for my babies and how cute and sweet they are!!! Little Emmalove is just now learning to come up on the couch with us, so hopefully I'll be able to get more cuddly sleeping pictures in the future as well. And the blanket - my little cousins made it for me maybe three years ago and it's the blanket that I sit under all the time on my couch because it's James's favorite - very knead-worthy! :)

I need to clean my apartment. Desperately. It's so cluttered and so dirty and so needs a complete cleaning from top to bottom. That's my goal for today and tonight. And I say "today" because I'm at home instead of at work. I got my period yesterday and the cramps weren't bad at all, but then this morning I just couldn't wake up and was so exhausted and slept until noon - when James woke me up by pawing my face and biting my hair and pulling on it - he seriously cracks me up! And now I'm waiting for Tylenol to take effect so the the cramps go away and I can start cleaning while it's light and sunny and beautiful outside. I always feel SO SO SO good when my place is clean and tidy and looking beautiful - it seriously makes me feel that my life is in some kind of order and that I can do anything then. I feel empowered when it's clean and straightened. I need to get better with cleaning more regularly and not just when it gets really bad. I should make a little chart and set certain chores for each day. But then there's that big problem with me having no self-discipline. I know that's the biggest current thing I need to work on - discipline with almost everything in my life.

I think I'll make the chore schedule and try to hold myself to it. It would just be one thing each day so that's very doable, and much easier than having to clean the whole place at a time! One day will be cleaning the bathroom, that's easy. One day will be swiffering the whole apartment - that's easy too, and then there won't be little litter pieces scattered all around everywhere. One day I'll vacuum the area rug in my living room and do my best to de-cat-hair the couch and chair - that's easy and won't take too much time.

Then there are the three things I'm the worst at: doing laundry (because I have to get organized and take it downstairs), doing my dishes (because I don't have a dishwasher and never want to start the dishes even though once I do start I don't mind it at all and actually enjoy listening to music and getting in a zone and thinking about all kinds of things while I'm cleaning), and straightening up after myself each night (so the coffee table doesn't end up being loaded with crap after a few days, like it is now). Those three things are what is the hardest for me. But maybe if I stick to the other chores, then straightening up and doing dishes every couple days won't seem like such big thing anymore. And even though I'm lazy when I get home from work, and it's dark and I'm tired and I just want to sit on the couch and do my stuff - I just need to Do It. As The Meat always tells me, a little saying that some bigwig had when he was in the Army: "Do It Now. Do It Right Now. Do It Right Now This Minute." In other words, if I procrastinate and find excuses then I'll never do it, and I'll end up again so frustrated because I live in a pigsty. And I don't like living like that. And I really want to get better disciplined before Mr. H and I are living together so I already have developed good habits!

So - I just took a third Tylenol, and I'll give it twenty minutes and then I'll start my cleaning and play happy music and once I get into it then I don't stop because I love the transformation of each room becoming clean and beautiful!!! And then I'll be so happy and can work on Mr. H's website to my heart's content this weekend and not feel guilty and gross because my place is a pigsty!!! :) So that's my plan!!!

My wonderful hero!!! :)

2007-01-24T14:15:00.000-06:00

[I wrote this last night and just now was able to read it over and I think I did a better job than I thought last night at explaining it all. Of course this is still just such a quick little summary and I think the reason I felt I wasn't explaining it as well is just because I want to talk about ALL the wonderful things that Mr. H says and ALL the wonderful and perfect things about him, so just saying a few of them seems so incomplete and insufficient to me! And yes I know I'm gushing all the time but if you knew him, you'd know why!!!]

It's 11:46 p.m. and I need to go to sleep, but first I'm going to write just a tiny bit because it's on my yet-to-be-written-out list of things to do to try to write just a bit every day - and yay me, that's what I'm doing!!!

I just finished a little bit of playtime because I did a little upper-body strip show for Mr. H on the webcam tonight and then we started talking about some quite hot things and so a little play was in order! We also talked about some other things that made me feel good - earlier today at work The Meat, Freckles and I were talking about how couples fight and how some couples fight all the time because both want to always have control and also always think they're right. The Meat was telling us in so many words that about 80% of things aren't worth fighting or even talking about, and it's how a couple deals with the important 20% that should matter.

I really don't have any big worries about Mr. H and I fighting or fighting badly, for a number of reasons. And both of us consciously try to remember that the 80% isn't worth being bothered about, so I don't worry about either of us being nit-pickers. And whenever we do have a bigger issue that's part of the 20%, I think we'll handle it in a good way. It won't be easy and I don't like conflict so it's not something I'm looking forward to of course, but I also know that of course there will be big disagreements now and then throughout a marriage and because the conversation from work was on my mind, I just wanted to talk about it all again with Mr. H, and talk about how we'll handle it and okay yes I wanted to hear him reassure me again because I was/am hormonal.

And he just makes me feel so good when we have these talks. We're so alike in seeing a relationship as a partnership and knowing that compromise and respect goes along with that. He said that if there's ever an issue where we both disagreed too much to reach a compromise, we would have to maybe use a third party to help us work towards a compromise. But he doesn't really foresee that happening because we're both intelligent and level-headed (he is, and I am except for being emotional - crying etc.) and also because we have such respect for each other. For example, he pointed out that he knows how sensitive I am and how emotional I can get, and he also knows what can trigger me getting emotional, and if I get to that point where I'm so emotional in a discussion then it doesn't help either of us in getting to the heart of the issue and working through it and coming to a decision/compromise - so he would never be the kind of person to push those buttons. And he really never ever would be.

I know I'm doing a terribly shitty job of explaining this and in explaining our conversation in general. And I know I should I just save this as a draft and go over it tomorrow morning when I'm maybe able to think and write a little better. I think I will do that actually, cause I don't want this to come out sounding wrong or bad. But my whole point of starting to talk about this was to say that Mr. H just makes me feel so GOOD, so good about everything - and always makes me feel that way. And knowing how in tune he is with me and how I think and react, and also knowing how reasonable he is and how level-headed and that he doesn't get angry or fight in the classic couple-fighting sense - well it all just makes me feel so wonderful and also feel so incredibly, outrageously lucky to have found Mr. H. I know absolutely that he will always take my feelings into consideration and that he will always respect me and treat me well. And with him I don't have to worry about becoming like my parents where they argue about so many little pointless things, and point out the wrong way the other is doing things, or try to explain a better way - and it all is just so pointless, all the stress and all the arguing and all the fighting that they do. It's all over little nothings! I try to remind them of that whenever I'm home and witness this.

Mr. H really is an unusual guy - and oh my gosh I just realized, he's sort of like the heroes in all my old romance novels!!! He's actually totally like them! Or at least like the heroes that my two favorite romance authors wrote about! Oh I'm gonna have to think about this more now! And yes I know, any guys who are actually still reading this are now gagging but I don't care. My mother would find this little epiphany of mine to be VERY INTERESTING but I'll of course never tell her that. And I'll have to write about why she'd be so intrigued some other time - but it has to do with an email she wrote me maybe four months ago. Oh I'm still completely amazed though at my little realization!!! Mr. H is so like the romance heroes that I used to dream of!!! :)

Okay that's enough for tonight - I've written for much longer than I wanted to write and now it's past my bedtime. I feel happy though - which is so good considering the fact that I have a lot of extra hormones running through me so I really feel like I'm walking along a slim little path right now and I'm okay steady but I know there's the potential of slipping on just one little stone and I'll suddenly be weeping. I know some people (especially the females!) will understand that little analogy. So my Mr. H made me feel wonderful, we talked about a lot of other things as well, we shared some such fun sex talk and fantasies, and then when we were just about to get off, he even showed another wonderful thing in recognizing my sudden brief drop in mood because I miss him, and he reminded me of what we have together and how amazing it is, and that our time apart will be so little in the big scheme of our wonderful life together!

And now I'm going to save this and reread it in the morning before I actually post it!

Oh - and I'll post this, too, because I liked it! Over the weekend when I wanted a break from the coding, I followed a link from CeeCi's blog to a fun little quiz site and took a few of their little quizzes. This one was my favorite!

Which Warrior Angel Are You and Whose Side Are You On?

Light Bearer; Class: Cherub; Alliance: LightYou are blessed with a heart of gold. You are a kind, sweet, gentle person who believes very strongly in doing the right thing. You tend to be very emotional and very sensitive to other people's feelings. You are so gentle that you would not be suited to an active role in the fight, but more of a passive one. You would be a Light Bearer. As a Light Bearer, you would be a source of inspiration to others. A reminder of what they were fighting for.Your Angelic Name: Alida (means "little winged one")
Take this quiz!

I loved that! And I like that name "Alida"! And of course, it fits me pretty well, too! Except for my secret hidden bit of a dark side! :)

Starting where I left off: Gratitude Tuesday - the L's!!!

2007-01-23T00:01:00.000-06:00

I've wanted to start writing again but just haven't. It's been almost too daunting sometimes since I'm 1) out of practice and 2) worry that I have too much catching up to do since I've been so silent on here for so long. So, I'm going to address Worry #1 by jumping back into it - today with Gratitude Tuesday, and I'm starting with the Letter L, which is where I left off way back when.

And after this, addressing both Worry #1 and Worry #2, I'm just going to commit myself to write something most days but no big long backstory if I don't feel like it, and it doesn't have to be long either (I have usually ended up writing a lot when I meant to keep it short but I probably will usually keep it shorter now cause I don't have as much time anymore to spend two or more hours writing and then rereading and then checking again and then posting).

This past weekend I also jumped back into Web Design and I sat in front of my computer the entire weekend, working on Mr. H's website and reading articles and tips on mostly CSS, and searching for certain specific things or questions, and trying to figure out why the homepage completely won't work right on Internet Explorer and discovering that web designers all view IE as the complete asshole of browsers (at least it wasn't just me), and then reading up a little on possible ways to address the IE situation but not finding exactly what I needed so I need to keep searching a little more. It was all so fun even when I was frustrated! And when I got too frustrated I just dropped the homepage IE issue and worked on another page instead and until I find the answer I'm not going to stress anymore. It was a good weekend though! I loved getting back into this stuff! And I've been reading my book on HTML and CSS as well cause I'm trying to get the foundation from the very beginning even while I'm also trying to do the real thing. Oh and on Sunday night I spent forever browsing beautiful CSS website designs and marveling at the things some professional web designers and graphic artists are able to do!

Okay, well now it's my bedtime. I'm also trying to learn to get up by myself now in the mornings. Mostly so I can take that bit of control away from my mom. She's being very supportive and being a very good cheerleader for my efforts right now, so that makes me happy. But two weeks ago she was an incredible crazy woman/controlling mother so I'm trying to ween us from that control part of the relationship right now.

Okay, well here it is now: a wonderful List of things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter 'L':

LOVE - Love is the most important thing in the world to me - loving myself, loving life, loving people, loving things, loving animals, loving seasons, loving smells, loving hope for the future. I love love! Three months ago today I loved life, I found beauty in many days, I had ups and downs, I dreamed of certain things sometimes and tried not to let myself get too down, I had some truly wonderful friends. Three months ago from tomorrow, I first met Mr. H in person and my whole life changed in the most amazing ways. I still love life, I still find beauty in many days, I still have ups and downs, I still dream and still try to not let my emotions get out of control when my hormones or brain chemistry is out of control, I still have some truly wonderful friends. But yet now, everything is different, and everything is brighter in a more peaceful way. I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm with who I'm meant to be with, I feel such strong love from Mr. H and I feel such strong love for him. We're in this life together now and are no longer just on our own. His love gives me this incredible sense of freedom, it gives me a feeling of confidence and I love knowing that I'm always on his mind as he is on mine. I think so joyously of a few months down the road, of a year down the road, of five years down the road, of twenty-five years down the road. And I also think so joyously of waking up tomorrow morning thinking of him, of talking to him tomorrow maybe during the day and definitely in the evening, of seeing his smile on the webcam, and of the little moments of love and the little efforts we make. Finding love with Mr. H hasn't changed me inside, and hasn't changed the world outside, but yet it has changed so much and given me such a gift and lit such an extra light in my life, and I feel fulfilled and full of hope and full of joy and full of peace and full of light - and that feeling is with me always now, at every moment, because it's part of me now. I'm so grateful every day for the love Mr. H and I have found together, and I'm so grateful for Mr. H and the truly amazing and incredible person who he is, and I'm so so so grateful for everything about our situation, everything about our future, and just so so so so so so much! (I could go on and on now with this paragraph but I need to move on to all the other things I'm grateful for as well!)

LIFE and LIVING - I absolutely love and adore life, I love and adore living and feeling alive and experiencing the good, the bad, the sad, the incredible, the exciting, the terrible. I love the ups and I love the downs because they make the ups and the middles that much better. I am so grateful to be alive. I'm so grateful to be alive now. I'm so grateful for my life thus far. And I don't want to forget how precious life is, how easy it can be taken away, as Anu was. I want to feel grateful every day for this amazing place, the amazing people who I share it with, and for all the tiny experiences and interactions and feelings and sights and sounds and tastes and touches that make life and truly living life so wonderful and amazing and fabulous and incredible and enchanting!

LAUGHTER - Laughter is one of those amazing things that I love about being alive. Laughter is such a freeing feeling, it's a Lightness (see below), it's often a connection to others who are also truly living and loving. And sometimes it's a release, sometimes it's a fun break, and sometimes it just gets inside you and you have an almost tickle throughout your whole body that's just dying to escape and you can barely keep it in. I love it all!

Lakes - I'm so grateful for lakes, so even when we live in the middle of the continent, we can still fully enjoy the beauty of water. I grew up in Michigan so there were always lakes around, and I loved when we had a speedboat for a couple years and although we didn't have it docked anywhere, we'd take it to different lakes on the weekends and get to speed all around the lakes. Oh GOSH I just LOVE that feeling of going so fast over water! And now, living in Chicago, I love the amazing lake - Lake Michigan - that we have right here. I love the views from work, the fact that we can walk to it to go fishing during the warm months, I love walking by it, I love seeing it change colors with the sky and light. Having the lake so close definitely makes me happy, and I'm so grateful to be able to live so close to such amazing beauty and power.

Light and Lights and Lightbulbs - I'm so grateful for all kinds of light, both natural and artificial. I'm so grateful for the invention of lightbulbs so I can be surrounded by light right now instead of by a couple little candles. I'm so grateful for the Christmas lights that are mostly gone now but that make the season so much more festive and beautiful. I'm so grateful for all light because it makes life so so so much better. And I love the beauty of light as well - the shadows that it can cast, the glow it can give, the moods it can affect - it can be a very powerful element. And so affects photography as well!

Language - Oh I wish I was naturally better at learning languages. I'm still so filled with amazement sometimes when I think of just how many languages there are in the world! And I so wish I could speak more than one. I loved learning Spanish in high school. And I tried learning some French during law school but it was so hard with no one to practice with outside of class, and with classes so infrequent near the end. And then I tried learning German a couple years ago and I liked it but alcohol got in the way. I'm thinking of going back to Spanish. I'd love for my children to grow up with another language so their little brains can soak it up when they are like little sponges. I'd love for them to start out life being bilingual already. So it would help if I start learning Spanish again. But right now I have more important things so that'll have to come later. I'm so grateful though for all the beautiful and different languages of the world!

Laws - well, I don't love the law, and I don't love being a lawyer. But I'm still so grateful for all the laws which allow us to live in a safe and free society. And I'm also grateful that those laws give me a job!

Lavender - okay, I don't love the scent of lavender, and I don't love the color lavender either. But I do appreciate it and I also appreciate it's calming and relaxing scent. A few years ago I got a couple books on essential oils and bought a bunch of oils as well. And now and then I'd make myself some home-remedy using my essential oils. But usually I just take them out now and then and remind myself of the importance of scents and how they can really affect my mood. I'll open first one vial and close my eyes and breathe it in and feel myself feeling a certain way in response to that scent. Then I'll go through and do the same with all the others. It's amazing, really, how much the scents can affect me mentally and physically. Going back to Lavender, I also just LOVE seeing pictures of the lavender fields in France. Someday I really really really want to go to France when the lavender fields are in bloom, and I want to walk through them for a whole day and just feel myself there, feel myself alive and at peace, and feel my hand in Mr. H's hand as we experience those feelings together. (And of course, we'll have to take a few hundred photos as well!)

Lazy days - oh I just LOVE lazy days, and I am SO grateful that I can have them often. Sometimes I think - if I lived a hundred years ago there would be no time to be lazy, no opportunity to be lazy, no days full of total free time. I'm so incredibly grateful for these wonderful days to relax and recharge!

Leaves - I'm so grateful for the beauty and variety and magic of leaves. I love how they change colors in the fall, I love how they bud in the spring, I love how they're bright and shiny in the summer. And I especially love how they look when the sun is hitting them in certain ways, it's almost like magic! That's true natural beauty that renews itself every year, and beauty that has been available to every single human who has ever lived on the earth - how amazing is that!

Leases - I'm so grateful for the ability to be able to rent a place to live and to know that it's (almost) all mine for a certain period of time.

Legs - Oh I'm so so so grateful for my healthy legs and the ability to walk and run and stretch and kneel and do anything and everything with them. I have a reoccurring occasional nightmare where I'm trying to walk somewhere - usually just down a street - but one of my legs won't work and I have to kind of drag it behind me. It's a terrifying dream and I always wake scared that maybe my brain knows something that I don't know yet - that I have some terribly illness in my genes and that one day my legs actually won't work and I'll have to drag myself around. I'm just so grateful for having them now and having them healthy. I also think of people confined to wheelchairs as a method of getting around and how they would probably give so much just to be able to use their legs again. Not having the use of my legs would probably change my life and whole world more than most anything I could think of.

Lemons - I sometimes like to suck on lemon wedges from my plate after a meal, I like the sourness and it makes my mouth feel so clean and new. And I like to put a bit of lemon juice in my water now and then. And I like the fresh clean scent of lemons. And also - lemons are such a pretty, happy-looking color!

Lenses - I'm so so so grateful for my camera which makes me so happy and gives me such joy, and I'm so so so grateful for the wonderful lenses I have for it, which help me to take such beautiful and enchanting photos! And I'm also grateful for the lenses in my reading glasses which make the words a little clearer and easier to read.

Lions - well first of all I love cats, and I'm fascinated by all big cats. And I'm also a leo - aka a lioness! And while I may consider tigers to be the most beautiful and awe-inspiring of all the big cats, if I had to be a big cat (as opposed to a wonderfully-loved housecat which I would of course choose over being a cat in the wild), I would be a lion - because I love that they aren't solitary and instead have the whole pride, the whole family, there for support and help and cleaning and cuddling.

Learning - I love learning new things, I love learning interesting little things, I love learning little tidbits of information, and I'm so grateful that there's an infinite amount of stuff out there to learn, and I'm grateful that a lot of it interests me. And I'm also grateful for my ability to always learn new things and to learn to understand and see the world in new ways.

Liberal arts - literature, philosophy, languages, history, etc - these are all wonderful things to learn more about, so I'm so grateful for all the knowledge out there!

Liberty - "sum of rights and exemptions possessed in common by the people of a community, state, etc. - syn: freedom to choose, freedom from constraint or compulsion" - I'm so so so so so grateful for my freedom to choose absolutely anything for myself - when I really think about it, it makes me so incredibly grateful to be living right now and at this time. Especially as a woman, there really is no better time than the present to be alive. I can't believe how blessed and lucky we all are.

Licenses - I'm grateful that certain things are protected so not anyone can do/practice/perform it, and so I am in turn protected from potential harm.

Licking - mmmmmm!

Lightness - "the state of being light, not heavy; mildness, nimbleness, delicacy, cheerfulness, lack of seriousness, etc." I'm so grateful for this feeling. I love the feeling of lightness!! I love even how the word itself makes me feel light!!!

Lilacs - I just love love love love love the smell of lilacs in the spring!!! Oh my gosh, they smell just so amazingly beautiful, when I'm walking by them I try to breathe in as much of the beautiful scent as possible! Their smell is so strong, so intriguing, so exotic, so enchanting, so absolutely incredibly perfect! I'm looking forward to spring now so I can smell them again!

Lips - I'm so grateful for my own lips and all the wonderful sensations I can feel with them, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of lips as well, and I'm also so grateful for Mr. H's wonderful lips - especially his bottom lip which is so wonderfully soft and just absolutely perfect!

Lists! - oh how I love lists! I love making lists so I can organize stuff in my mind, and I especially love crossing things off of my lists - I feel so so so good doing so! I've kind of fallen out of practice with lists over the past probably six months and I need to get back into it - it really helps to have all the stuff written out that I want to do, and even if I don't do it all I'm sure I accomplish much more than when I don't have a list in the first place. I think it also helps get it all out of my head and keeps me from getting that overwhelmed feeling. Tomorrow I'll start writing a list!

Litter boxes - I'm very grateful for the litter boxes and litter that I have for my babies. I'm grateful first because they can go potty in my apartment but not stink it all up, and I'm grateful that I don't have to take them outside, and I'm grateful that it's easy to clean.

Liver - I'm very grateful for my healthy liver! Right when I stopped drinking I had my doctor test my liver (through a blood test) and it was still healthy despite all the drinking I'd done, and I was so happy for that. And now it's a VERY healthy liver and I love that! I'm so grateful that I didn't do any real lasting damage to it during all those years.

Loans - well, it's not as if I like owing money to people/places, but I'm so grateful for the ability to borrow money to do things or get things, and I'm so grateful too for family and friends who have loaned me money to help me get out of my debt.

Lubrication - mmmmmmmmmmm! I love my female lubrication! And I love the lubrication from a bottle as well for whenever I need a little extra!

Lungs - I'm kind of freaked out about lung cancer - well I'm freaked out about all cancer but the fact that lung cancer can start even in young people and people who don't smoke freaks me out. And the fact that there aren't many easily-recognizeable warning signs until it's more advanced freaks me out. I so wish I could have a full-body X-ray right now! Just to make sure there's nothing growing anywhere that shouldn't be there! But back to being grateful though - I'm very grateful for my (hopefully!) very healthy lungs, and for my ability to breathe relatively normally (I sometimes need to take extra deep breaths cause I feel like I'm not getting air all the way into the bottom of my lungs. But I've had so many doctors listen and say it all sounds perfect so I really think it's a psychological thing).

Lust - I'm so grateful for the fabulous feeling of lust - it makes me feel so alive and so hungry and wonderful! And oh that makes me think of so many wonderful fantasies now - one of which Mr. H and I have already tried for the first of hundreds of times, and many that we still have to play with! :-)

To see who else is playing, visit CeeCi!

Hormonal Days Suck

2007-01-09T23:59:00.000-06:00

I've had a seriously hormonal day today. I haven't had one this bad in awhile I don't think. I feel so exhausted but I've tried falling asleep on my couch and can't and I keep getting hot and then cold but I don't have a temperature. I went through a period of terrible self-frustration this afternoon and spent half an hour locked in the bathroom crying after The Meat teased me about getting to work to late and I burst into tears in front of everyone. Then I was leaving early after I finally emerged from the bathroom, at 4:30, but I worried that if I didn't at least call The Meat he'd feel awful all night and when I called him and he apologized that caused me to start crying again because he had nothing to apologize for because I really do always get into work so late and why the fuck do I do that?! What the fuck is my problem with falling back asleep and then moving so slowly in the mornings?

Anyway though, he ordered me in his very authoritative way to go to his office and he talked to me for an hour and was completely wonderful and first gave me the biggest talk about how wonderful I am and listed all the reasons why over and over again - I was crying the whole time. He told me that no one is perfect and I'd be boring if I was perfect but my flaws are tiny compared to who I am and on and on and on. His message started getting through eventually. He also reminded me of what I already know, that my huge low of today is either hormonal or brain chemistry or both, and he's starting to even recognize my pattern of having one or two of these terribly low days every month or few weeks, where I get so angry with myself and can only focus on all my lacks and all I don't accomplish and all my failures. He suffers from depression so he knows the feeling well and told me to just breath and ride it out and I'll come out on the other side and return to normal.

Then I also talked to him about such a pointless worry of mine since late last night and even though I know it's ridiculous and not something to bother my mind with in the least, in my low of today it had just been there and eating at me and it was terrible. And even more frustrating because I KNOW it's not something to spend my time worrying about but I couldn't get it out of my head. The Meat told me just what Mr. Hands had told me earlier, and he also reminded me of all the reasons to NOT be worrying about such a pointless thing that doesn't matter in the least because it's all in the past anyway and the present and future is what's so wonderful and such a miracle. And he worked to set me straight in that area as well - well yes I was still crying during that as well but I couldn't help it and I was still feeling better even as I was crying.

Now I have a headache that's just come on. I took two tylenol about two hours ago cause I have a terrible cramping right now in one of my ovaries, or at least in that region. But the tylenol hasn't even hit that pain and now the headache is here even above and beyond the tylenol in my system. And I can't sleep, I can't cry because I'm all cried out, I feel like I have cabin fever in a terrible way. I'm such a mess and it really really really sucks! Especially because I know there's nothing I can do other than just ride it out like The Meat said. If I could fall asleep at least I wouldn't have to be conscious during it.

I started working on Mr. Hand's website tonight and I managed to get the bare basics done before I couldn't concentrate/eyes too tired/me too mentally exhausted to do anything more. So I'm happy at least that I finally took the first step there. Speaking of which, The Meat told me not to beat myself up for all the stuff I'm not doing like becoming the expert web designer and having the most beautifully clean house etc. because as he said, all those things take...time. And he asked me what my number one priority is, and I said it's my relationship with Mr. H. And he said, "that takes time, too, and so you're giving your time to what's the most important to you and the dishes can wait." The Meat is so wise and smart and logical. He always puts things in the perfect way and manages to bring me back to earth in a sense.

Then I also started crying again because the Swedish Meatball had a wonderful interview today and is set to get a job and I'm so happy for both him and for Freckles. But whenever anyone talks about interviewing or jobs or anything like that I always always always feel stress because while I don't want to leave my job and I don't know what I want to do yet, I still sometimes feel like a loser for being there for so long. The Meat responded to that by saying, "you're here because you're meant to be here right now." And then he reminded me about the wonderful family I have there, about how everyone there loves me so much, about how I'm exploring other things to do, and he just kept emphasizing that I'm there because that's where I need to be right now.

He's always telling me, well for the past year, and even more often in the past few months, that I'm almost the butterfly ready to fly, that I'm like the sculpture breaking free of the mound of stone - he's very poetic like that - and he tells me good things are coming my way, great things are happening. And he's right, I feel it. He also told me that he sees a light inside me and told me not to let these dark times hide my light and not forget it's there, and he said not many people have such a light inside them. I love when he's in one of those moods to tell me things like that! We also talked a lot about my relationship with Mr. H and how that's one of the great things happening, and The Meat was saying to love it, to appreciate every moment because it's the best thing in life. He talked about how there is such a sweetness and (he couldn't find the word and struggled to find the perfect word for awhile) to Mr. H and I and what we have, and that was so sweet to hear as well. I of course knew that he liked Mr. H after his two-hour interrogation of him, but he said it again today, that he "really likes Mr. H".

I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'll take another tylenol and close my eyes and think wonderful thoughts about Mr. H and I, and hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep and wake tomorrow to some drastically different hormonal levels. Oh - and last night I had started reading this little book called The Dragon-Slayer with a Heavy Heart - and the prescription given to the dragon-slayer for his heavy heart is Serenity. He's just about to start on the path and journey to find Serenity now, but I like that. And this morning the word of the day on my daily calendar was Serenity, and the little quote was about how what's inside you matters more than what is outside. I'll repeat that word to myself when I'm falling sleep cause it kind of relaxes me, just hearing the word. Kind of like the word Harmony does. And Peace. And Breathe (or Breath?). It's amazing how just saying certain words to myself can have such a physical reaction on my breathing and I almost feel my muscles relax and my whole self relax.

I'll be better tomorrow, I will! All of The Meat's logical words and wonderful words will hopefully resonate around in my head, and all of Mr. H's wonderful words from tonight and from every day since we first met in person will hopefully bounce around in my head to make me wake with the joy that I usually am feeling every day.

I know this post sucks, it's so unorganized and stream-of-conscious and probably pretty messy and all. BUT, I feel much more relaxed now at the end of it than I did when I first started writing and that's the most important thing. My headache is still here like a MoFo, but hopefully just closing my eyes for a bit will help. That and tylenol.

And I love you, my Incredibly Wonderful! :)

Finally, a post about lovely Anu

2007-01-07T21:51:00.000-06:00

For Anu, I thought of this song:

Seasons of Love :: Rent Soundtrack (lyrics at the end of the post - they're wonderful lyrics, I think she would really love them)

I've been MIA for a very long time, by far the longest since I started blogging. So I'll first explain my absence.

My last post was on December 18 and on the 19th I found out from WDKY and e.e. that our wonderful, amazing, too-incredible-to-describe-with-simple-adjectives friend Anu had died in a car crash on December 10. I can't tell you how devastated I was. It was so unfair to me that after all she had been through, she could be taken from this world in something as ordinary as a car accident. And I couldn't believe that she wasn't here any longer. And I couldn't stop thinking of all she was, all she was living for and how far she had come in just the past few months - and she was such an inspiration for me and brought me such smiles. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever known, and I had never even met her (as she lived in India).

I couldn't stop crying on that first day. And I cried the next day, and also the next day - although by then I was able to control it and not cry at work but only at home. I thought of her all the time, and I wanted to write a very long post that would do some bit of justice to the amazing person she was, that would illustrate a bit of her amazing spirit and positivity and fairytale charm. And I also stayed away from everyone else's blogs because 1) Anu's death just affected me so deeply and I needed to mourn her, and 2) I had this self-imposed rule that until I could write about Anu, I couldn't post about anything else or visit anyone else's blog.

So anyway, it was also so close to Christmas and my dad was driving to Chicago on the 22nd to pick up myself and James and Emma and take us back to Michigan, so I was so busy every night and even during lunches with trying to do last-minute things and get packed and also get fully ready for Christmas, so I went to bed late every night even without sitting down to write. Oh but actually on the first two nights after I heard, I just sat and reread all of my emails with Anu, and reread so many of my favorite posts of hers - but even though I had stuff in my head to say about her, I couldn't yet write it out.

Then it was the 22nd and my dad got us, and we were home in Michigan until the 27th. And my brother and sister-in-law were home most of that time, too, so I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And then on the 29th after work, I flew to visit Mr. Hands and didn't get back until the evening of January 4th. So - all that is why I haven't written - because I had to deal with Anu's death, because I wanted to write about her in such a beautiful and perfect way and the task just built up more and more in my mind until nothing I wrote could do adequate justice to her, and lastly, because I was really busy and wasn't sitting around here very much and able to write.

A couple days ago I finally told myself that I just needed to write something and after that I could write my tribute to Anu, so that's what I'm finally now sitting down to do. I'll write more about her in coming posts, just for anyone who didn't know her and also for myself, so I can remember her and get my thoughts down. The Meat always says that in some Native American belief, a person never really dies as long as others are remembering and talking about that person. I don't want to forget about Anu or let her die in my memory because I found her to be too pure, too amazing, and she affected my life. And I'm not just saying that now, after she died. I'm so happy now that I always told her just how wonderful and amazing she was, and I want to always be that way with the people who I love and also the people who just make me happy for a day or affect my life in a positive way.

After I found out that Anu died, a small part of me found peace in thinking that her spirit was just almost too advanced and too high for this world - she belongs more as a beautiful angel or fairy floating along with the breeze, dancing on flower petals and laughing as children run and play in the grass. I reread her last poem on her poetry blog, posted on December 7th, so many times, and The Meat actually put it to music for me. I'm going to repost it here, because it always sends chills down my spine when I read it:

the night-watcher

today as I cuddled into bed
under the window,
I felt like someone was
watching me intently.

I got up and peered out of the window
and saw a big round silver moon
peaping through the gaps in the trees
to look at me sleeping

I waved out to the moon and
climbed back into my bedsheets
the moon stayed up all night
shining onto my beautiful moon face

at 5am today when I woke up, I looked up for the moon
and it was gone,
perhaps, it has gone to shine on another beautiful face!

I can't believe she's gone, I still can't believe it. There's definitely a void in the world without her. I've dreamt of her a couple times. I can't remember the first one but in the second one, I went to her blog and she had posted, so I wrote to her and then suddenly she was here and had scars on her face but told me that a dog had pulled her from the car accident and she was okay, she survived. I woke up remembering every image and every sound from it.

I don't talk about her much anymore to everyone, but I think of her many times every day. Especially when I'm outside because even when she was alive I would think of her sometimes when I felt the wind in my hair or saw green leaves dancing in the sunlight. And she enters my thoughts at other times, too, and I still can't get beyond the huge feeling of unfairness, of how she could be taken by something so ordinary when she had lived so bravely with kidney failure for over two years and dealt with that and other things in life in the most incredible hopeful and amazing way - she really was a Pollyana, a book she had discovered a few months ago and loved.

Anu was 30, the same age as I, and we were born less than two months apart. We talked about that and about how similar we are (were) in our views and happiness and joy we both got from nature and from all things lovely. I know the fact that we were both the same age is one small reason why her death affected me so much. Like me, even though she was thirty, she was truly coming into her own finally, discovering herself and how amazing she was and how amazing everything was. And then it was all taken away and it's just not right, not fair - she should be watching the moon right now and dreaming of her prince charming, or being actually kissed by him.

Speaking of prince charming, on her birthday, September 16, in response to a couple e-cards I sent, she wrote, amongst other beautiful things, "I'm wishing that a sweet handsome loving caring prince will carry you off your feet and kiss you gently on your soft sensual lips in the coming days." And just about five weeks later, that exact thing happened when I met Mr. Hands in person. Her wish for me came true in the most amazing and perfect way.

And I can't tell you how much her posts affected me as well. Usually, after I finished reading what she wrote, I would think, "that's exactly what I think, it's perfect, but I didn't realize I thought it before and/or I never could have stated it so poetically and perfectly." And I saved so many of her posts - I'd copy them and email them to myself so I would have them always. Her whole blog is so full of revelations and poetry and love and magic and hope and beauty, and I don't want to forget what she's written and taught me just because she's not here to keep writing more.

I've written before about how Mr. Hands sends me a song every morning to wake up to, and a couple days after I found out about Anu's death, he sent me a very cool and amazingly beautiful jazz song but one that talked about a car crash in which a girl died. I knew even as I was listening to it that he didn't remember what the song was about when he sent it, and he confirmed that of course - but after the brutal description of the crash, during which I sat with open mouth and probably white face, there was a magical ending to the song and it seemed perfect in so many ways. At the end, the girl in the song looked up at the full moon and reached out her arms to grab onto it, and disappeared. I could completely imagine that with Anu - she would go to dance with the moon and send sparkles of magic moonlight falling onto all of us.

I know I'll write more about Anu, and write more about some of her posts, and about her comments on my blog and my comments on hers. I don't want to forget her and I think of her so often even though I never met her or new her in person, so I want to remember her and honor her wonderful words and the wonderful and truly truly truly amazing person that she was. I completely loved and adored her, and saw her as both a magical girl younger than her years, and as a wise poet sage, a shaman of sorts, whose wisdom completely belied her years. She was someone so incredibly special, and I can't possibly do justice to her with mere words or adjectives. I know she's out there, whether as a spirit or fairy or butterfly or moon, or whether she's in heaven or already reborn as a beautiful baby - I just know that her spirit is still around. But I miss not having her here with all of us, I really really miss that.

I'm also so sorry to all my blogger friends who I have stayed away from, both in emails and in going to read your words. You all reminded me of her so much and I needed to deal with her loss before I could come back. I haven't had much experience at all with death, so this was pretty new to me, but I do know that I retreat when I go through something bad and I hide for awhile until I've dealt with it internally - of course I didn't hide in real life but I hid from all of you and from the whole blogging world for a bit, and that makes me feel really awful and like not a good person so much. I've missed my friendships.

That's all for now, I'm very melancholy and thinking alot about Anu now. When I was visiting Mr. Hands last week we went into an amazing store filled with all kinds of treasures from around the world, and Mr. Hands bought a really cool little wall hanging that's a diamond shape made out of many little heart-shaped wrought iron pieces, and hanging in the middle of each heart is a little tin bell, and larger tin bells hang along the bottom two sides of the diamond. The little sticker said "Made in India" and the bells make the most magical and enchanting sound when you shake the whole thing - I said it reminded me of Anu and I'd think of her every time I saw it and heard the bells, and I will.

I'll also say quickly that I had the most amazing time on my visit with my love, and I love and adore him completely. He is my miracle and brings me such incredible happiness, and I love every day and also look forward to so so so many things with him in the coming year and many years after that. :) I'll write more about that later, but this post is about Anu and not about Mr. Hands and I, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I'm not going to reread and edit this post, so please forgive any spelling or grammar errors I may have made.

Seasons of Love (Rent Soundtrack)

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

What I've been up to

2006-12-18T00:25:00.000-06:00

I'm alive, I swear I am! I've been really busy this week and even when I write that I'm saying to myself, "what the fuck, you couldn't find even five minutes to come write something?" And yes, of course I could but somehow I didn't. Anyway, I really really really need to go to bed cause I just got off the phone with Mr. H and it's after 1:30 a.m., and I need to get downtown tomorrow morning before 9, which is so unusual for me. Oh - and this evening, I hung up seven pictures in a new nail salon that's opening tomorrow!!!! I hung two 8x10 photos, in big matted frames of course. And then five 11x14 photos also in big matted frames. They look AMAZING!!! And I'm soooooo excited now that they're up because I had been so so nervous and getting stressed and the owner and I were going back and forth a bit earlier in the week about percentage of any possible sales, and then I was drafting a contract for us, and then having to pick which pictures I wanted to use and order them, and get to Target to buy frames for them all, and design little cards to post underneath each photo with the name of the photo, month it was taken in, price, and then info about me, and then I had issues with the printing of said little info cards.

And well so anyway, tomorrow morning I need to get there early to hang up one more picture because tonight it wasn't balanced well on a chair at one point and it fell and the glass was fine but the frame broke in two, so I can fix it and use it in my own place here, but I need to swap the frame out with one of the extras I have here. Oh and also, I printed one picture in a 16x20 size and it looks fucking fabulous!!! Only I couldn't find a good frame for it and I didn't like any at Target. But Target online did have one that looked perfect, so I've ordered it but it won't be here for a few days probably so eventually I'll move one of the smaller ones to the little waxing room and replace it with the big photo, and it'll look so so so impressive and amazing!!! :) I'm so excited by all this and also a little overwhelmed, and oh I just have a lot of emotions inside me right now and not even all regarding the pictures.

BUT, as I said, I need to go to bed. I'm going to be a much better writer now this week cause at least my big project is almost finished now. And tomorrow I'll take some pictures of my beautiful pictures hanging on the walls there and I'll post a couple cause I'm just so excited!!! :)

I'll still be playing Musical Monday because I love to do it, but not today, and then I was thinking and next Monday is Christmas and the next Monday is New Year's and I'll be laying in bed with Mr. H! So I'll get back to Musical Monday in January - or I might just start posting songs on random days until then!

Musical Monday and other stuff

2006-12-11T00:10:00.000-06:00

Okay, Musical Monday. Shit, I haven't really even thought about what song I'll post! And it's after midnight and I am so so so fucking determined to get to work before 9 a.m. tomorrow because there's a bet going on that I won't be able to - so I need to go to bed! Which means that I'll see which songs I already have uploaded and maybe haven't posted yet. Oh, I actually know there's one I haven't played yet! I uploaded it awhile ago to post specifically for my lovely and fabulous and wonderful friend Emerald Eyes (e.e.) when she was going through a low time - because I was sure I remembered her once a long time ago say that it was one of her favorite songs!!! (And okay, I love it, too - how can you not love this song?!)

So here we have:

Toto :: Africa

Okay, now I have to repost my To-Do lists and cross off all the stuff I've gotten done so far! I fucking LOVE crossing things out on my lists!!! So so so exciting and how fabulous to see that I've been productive!!!

Things To Do: Apartment
- ~~wash dishes~~
- ~~get new vacuum bags~~
- ~~vacuum very cat-hairy rug~~
- ~~do about five loads of laundry~~ (well I did four loads and still have at least two more to do, but I can still cross it out because at least I did a lot and have clean sheets and have clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow)
- ~~dry and wet swiffer all floors~~
- ~~de-hair all bed stuff~~
- ~~straighten in each room~~
- backup all files on computer

Things To Do: Everything Else
- ~~completely write work brief tonight~~
- work on smugmug website
- figure out plan for which pictures where (I have more ideas but I haven't sat down and done the planning properly yet)
- design unique little cards for placement under pictures and at front desk (well I didn't do this but yet I searched around on the internet to get ideas for different little designs, so I count that as doing a little but not enough to cross off any words)
- name pictures
- create a new email account for photo and web work (I was going to do this tonight but now it's too late)
- figure out what to do about framing
- get back to work on learning code and designing site for Mr. H (I didn't do much but I did read a few websites tonight on code and I was so excited reading them! I love this stuff!)
- try on more coats at stores so my mom can get me a nice coat for x-mas
- try on certain clothes in my closet so I know whether I need to buy any new clothes for my trip to see Mr. H

Things To Do: Christmas
- ~~order 8x10s of Grandpa & me picture and Grandma & me picture~~
- buy two frames for said pictures
- find a book for my grandpa
- ~~order two genealogy magazine~~ renewals for my mom (this one is half crossed off cause I ordered one of them today and the other one I have to actually call on so I'll do that tomorrow)
- ~~figure out some other cute genealogy present for my mom, possibly something I could make~~ (I found a couple great little things and ordered them online, so that's all done!)
- ~~figure out what in the hell to get for my brother and sister-in-law~~ (oh this is a good one! I emailed my brother and he said he likes unique and that they need some pictures for their walls which are mostly blank - so ~~today I ordered two black frames with matting that will hold 11x14 pictures~~, and then ~~I ordered two of my Chicago nighttime pictures~~ (switched to black and white as he said he liked) ~~to be printed~~, and I'll pick them up tomorrow. Yay!)
- get supplies to make other little presents for everyone
- get stamps for mailing x-mas cards when the arrive

Okay, so yay me! No, not everything is done yet, but my list is so much smaller and more manageable, and I feel so good! And because my home is completely and beautifully clean, I feel so much more in control and not that super-frustrated feeling of needing to clean even though I have other things to do. Oh and I already have lists made out for tomorrow and Tuesday nights so I'll be so organized in my approach to everything! Yay me!

I had wonderful talks with Mr. H this weekend. I love how even when I'm a little sleepy or not in a talking mood, or if I can tell he's that way, we start slow but then end up having such good talks, or light talks, or fun talks, or serious talks - but the time just sort of flies by for me because I like talking with him so much.

Tonight we talked about legal stuff - contracts in the construction field to be exact - and then we talked a lot about immigration and all the questions that we need to find answers to. And tomorrow I'm going to email an immigration attorney with all these questions - she's actually the attorney who handled The German's case for the past few years and he called her and told her a bit about Mr. H and I and she said she'd be happy to answer my questions and give me some information. So I'll be so happy to find out some more so Mr. H and I can know a little more and be able to plan accordingly!

Christmas is in two weeks from today (Monday), and in two and a half weeks, I fly to see Mr. H!!! Oh I get so excited thinking about it! I can't wait!!!

Now I'm off to bed so I can get up so so so early tomorrow morning and get to work before 9 and shock the hell out of everyone and cause the people who bet against me to lose!!!! :)

Procrastination stress and Photography excitement

2006-12-07T20:45:00.000-06:00

Tonight I have to write something for work and I absolutely have to finish it so my boss can look over it tomorrow, so I'll be up very late. Sometimes I'm such a complete ass and could just absolutely beat myself for all my stupid procrastination. I've also procrastinated on doing laundry so I have hardly anything clean to wear. And I've procrastinated on doing my dishes so I have no clean plates or glasses or cups any longer. As I said - I'm a complete stupid ass with all my procrastination!!!

On Tuesday night I took the babies to their vet appointment for their little annual checkup and shots and whatnot. Little Emma weighs 10.2 pounds and James weighs 15 pounds - the vet said he should probably lose a pound and recommended that I only feed them in the morning and at night but between those times, to pick up any food. But my babies are used to always having food out! They have dry food out at all times and I leave their wet food plates out so they can, as the vet said, "graze". She pointed out that cats in the wild don't graze all day. But my babies aren't out in the wild and this is all they know! And while James might lose a little weight, and be very unhappy at the same time, little Emma would also suffer and she's so skinny as it is! So I don't know right now what I'll do. I might get weight control dry food and only leave that out. Or feed them 3 cans a day of wet food instead of 4. But I'm not going to suddenly make such a huge change and make them only eat twice a day and have to stuff themselves at those times.

Also, I felt very sorry for myself while getting them to the vet. I got home too late to call a cab and I live only a block from a major street but first of all, it was fucking cold outside! Second, I was carrying a cat carrier with 25 pounds in it first down my curvy stairs and then for that very long block and sometimes over ice, and my forearms felt like they were going to give out any second when I finally got to the end of the block. And then I had to wait for a few minutes in that freezing cold until a cab came - but at least I'd brought a blanket to cover the carrier both to block out the cold and the noise.

Little Emmalove was in a little Emmaball at the back of the carrier and James was sitting all curious looking out the front - he's so cute! Emma gave pitiful little cries of protest now and then while we were cab, and James was just looking at the front, which I had facing forward - so he looked all around the front of the cab and at the lights passing above. And at the vet Emma went first and was very scared but just cried now and then and she did very well. And then it was James's turn and he got more and more fidgety as the exam went on and then started hissing! And James never hisses! I think he remembered the last time we were there when I took him in for his diarrhea but couldn't get a poop sample to bring in, so they extracted some from his little butt and I heard him scream down the hallway. So by the end of the exam the vet had to put a collar on him while she gave him his shot, to prevent him from turning around and biting her. He was fine again as soon as he was back in his carrier, but my poor little guy was not at all happy while he was on the table!

In other news, and this is very very exciting news, The Bold One has arranged for me to furnish all the pictures for a brand new nail salon that's opening in a couple weeks downtown!!! I originally thought that the owner would just choose two or three of my photos, but somehow it's changed and today The Bold One and I went and looked at the space to get an idea of how many photos there should be and maybe where they'd go. I think we're going back tomorrow, when the actual lighting will be in. And I have a lot of planning to do! And getting pictures printed out in much larger sizes! The problem I have is with the frames though - because I can't at all afford to buy ten, fifteen or more very large and good frames. I'm not sure what to do about that just yet, but I'll first think about which pictures will go well in the space, how to group them, and where to put them. And I'll also work on getting my smugmug site looking more perfect, and on designing little cards to put under all the pictures. I'm very excited, but I also feel that I'm not nearly good enough for this and I feel quite overwhelmed and I'm pretty nervous. Still very excited though.

I'm starting to stress myself out now. I'm going to make a list here of all the things I want and need to do and then at least it'll help me organize it all in my head.

Things To Do: Apartment
- wash dishes
- get new vacuum bags
- vacuum very cat-hairy rug
- do about five loads of laundry
- dry and wet swiffer all floors
- de-hair all bed stuff
- straighten in each room
- backup all files on computer

Things To Do: Everything Else
- completely write work brief tonight
- work on smugmug website
- figure out plan for which pictures where
- design unique little cards for placement under pictures and at front desk
- name pictures
- create a new email account for photo and web work
- figure out what to do about framing
- get back to work on learning code and designing site for Mr. H
- try on more coats at stores so my mom can get me a nice coat for x-mas
- try on certain clothes in my closet so I know whether I need to buy any new clothes for my trip to see Mr. H

Things To Do: Christmas
- order 8x10s of Grandpa & me picture and Grandma & me picture
- buy two frames for said pictures
- find a book for my grandpa
- order two genealogy magazine renewals for my mom
- figure out some other cute genealogy present for my mom, possibly something I could make
- figure out what in the hell to get for my brother and sister-in-law
- get supplies to make other little presents for everyone
- get stamps for mailing x-mas cards when the arrive

Okay, there's the bulk of it. I'll think of more things to add to the list and then I'll start assigning days to each thing. But I know tonight my only assignment is to finish my work thing, so I'll try putting everything else to the back of my mind, which is so so so hard to do when I just want to get some of these things off my list!!! Oh, I just had a fabulous idea - I'll do some laundry tonight while I'm typing!

James is lying in my arms right now sleeping and I'm holding one of his little paws! I'll stay here for 15 more minutes and close my eyes, and then I'll get set up for working and then put a load of laundry in and then make coffee and then start working and then take a break when my love Mr. H calls, and then get back to work after that. It's a plan :) And I can't wait until I get this thing done tonight so tomorrow I can start really working on the other things on my list.

Musical Monday and Introducing THE Hands!! :)

2006-12-04T01:00:00.000-06:00

Here's a cute little funny that I ran across recently, it makes me smile!

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for Christmas. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."

I love that! So so so cute!!! :)

Musical Monday today is a band I stumbled across and I really like their sound so much. The band is Azure Ray, and here's some info on them care of Wikipedia:

Azure Ray is an American indie duo, consisting of musicians Maria Taylor and Orenda Fink. They met at the age of 15 at the Alabama School of Fine Arts. They fronted a band called Little Red Rocket, often compared to Veruca Salt, in their hometown of Birmingham, Alabama in the mid and late 1990s and released two albums with the band on Tim/Kerr records.

Azure Ray started in Athens, Georgia, but has since relocated to Omaha, Nebraska and joined the music scene there. Their sound is sparse and understated, with intimate lyrics, elements of alt-country and folk Americana, and occasional forays into minimalist electronica territory. They are also in another Saddle Creek band called Now It's Overhead, with Andy LeMaster also of Georgia. The two have also collaborated with Moby and co-wrote the song, "Great Escape" on the album, 18 with Bright Eyes. Fink also works with Japancakes.

Orenda Fink married Todd Baechle, lead singer of The Faint, in March 2005.

I'm playing two songs from their 2002 album November EP, which is such a good album, although it only has six songs on it - but all six are beautiful and go together so perfectly, it's all the same mood, which I like in an album. Anyway though, the lyrics are pretty long so I'm not going to post them here (cause I want to get to the pictures of Mr. H's sexiest hands known to man (or at least known to this woman!)), but if you want to read along with the songs, go here.

Azure Ray :: November

Azure Ray :: Other Than This World

So, Mr. H had a wonderful idea! He suggested that as I call him "Mr. Hands", maybe I should post a picture of his hands so people know why he has that name! Fabulous! I love looking at pictures of his hands so I should of course have a couple posted here!!! He has the sexiest hands in the whole entire world, have I mentioned that before?! :) (Oh and after writing "Fabulous!" there, I can't get the sound of that British girl's voice from the I think Orbitz gum (or whatever it's called - Orbitz might be the travel site but the gum I think sounds the same) saying "Fabulous!" and showing her pearly whites along with the little sparkle added in!)

Mmmmm, I lurrrrvvvve this picture! Mraow!!

I adore the lighting in this wonderful picture of us holding hands!
Yes I know he just suggested one picture, but I have to post all my favorites now! I love seeing his strong hands and I admit that part of the time when he's showing me stuff on his computer (I want a Mac!) I'm just looking at his hands! Okay and the rest of him, too :)
This picture was from the very early morning just a couple weeks ago, when we were waiting for his cab to arrive - his wonderful hand was so strong and felt so good resting on my leg. I can't wait to see him again. I miss him. :(

I had a pretty lazy weekend but I did do a few things - I ordered and picked up some pictures of Mr. H and I together and I've put them in frames around my place, I designed and ordered my Christmas cards online (and I'm sooooooo excited to see them cause I think they look soooooooo cool!!!), I made some backup cds of some of the stuff on my computer, I ordered Christmas presents for my dad and a few little things for my grandma and mom, I got a few little things at Walgreens, and I got a bunch of cat food from Petsmart. And I passed a couple of emails back and forth between my mom and Mr. H regarding my mom's dishwasher, and that made me happy! And I took some pictures for Mr. H tonight.

And Mr. H and I had some really good communication (and of course we talked a lot and emailed and texted as well) and I just feel us growing constantly even closer and closer and that's from already being in such a wonderful place and in love - I have SUCH a wonderful sense of happiness and contentment and peace all around me (well except for my few hormonal moments and when I have them I tell Mr. H exactly what's in my mind and he is absolutely fabulous at saying and feeling and reacting the exact perfect way) - yes well anyway I was talking about the feeling I have almost all the time, of such contentment and happiness and joy and it's just so so so wonderful, and I feel through all this that this is just meant to be, this is it and I'm so happy with that and wouldn't want anything different. I'm where I'm meant to be right now, and he and I are where we're meant to be now and have found each other when the timing was just right and we were both ready, and now we have something so amazing and so special and so beautiful, and we have so much to look forward to in the future! And I'm just overwhelmed with such fucking happiness!!! :) But also with that peaceful contentment - I wish I could describe it better but it's just pure contentment and happiness with just absolutely everything.

* * * * * * *
Three things that I'm grateful for right now:

* my wonderfully and amazingly comfy still-sort-of-new (5 months old) mattress, which I will be going to sleep on in only a few short minutes. I still so often, as I get into bed or as I'm laying there, think about just how amazingly comfy my bed is!
* my super-silky-soft sheets, which are going to make me feel so decadently good for a few seconds before I fall asleep! (And I'm not exaggerating on these sheets, even Mr. H thought they were amazing and that was without me saying anything about them first!)
* beautiful music of all kinds which can bring me into so many different moods or just so beautifully accent my moods. There is SO MUCH amazing music out there, and so many amazing sounds and amazing voices and amazing ways of expressing emotions and feelings - it boogles my mind sometimes but I just love it too!

It's a special day for...! And a Friday night meme from CeeCi!

2006-12-02T00:58:00.000-06:00

It's December 2nd, and that means...

Happy Birthday, Florida!!!!!!!

Yes, it's my wonderful friend Florida's birthday today (it's very early morning on December 2 right now)! And Florida, I'm planning on calling you but you tend to get up earlier than me so I'm hoping you'll check here and be surprised!!! :)

And I know that she doesn't like the mushy stuff, but I'm going to write just a little about why I love her so much! I've known Florida for about 4 1/2 years now (I almost can't believe it's been that long) and she is first of all one of the funniest, goofiest, most natural and real and wonderfully silly people I know - she puts everyone at ease almost immediately and people just love to be around her because she has such a wonderful energy about her, and she laughs often and is often laughing even at herself and her own silliness! She's also such a wonderful friend, and has been there for me if I needed her during hard times, and called me when she sensed I needed someone to talk to, and she has worried about me which has made me feel so good because I know she really cares. Also, her marriage to Asparagus has been such an example for me, and I've watched them and listened to how they keep their relationship so strong, and so I've learned in a way from them about the kind of relationship and marriage that I want through seeing them, and I've learned from Florida that a marriage is work and you need to put effort into it in order to keep it and the relationship strong.

I feel that I'm not at all doing justice to my wonderful friend here! Somehow I'm having a hard time finding the right words to describe how wonderful she is - I'll cut this short and just say that I adore her, I have such fun with her, I care about her and her happiness so much, I want all the best things for her, and I want her to know, despite my complete ineptitude with descriptive language here, just how much I love her for everything about her!!!! And as far as I'm concerned, there's absolutely no one in the world like her - she is so unique, so special, so wonderful, so everything - and I think the world of her!!!! So everyone wish Florida a very very happy and fabulous birthday!!!! :)

Friday Night Meme!

Wonderful CeeCi tagged me the other night, and I think she knows how much I love answering these little things! And I loved her thinking of me!!! So here I go with tonight's fabulous meme!

•What are you proud of?

I'm most proud of the past about 14 months, which have been by far the best time in my life so far. In that time I have announced my alcoholism to my little world and determined to conquer it and take my life back, and I did it!! And as a result of kicking alcohol to the curb, I've lost a lot of weight and now love how I look, and that feels so good! And then somehow over the past year, because of a number of factors including the stopping drinking, the losing weight, taking control of my life, feeling the love and support of so many friends both in real life and this wonderful virtual world, realizing and developing my talents and interests, being fully mentally awake again instead of dulled by alcohol and fear, and due to the guidance of a very special friend - I have grown an enormous amount in so so so many ways in this past year, and I really honestly feel now that I'm spreading my new wings and starting to test them out for flight (or at least I'm in the whole cocoon and undergoing metamorphasis)! I know that sounds silly in a way, but I actually really see and really feel the differences in myself, and I'm so aware of everything now - everything around me, everyone in my world, every emotion going through my head and body, every thought and feeling and reaction and so much more - it's really amazing, and I feel so so so fabulous and happy and full of joy!!!! And I have such love in my life now, and it wouldn't have been possible 14 months ago! :)

•What time do you wake up in the morning?

Ugh, I hate even thinking about waking up! If I were good, I would get up at 6:30 and then be able to move at my normal very-morning-slow and still get to work on time (providing that I not play on the computer and not do other things that don't need to be done in the morning - which I always do anyway). I sometimes do get up at 6:30. Sometimes 7:00. More often a little after 7:00 when my mom calls me and talks to me while I feed the babies and make my coffee so she knows I'm really awake and not lying to her while I get ready to jump back in bed. But then I still move slowly and still play on the computer so I always get to work late and can't seem to break my bad morning habits. I think it's time for a new leaf to be turned over - I'll only get on the computer to get my wonderful morning song that Mr. H sends me everyday (and which I so love and look forward to!), but I won't read any other emails, and I won't write any emails (except maybe a quick email to my fabulous boyfriend!), and I won't read or write any blog posts. Then I should do better at getting to work on time!

•If there was one person from the past that you could go back and talk to who would it be?

Wow, this is a huge question! Does it mean all of the past, every person who ever lived? Because that's SUCH a hard question then, to pick just one person! Or does it mean from my own past, because it's possible to read the question that way, too. I think this question is ambiguous.

Well, if it's someone from my own past...I have been lucky enough so far to not have anyone close to me die - other than my dad's dad when I was I think in eighth grade, or maybe I was a little younger. He had a stroke some years before that and couldn't communicate well at all, but I never tried to really talk to him because his whole condition made me nervous and uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do or say. However, my mom would sit with him for hours when we would visit and she's told me how she would very slowly figure out what he wanted to say. In the past few years I've learned so much more about him, as well as my dad's mom who died when my dad was 21, through talking to one of my aunts, and I even got my dad talking one day, which almost never happens. Also, I've looked at so many pictures of my grandpa from the time of his marriage and while my dad was young and growing up, and I've also talked to my mom about all she's learned while interviewing people for her genealogy research. And I've often wished that I could go back to that time as I am now and get to know him better, and sit with him and let him get to know me.

As it is, I have one memory of my grandpa before his stroke - I remember him in his kitchen in Milwaukee, and my cousins and I were very young and running all around - and I remember seeing him smiling and laughing and at least in my memory I see him holding a red pot-holder.

Name 5 things in your freezer at the moment...

- Blueberries and mixed berries
- Brocolli
- Two old unopened bags of Edemame
- A bag of stir-fry from Trader Joe's
- A stuffed chicken breast from Trader Joe's
[And I'll fully answer - all of those things have been in there for a very very long time. I'm very bad with actually using the things I buy for my freezer.]

•Do you believe in afterlife?

I don't know exactly what I believe anymore. I hate not knowing what to believe, it's very very scary and very uncertain. However, I do believe there's some higher power or energy, and I do believe there's something after death but I don't know what that might be. I believe in something after death because I believe that some spirits remain on earth after death for various reasons - which points to something after death - and I believe that we are more than just bodies with brains - I believe very strongly that we all have souls - so even though I'm very uncertain about other things regarding God and the Universe, I do believe that something happens to our souls after our bodies die and I don't believe that we're just a simple organism and everything we know and feel and believe comes purely from our brains. Oh, and I also believe that animals have souls as well, so my Muffin is somewhere out there, and my babies will be somewhere out there as well when they someday (hopefully very far from now) pass away.

•What are 5 sites you visit daily?

- Yahoo Mail
- Blogger
- Google
[Those are the only three that I visit every day for sure. I also visit my favorite blogs, and my own blog, and Mr. H's blog, and various other sites - but sometimes not every single day right now.]

•Five things you ate that you will never eat again:

- Liver
- Anchovies (tried a dried one once just to see)
- Frozen orange squash (it made me gag when I was young and my mom tried to make me eat it)
[Hmmm, I can't think of anything else and I keep trying! There are foods I've never tried and never will try, like clams or oysters, but I can't think right now of anything else that I've eaten and hated so so so much that I would never ever eat it again.]

•Five things that make you happy:

- Waking up to an email from Mr. H every morning, and talking to him every night before I go to sleep. And really everything about us makes me happy!
- Hearing little James's certain mew and seeing his look of wanting cuddling on his face, and then feeling him cuddled against my side with my arm around him and listening to him purr.
- Laughing whenever Emma looks up at me and mews loudly for affection, because she opens her little mouth so wide and her little nose crinkles and she looks so adorably silly and so so so so cute!
- The fun I have with everyone at work on every weekday - the laughter, the talks, the silliness, the intensity and caring, the guidance and support I receive, the fact that it feels like home to me and they all feel like family.
- The hope and excitement I have for the future, but also the hope and excitement I have for every single day and every week and every month! Great things are happening! And something wonderful is always possible!!! :)

* * * * * * *
3 Things I'm Grateful For Today:

* It's Friday night (well really Saturday morning) so I get to sleep later tomorrow morning!
* The orange juice which I'm drinking to try to help with the cold I'm quickly getting.
* The soft toilet paper I use which is nice on my nose now that I'm having to blow it quite often (again, the cold).

And tomorrow, I'll be making a little trip to the store for more orange juice, some tylenol cold, and super-soft tissues with lotion on them!

Random stuff

2006-11-28T00:20:00.000-06:00

I've run out of time again to write much. Ugh, I need to leave work earlier so I can get home earlier and have time to back up all my files before my computer dies, and have time to write a proper post - I want to write about my wonderful and amazing talk with my dad, about my talk with my grandpa, about how good my grandma's mental health and balance is since she started doing simple exercises a month ago and how she seems suddenly ten years younger. And I want to set aside an hour each night to spend on going through my html and css books and exercises. And I want to make decisions on presents for Christmas and get some of them ordered. And my place needs to be cleaned again, and my laundry needs to be done. And I wanted to do some free association and brainstorming tonight on any and all possible jobs/careers that may even slightly interest me, and then start making lists of things I like and don't like and need and don't need etc. regarding my future right now unknown career.

And I know I need to chill the fuck out with the stressing over all these undone things because it's not as if any of this stuff I've listed has a deadline! But I'm still feeling slightly overwhelmed just because I'm getting none of it done so I'm frustrated by my lack of control and self-control. I wish I had a weekend day right now so I could have a whole day to do all the things I want to do and feel more in control of everything. But I don't yet, so I'm going to relax and take a deep breath and remind myself that life is too short to stress about ridiculous things. In...and out...in...out...and I'm taking a page from DailyOM right now and visualizing a light all around me shining in rays, and I'm visualizing my little stresses floating away from me like little clouds of smoke, and already I feel lighter! (I went a little further in my visualization but you get the point - and no I'm not some kind of wackjob because these things really do work!) I honestly feel a little lighter now, although I'm going to keep going back to the visualization while I get ready for bed and before I fall asleep as well, cause I'm still feeling that lack of control stress trying to get back in my mind.

And now, for something much more fun!! Can I tell you how much I LOVE this picture!!! I've seen it a few times and every time it cracks me up even more - the dog looks soooooooo silly and funny in that little basket and just seeing it's expression in looking at the cat curled up in the nice big bed is one of the funniest things I've ever seen - it keeps making me laugh every single time I even think of it, and not just laugh, but I feel a kind of tickle from deep in my belly at the hilarity of it - I could so easily cry laughing over this picture!!! :) I LOVE it!!! I can't think of another thing right now that will keep making me laugh this way over and over and over again!

It's midnight now and well past my bedtime - I was feeling so tired all day and wanted to get to bed early but getting to bed early is so hard for me to do. This is another reason why I need the weekend to come: to be able to sleep in one morning! Oh but so I know I wanted to address a few more random things: 1) I have heard so many good things about the new James Bond film and I so want to go see it! I own every Bond film, a soundtrack with all the main songs, a Bond book, and my own sweet James is named after James Bond because James is a tuxedo cat and as we all know, James Bond wears a tuxedo so often - so you see, I really need to see this movie! Plus, it sounds so so so much better than all the recent films which so excites me! 2) That movie Happy Feet looks like about the cutest little film out there! I don't know if I'll see it before it comes to video, but I do want to see it. 3) There are some other really really really good movies out and/or coming out soon, and I probably will see hardly any of them but I always hear about so many around this time (x-mas and the awards season coming) that I really want to see. And yet, even though I just spent a whole long paragraph talking about movies, I don't actually care all that much if I see or don't see them. But it's just been on my mind recently about all the good-sounding ones coming out.

I'm so so so so tired now and my eyes keep closing. To finish, I'm going to follow another wonderful and fabulous idea of CeeCi's - at the end of every post, I'm going to list three things that I'm grateful for at that moment/time. This is SUCH a wonderful thing because then it's constant gratitude and being aware of what we're grateful for. And also, I usually don't have time to write out entire Gratitude Tuesday lists anymore (although it's not completely true that I don't have the time and instead I'm not good with organizing my time) but I really miss writing those lists and keep promising to work on my lists again. But until then, and even when I'm doing the long lists again, I love love love the idea of noticing and writing down three little or big things that are making me happy right that moment!!! CeeCi is just amazing with all her kick-ass ideas!!! :)

So - 3 things I'm grateful for right now are:
1) My wonderful IMing and talking to Mr. H tonight which, despite my somewhat stressed mood, made me smile and laugh and feel such joy at all that he has brought to my life!
2) Little James and Emma, my sweetest babies, who are so happy to have me back home with them and have been letting me know how much they missed me in their absolutely adorable, silly, cuddly and purring little ways!
3) My dad, because our talk the other night meant so so so so so much to me, and I feel a whole new acceptance and happiness, and I feel loved, and I feel that he's really on my side now, and knows me so much better than he did before, and I don't feel judged by him anymore, or that he's disappointed in me, and it all gives me a new sense of confidence and a bit of freedom. I'll write more on this later.

Now my so so so so sleepy self is going to bed!

Musical Monday!

2006-11-27T08:16:00.000-06:00

I got back on the train from my parents' house yesterday morning and I had a sleepy day and spent so much time cuddling and loving James and Emmalove, who needed so so so much extra loving and were so happy to have me back! I love that so much!!! And they both woke me up so many times last night and were purring and cuddly - they're so so so so so adorable and sweet and lovey!!! But so anyway, last night I sorted a lot of emails and browsed for x-mas presents for my dad and grandma, and should have started backing up my files since I last did it in July because I can just sense an imminent crash of my computer - but I didn't so tonight I'll start working on backing everything up, and I also talked to Mr. H for a long time and we had fun as we were looking at the same websites and he was giving me such good ideas for presents for my dad!

Okay, I need to leave for work very soon but I still need to finish getting ready, so I'll just post these two very very very cool songs by an amazing artist named Jill Tracy, from her album Diabolical Streak, who I happened to stumble upon and now I just love listening to this album - it makes me feel like slinking across a dance floor in a kind of tango, or singing onstage in a little jazz club with a slinky little Jessica Rabbit-type dress. It has such a sexy sound, and of course the lyrics aren't exactly happy but are kind of bad-girl-like. This stuff is just amazing! Oh and I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere to the first song I'm posting, Extraordinary, so under that song I'll paste in some things that have been written about her. (And I tried to add a picture of her album but blogger isn't showing anything once again.)

Jill Tracy - Extraordinary

From Amazon:

Jill Tracy is both villainess and heroine of her own musical netherworld. The San Francisco-based artist has garnered multiple awards and a devoted following for her evocative cinematic music, sophisticated lyrics, old-world glamour, and curious passion for strange tales.

Hailed by critics as a "femme fatale for the thinking man," Tracy was described by NPR’s All Things Considered as "utterly intriguing... luring you into a magical kingdom solely of her creation." LA Weekly calls her "very distinctive and exciting."

Her signature sound conjures up images of wonder cabinets, hidden passageways and opium dens, but at the same time, it’s shockingly new. Jill Tracy coos in a voice of cut-velvet smoke, ornately framed by her dark classical-cum-parlour piano, creating a world of opulence and danger, of magic and madness. As one critic put it: "You know it’s not safe here; but with Jill Tracy as your guide, you’ll be in no hurry to leave."

With her recent forays into filmmaking, writing, acting and theatre, Jill Tracy is redefining the image of modern day renaissance artist. But beneath her trademark sound and style lurks cold steel. No corporate-contrived cookie cutter blandness here. She is refreshing proof that smart... is sexy.

Also, visit Jill Tracy's website to read her full bio.

Jill Tracy - Evil Night Together

i'll hold your hand while they drag the river
i'll cuddle you in the undertow
i'll keep my hand on your trigger finger
i'll take you down where the train tracks go

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

we'll drink a toast in the torture chamber
and you'll go down on a bed of nails
we'll rendevous in cold blood
i'll tie you up to the third rail

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

who's gonna make you a hero
who's gonna blow you away
who's gonna make you a hero
hold it right there

it's a multiple down in solitary
and you'll uncover the evidence
shanghaied by a fishnet stocking
i'll hold you close while they dust for prints

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

no need for cake or flowers
let's spend an evil night together

words and music by Jill Tracy

Happy Thanksgiving! And my long and wonderful account of my weekend with Mr. H!!!

2006-11-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! It's almost midnight so Thanksgiving is almost over, and I'm kind of too sleepy now to go search for and save and include some cute little Thanksgiving picture - but so just pretend that there's a wonderful picture of a cooked turkey and stuffing and cranberries and pumpkin pie!! :)

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa! I had fun with my mom and dad as we got the turkey and stuffing ready and put it all in the oven, and I had fun with them all after we got my grandparents and when we all hung out around the kitchen table and talked and watched little stuff on TV and looked at little shopping ads and such. And then all the food was just so wonderful - I love Thanksgiving dinner so much, it's sooooooo yummy!!! Of course, my stomach ache is just now finally going away almost the whole way :)

I want to list so many of the things I'm grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day, but damn it's just so late and I'm so sleepy!!!! However, I'll name just a few of the millions of things that I'm grateful for: my wonderful mom, my fabulous dad, my loving and sweet grandma and grandpa, my sweet James and Emma who give me such joy, my amazing friends and coworkers who make me so happy and make me feel so loved, and finally - my love Mr. H, who has added a whole new amazing joy and excitement and peace and contentment to my life!

Yesterday I started writing out my account of Mr. H's visit and our perfect long weekend together :) I had THE WORST stomach ache when I started writing and it continued through much of my writing, and I was also occasionally getting up to help my mom with something - so I hope it flows okay and isn't too disjointed or badly written :( I finished it up tonight but it ended up being so long, yes very very long(!), and I don't want to reread the entire thing but instead kind of want to go to bed! But oh it was such a wonderful weekend!!! So so so wonderful!!! And guess what I did today??!! I made my reservation to go visit Mr. H!!!! Yay!!! I'm flying there on the night of December 29 and flying back on the morning of January 4, so we'll have five full days together, and will get to kiss and kiss and kiss as the new year arrives! I love that we'll be together for that!!!

Okay, well I'm off to bed, so now here is my account of our wonderful weekend(!) and of course the beginning stuff that I wrote yesterday as well:

Oh I haven't written in so long and I don't know how to start now!! I'm in Michigan at my parents' house now for the Thanksgiving weekend, and my train came in really really really late last night so we're all still kind of sleepy here. Today I helped my mom with some of the food preparation and we spent the afternoon talking and laughing and I got to tell her so many of the wonderful things about Mr. H and so many little stories about our wonderful time together this past long weekend - and it's so hard for me to STOP talking about him!! And of course he's on my mind All The Time! :)

I don't know if I have the energy right now to write about our entire time together (I'm sleepy and have a stomach ache), but then again, that's the best way for me to organize my thoughts and write out all my wonderful memories that I keep replaying over and over again in my head. So I'll start and I may have to continue more tomorrow!

Okay - well our story starts last Thursday night - I left work early, at about 3:30, to finish cleaning my place a little and do a couple loads of laundry, and it all took a little longer than I expected so I grabbed a cab to the nearest train station and that took longer than I expected, too, and then the train was moving slowly and my sweetie's plane had already landed! I hate that feeling when you're running late! I texted Mr. H to let him know I was on my way and when I got to the airport I went rushing toward his terminal and walking all around trying to find him anywhere. That particular terminal had hardly anyone in it at least, so I didn't have to scan hundreds of people. And then as I was leaving a voicemail for Mr. H (and that's the first time I'd ever actually gotten his voicemail and heard his message), I saw him coming towards me!!! And oh I was so happy! Instantly any nervousness I'd had about seeing him again was gone and there was just his smile and feeling his arms around me and his lips on mine - it was a wonderful, wonderful feeling to be with him again!!!

Then we walked together, holding hands, to the train and took that a few stops, and then spent quite awhile outside waiting for a cab to come by - it was a little chilly but being near Mr. H and kissing him and feeling him holding me made it all okay until a cab finally came, and then I sat smooshed next to him with his bag on the other side of me and our hands on each others' legs or holding hands. I LOVE being close to him, there's just SUCH a magnetic pull there for me!!! We got out near my place and stopped in a convenience store cause I wanted to get sugar for his morning coffee, and then we walked to my place and were home!

My senses were just in overload that first night and right now I can't remember the exact progression of everything, it's all just jumbled together as a perfect first night. I think after we sat down I straddled him on the couch - I just love doing that! - and we kissed and hugged and held each other and then talked while kissing. I think that we ate second and fucked first but I can't be 100% certain of that order. But I remember from the couch Mr. H picked me up and carried me, with my legs around him and while we were kissing, to the bedroom. And I remember we fell high onto the bed and took our clothes off and had wonderful and passionate sex. And as you remember, we fuck together VERY WELL!!

And then we laid together and held each other and talked. And Mr. H told me that he loves me!!! And my heart just swelled!!! And I told him that I love him. I know we haven't known each other for long, and I know that before that night we had just spent 18 1/2 hours together and then talked on the phone every night since. I know these things should move slower, but yet there's something amazing between Mr. H and I, and there's more intensity because of the distance and because of all we have talked about and the fact that we talk so much and for so long. So anyway, despite all these things and partially because of all these things, we are in love, and we shared that wonderful moment of telling each other in person how we feel! It was so wonderful and amazing!

A little later Mr. H took a shower and I put the most wonderful thing from Trader Joe's in the oven: the Tarte d'Alsace - it's the most amazing super thin-crust pizza-like thing (and the crust is sooooooooooooooo amazing!) with gruyer (or is it grueyer? or something else?) cheese, carmelized onions and ham on it. I LOVE this pizza/tarte! And I was so excited that Mr. H loved it just as much as I did!! And because the pizza/tarte is so small, we also ordered this enormous extra-large pizza for delivery - and I took a picture of it sitting on my coffeetable cause there has never been such a big pizza in my place before! So we ate a little more, and we cuddled on the couch and watched some standup routines on Mr. H's laptop while we ate. And eventually we moved to the bedroom again and stayed up rather late having more absolutely amazing sex and cuddling and talking and laughing.

Okay, next to Friday! First - I just LOVE waking up next to Mr. H!!! I love it - I love falling asleep next to him and I love waking up and kissing him and having him there with me! We got ready (well more he waited while I got ready - it takes me much longer to get pretty for sure) and then we walked to the train and my love got to take his first morning rush hour train ride in Chicago! We were a little cuddly on the train and I loved having his arm around me, and then he walked with me to my office and he went to get Starbucks and planned to then go to a couple seminars at the Apple store until early afternoon, when he came to my office to meet everyone.

I made him a little nervous cause I kept telling him that especially The Meat would be asking a lot of questions. I knew he'd do fine, but I didn't want him taken completely by surprise. First he met The Queen and we all laughed and chatted in his office for a bit, and then we took the walk down the hall to meet Freckles and The Meat. The Meat invited us to sit in his office and came in a minute later, and we spent about two hours in there talking to him. The Meat can be intimidating sometimes, and he can also be very blunt, and he also sees me in many ways as a daughter so wanted to make sure Mr. H was a good person and was who he said he was.

Mr. H did so well I thought! He was himself, he was honest, he was friendly - and throughout the whole talk I thought The Meat was able to see how good, how honest and ethical, how smart and well-spoken, how friendly and fun, and how wonderful overall Mr. H is. I thought The Meat was impressed by many things, and I was so happy with Mr. H, and they had so many things to talk about and really I think they are very similar in some very important ways. Near the end, The Queen and Freckles came in for awhile and we all chatted for a bit and then Mr. H and I got ready to leave and took some cool pictures outside, and then took the train most of the way home to my place but stopped at Trader Joe's and Mr. H got some yummy stuff to make for dinner (I'm really bad at describing food but I'll include a picture in my next post - he made chicken thighs with some corn salsa on top, wonderful little baby potatos cut up, french green beans and baby brocolli - it was all so yummy!!! And we lit our candle and dined in the candlelight and at the end took wonderful pictures of the candle and other things around it).

I right now can think back and actually FEEL myself lying in bed next to Mr. H - I can feel his lips, feel my head on his chest, feel his arms around me, see his face, look into his eyes. I miss him and being close to him physically, because it's so amazing and so wonderful. I can't wait until we have that again - it'll be a few weeks but I can't wait.

On Saturday we woke early and met Florida and Asparagus for breakfast and it was very fun - I loved having two of my best friends meet my wonderful boyfriend!!! After breakfast we all walked to a little music shop and chatted along the way, and then chatted outside the shop, and then Florida and Asparagus went back towards their car and Mr. H and I started walking toward home. And then I got a call from Florida and she wanted to tell me right away that they liked Mr. H, and liked him as soon as they met him - that there wasn't even any question about it. I LOVED hearing that! I love that my friends love my boyfriend, too!

Mr. H and I spent the next couple hours walking around, stopping at a couple of little stores, getting coffee, and just spending such a wonderful Saturday afternoon together. I love how whenever we're walking, we hold hands - I LOVE that!!! And I love how Mr. H turns and kisses my head now and then, and how we kiss often. I loved seeing our reflection together whenever we'd approach a diagonal window. I loved looking at little shops together and walking down little sidestreets together. I just love being with him!

When we eventually got home we laid in bed and took a little nap and then later ate leftover pizza for dinner and listened to a new CD that Mr. H bought, and looked at stuff on the internet. And then we walked to see a late night little comedy show, and took pictures around the area before the show. I love how excited Mr. H is about his photography! And I love the unique and so cool pictures that he takes and which are so different from my style of photography!

[I have such a stomach ache right now! I've been in pain for the last couple of hours and it's starting to get a tiny bit better now but it's still so awful - I feel like I don't ever want to eat again! It's all because I love eating pie dough while my mom and I make the pumpkin pies, and because I had my galbladder taken out, it gives me a terrible bellyache later!]

Sunday was so wonderful and yet there was always the slight knowledge that he would be leaving very early the next morning. We didn't talk about it until later in the afternoon at least but I know we were both conscious of it. Still though, it was such a wonderful and priceless day! In the morning we woke and had a lazy morning in bed which included wonderful fucking and then a lot of talking. One thing we talked about was our different style of decorating and how other couples have dealt with that. We both liked the idea of compromising on everything - finding something that both of us could like and be comfortable with - and also each of us having "veto power" that we could use anytime. I think that's a fabulous idea! And later in the day when he told me a certain decorating idea that he always likes, and I answered "we're gonna have to talk about that," we cracked up at my first possible use of The Veto! :)

Oh but so anyway, first we went to breakfast at a little place near me and oh it was so wonderful - we held hands across the table before and after our food came and we talked about fun stuff and also about relationship things and the future. I really think we have a wonderful mixture of lightness and fun and then more serious and very open talks about our couplehood and the future - ideas about raising children, how we fight and deal with stress, how to introduce his dogs and my cats and have them all be happy, where we might live, health insurance, immigration, our views on marriage and communication and commitment, what we'd ideally like for a wedding, how to handle money, how we'll go for walks with the dogs every other night so we can get more cardio and exercise in our lives - I know I'm probably missing a few other things but you get the point that we have talked about a lot of big things. And it feels wonderful to be able to be open and completely myself with him, and to know that he's on the same page exactly as I am so I feel safe to be me!

After breakfast we decided to check out a couple other areas, because I really wanted him to see some other cool little areas and streets in Chicago. We took the train and walked around a bit, checked out a camera store, and then took the train to another area of the city - and on the train we stood close together and I love how he had his arm around me so tightly and whenever the train would jerk a little, he'd hold me even tighter - it makes me feel so special! When we got off we checked out a few stores and took a picture of our reflection together in a window, and went in a couple of other stores and looked at furniture and decorations and organizational stuff - it was just so fun, so so fun to be with him! And then we got a few little groceries and headed back home after walking around for so long.

On the train going home, I got really sad about him leaving and was trying hard not to cry. I didn't want our night to be sad but yet it was such an awful feeling to know our wonderful long weekend together was winding down - I didn't want it to end, I love being with him, I love having him near me - I love my Mr. H! We were kind of melancholy all evening - we held each other a lot, we kissed a lot, we laid together and ate together and tried to not think so much about him leaving. Finally he got everything all packed so he wouldn't have to do much in the morning, and he printed off a boarding pass, and I ordered a cab for him at 4:45 a.m. And then we laid in bed and kissed and cuddled and got as close as we could to each other. We fell asleep with him spooning behind me, our legs entwined, and holding each others' hands.

The next morning came so quickly and while Mr. H was taking a quick shower, I wrote him a note and slipped it into his bag so he'd find it at the airport. And then we had about 15 minutes to just hold each other before his cab came. When we got the call and I walked him downstairs and we hugged and kissed for the last time my tears finally started flowing, and when I watched his cab drive away from my window I was all teary and then went back to bed and slept on his side and on his pillow and wearing his sweatshirt that he'd left behind. (He also left behind his toothbrush and soap and razor and little bag of toiletries - I love that, having them there, knowing he's there a little and will be back!)

Well anyway though, after I woke up and was getting ready for work, I got a call from my love and there was a problem with his plane and a chance he'd be staying another day (yay!), and shortly after that he texted me: "Stay!" Yay! Oh how wonderful when we thought we'd said goodbye and then were given the gift of another day! We met downtown at my work and he came upstairs again to talk to everyone and meet The Italian Chef, and he watched a little action to see some of what goes on every day, and then we got coffee downstairs together and I gave him my keys and he left to go to a seminar at the Apple store and then was going to get some groceries and make dinner!

When I finally got home in the evening, he had bought beautiful pink tulips with yellow tips and had them in water at the table and had the table all set for dinner and a new candle for me (I don't want to completely burn down the first candle he bought for me so I only burn it sparingly now). He's so wonderful! We first laid in bed for awhile so I could warm up a bit, and then I told him I wanted him to fuck me and of course he was so nice and gave me what I wanted! :) Then he finished cooking dinner (big sea scallops with a honey-soy glaze, mashed potatos (yum!) with green onions and goat cheese, brocolli and corn-on-the-cob - and we had our frozen bonbons for dessert!). It was wonderful!!! And then I did the dishes and he helped me clean up a bit and I just loved us working together in the kitchen!

After that we sat in the living room and somehow a topic came up that had been bothering me on and off - I had been trying not to let it get to me and I knew that I was making much more of it, much much more of it, than I should. But it came up then, and I don't like holding things inside me because it just drives me crazy then and becomes a mountain, and also because I want him to know me completely and that includes knowing what's in my head. So we talked for awhile about it - I asked questions, he tried to explain and showed me things and tried in a few different ways to explain it all to me, and then I finally understood and also saw that a lot of what I was worrying about was in my imagination and also went back to some very old worries and thoughts and such (like back in high school and early college). And then it opened up a whole new area for us really, one that we haven't really deeply explored together yet, and it was fun and also opened things up even more.

After that we watched a bit of TV and then got ready for bed and cuddled and kissed and held each other and fell asleep together. And again, the morning came too soon, but having our extra gift of a day had been so wonderful and brought us even closer, especially because I had gotten the worry out of my head completely with regard to my one little issue. And I just love him, and I feel so loved by him, and it makes everything seem so simple even though our situation is more complicated than the average relationship. I just feel wonderful, and so so happy, and that makes it all perfect! :) I know of course that there will be some hard times, and times when the distance will get to us, and times when we'll miss each other so much - but yet right now I feel that nothing is too big, not when we both are committed and in love.

So then after he left I stayed awake and cuddled with James and Emmalove a lot, and then got ready for work and packed and after work took the Amtrak to Michigan. And here I am!

So in conclusion to my VERY LONG POST, it was a wonderful weekend, a perfect weekend, such an important weekend, and it just solidified everything I feel for my wonderful Mr. H! I can't wait to see him again, and I can't wait until I next to talk to him, and I can't wait for our story to continue! But yet even as I say I can't wait, I love experiencing each and every day and each and every conversation and email and text message with him! And I love all the joy I feel!!! :) And I love Mr. H!!!!

Gushing about My Love!!!!!

2006-11-17T13:37:00.000-06:00

I don't have time to write a lot because I'm at work and need to get a few things finished here. BUT, my sweetie is in town and I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He came in last night and he's here until very early Monday morning and I have such such such joy in my heart and both a very peaceful and contented feeling and also a very excited feeling inside me!!!

And I can't tell you how much I loved falling asleep last night while spooning and holding hands, waking up with him next to me this morning, getting ready with him there and watching him play with little Emmalove, and leaving my place together and walking to the train holding hands, and standing on the train together with his arm around me and my hand on him, and then sitting on the train with our hands on each others' legs or holding hands, and having him walk with me to my office, and being able to kiss him goodbye when I went upstairs, and know that I'd be seeing him again in just a few short hours. I just love this!!!

And he's coming to my office in about half an hour so he can meet everyone who I work with and see where I spend my days! And tomorrow morning we're meeting Florida and Asparagus for breakfast! And I'll show him around some parts of the city, and we'll hold hands and we'll hug and we'll kiss and oh God we'll do so much more fucking which I can't even begin to talk about right now because it's so so so so amazing and there's not enough time! Oh and another thing I just love about him - I love how he holds me when we're outside standing, how he hold me tight with an arm around my waist and I especially love how he kisses me on my forehead or on the side of my head or on my hair now and then - it has the absolute sweetest and warmest and most loving quality to it! And another thing - we even fit together so perfectly when we're standing! When I'm not wearing heels, the top of my head comes to just under his chin so we're like puzzle pieces with the tightest and most complete fit!!!

Okay, I could go on and on and on much much more, but I'll stop now so I can get some things done and also get ready for him to get here!!! My Mr. H is such an amazing and wonderful man, and I am just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy that he's here!!!!!!!!! He makes me so so so so so so so happy and feel just so amazingly special and precious!!!!!!!!!! :) I'll gush more later this weekend!!!! :)

Musical Monday!

2006-11-13T00:20:00.000-06:00

I leave really really really early tomorrow morning on the train back to Chicago, so I'm just going to quickly post a song and then go to bed! This is a beautiful song that Mr. H sent me for one of my morning songs, and it was also on a CD that he made for me! I love the song just by itself because it's so cool and beautiful, but I love it even more because it came from my wonderful boyfriend!!! (Did anyone catch that? Yes, I called him my boyfriend! We talked about it and I'm starting to get used to using the word now and I'm liking it!!!)

Claire Voyant - Pieces

From Wikipedia:

Claire Voyant is a dream pop band from Sacramento, California. The trio were once part of a 5-piece band, called Murmur, but out over creative differences. Their 1995 debut, Claire Voyant, has been followed by two more studio albums, each introducing new elements making each a distinct work of its own. They are currently signed to Metropolis Records and are working on their fourth album, titled Lustre.

Victoria also contributes to Industrial artists HMB and Mono Chrome. Chris also contributes to HMB.

From Claire Voyant's website:

"Ethereal electronics that are lush and tranquil with the rich vocals of what could be a mythical siren singing" -CJ, Spongey Monkey Vol #8/9

The band has been described by some top labels, artists, and DJ's, stylistically, as "A mix of 4AD meets the Sundays, and Garbage." The lush and dramatic electronics of Chris Ross meld with the innovative and melodic guitar of Benjamin Fargen to create a hypnotic foundation for vocalist Victoria Lloyd's soaring and passionate vocal presence. The new album is sure to please fans of the 1995 self-titled release, 1998's "Time and the Maiden", as well as the 2001 release of remixes "Time Again".

The new album "Love is Blind" is the fourth full length album from Claire Voyant. The album is scheduled for a September 2002 release on Metropolis Records. This album continues the Northern California trio's 7-year collaboration and takes their dark melodic dream pop style to the present.

Love is Blind is a journey. A sonically personified romance of beauty and warmth adulterated with persistent micro-stabbings of invocation. Portraits of discovery, despair, and potential disintegration of the elusive "love". Why do we have to fill the world with silly love songs? Well, what's wrong with that?

"The mystery of Love is greater than the mystery of Death...." - Oscar Wilde

Claire Voyant is:
Victoria Lloyd ~ vocals & lyrics
Chris Ross ~ programming
Ben Fargen ~ guitars

My anniversary and other fun things!!

2006-11-10T13:04:00.000-06:00

Today is my one-year anniversary of being sober - yay me!!!!!!!! :) And life is just WONDERFUL!!!!!!!

I'm in Michigan now at my parents' house - today was also a work holiday (second this week!), Veteran's Day Observed, so I took the train home last night. The train wasn't at all crowded so it was so nice and I listened to some of my new music and I especially completely ADORED one of the CDs!! I'll definitely have a couple of those songs for my Musical Monday choice in a couple of weeks (this Monday I'm going back on the train in the morning so on Sunday night I'll post a song that I already have uploaded or one of the wonderful songs that Mr. H has sent me!)

And on the train I also went through the first chapter of my HTML and CSS book - it's a wonderful book that really focuses on the reader learning, understanding and most importantly, remembering, so they repeat a lot and make it visually interesting, and have many little exercises for us to do along the way. My mom just left to take my grandpa to a doctor's appointment and won't be home until dinnertime so I'll go through another chapter this afternoon.

Right now I'm listening to the Top 20 on Country Music Television - I remember the first time Mr. H and I talked on the phone he said he could never date a girl who liked country music which I thought sounded like such a ridiculous rule - and I like country (along with most kinds of music)!! I told him that then and he changed the subject! :) Baby, I think you're going to have to take that off the list of unacceptable things now!!!! Hehe!!! :) (And if you were here right now I'd tell you that while laughing and smiling SO big and then give you a BIG BIG kiss and another big and mischievous smile!!!!)

When I was doing a google search for a cute image for my sobriety anniversary, I ran across such a beautiful and positive and hopeful and amazing poem - the site is mostly in I believe Japanese but luckily this poem wasn't! I just LOVE this poem, every single line is so perfect and amazing even on its own!

One

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,

One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you!

Isn't that so uplifting!!! I love it, I keep rereading it and read each line slowly, stopping for just a couple seconds to really think about each line by itself. It's wonderful!

I told my mom all about Mr. H this morning! Late last night I told her I would be getting a phone call. She asked, "From The German?" Nope. "A guy?" Yes! "Someone from your internet dating site?" No, I got off of it, it's someone else!! I had a BIG smile on my face! But I told her it was way too late to start telling her so I'd tell her in the morning. So this morning we spent probably two hours talking all about him - with me of course doing most of the talking! She was a little surprised, has a couple worries about the long distance thing but is also really happy to see me so happy. And she actually took it all pretty well and wasn't too negative at all. And she did have some good advice and gave me a couple things to ask questions about - issues she's had to deal with herself in my parents' marriage. She also liked a number of things that I told her about him, and she can tell that I'm really happy right now and loves seeing that! So it all went so well and I loved being able to tell her about him!!! :) :)

Okay, that's all I can think of right now! I have to go check the meat cooking on the stove, and I'll pet my parents' cats for a bit, and then go get my web design books! Happy Friday!!!

My afternoon hard at work: a questionnaire about myself :)

2006-11-08T16:22:00.000-06:00

I've seen this little questionnaire on a few different blogs and although I think they did it as a Monday thing, I had the desire right now to just sit here and answer simple questions about myself - to make me think but yet not think at the same time, so I'm posting it right now as well. It's long, but I really like these things. And I find doing them to be very relaxing and also enlightening and restorative.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Mr. Hands :)

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I don’t drive and it’s been awhile since I’ve used a cart, but when I’m visiting my parents and use a cart I always return it.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
50/50 but depends on my mood. Actually, maybe it's more like 40/60 usually.

Do you take compliments well?
Yes, and they make me feel wonderful and can sometimes make my whole day!!

Are you an active person?
Not so much. I think I’m pretty average, but I like slow active (walking) as compared to fast active (running).

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
Good question! I think I’d be stronger than I think, and I probably know more about survival than I think I know. But at the same time, I don’t think I could light a fire by myself without matches. And I honestly don’t think I could bring myself to eat any bugs. And I certainly couldn’t kill a small, cute and furry animal for food. So I’d be a vegetarian and eat leaves and hopefully they wouldn’t be poisonous. And if I was abandoned in the Arctic or anywhere cold then I’d be a goner.

Do you like to ride horses?
The last time I rode one was on a family vacation in Wyoming when I was sixteen. There’s always much more rocking back and forth than I expect. But I’ve always wanted to be able to ride like a supercool cowgirl and for years I’ve wanted to go riding again – but there aren’t horse stables in the city and I have no car to get to the burbs with. Soon! And I’ll learn to love riding them! The horse and I will move as one! :)

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
[Oh woops, I was just doing a re-read before posting and I answered whether I ever went camping as a kid. As to camp – yes, a couple of day camps, and I know I went to a week-long camp each summer for a couple years.] Yes, I think once with a big tent and after a big rain and leaking my parents abandoned that and got a pop-up camper for us which was so much nicer!! I LOVE bonfires and roasting marshmallows and if someone there can play an acoustic guitar and sing then I’d be so happy! But I’d rather have the bonfire and marshmallows and guitar outside a real place and be able to sleep in a bed.

What was your favorite game as a kid?
Boys chase girls. Yes, really! :)

A sexy person is pursuing you, but you know that he/she is married, would you?
It depends.

Are you judgmental?
I’m sure I am but I like to think that I’m not. And I try to not let it affect my behavior if I am and consciously try not to be.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Pursued, definitely.

Use three words to describe yourself.
Caring, happy, fun.

If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf. I love hearing things – music, voices, birds chirping, wind blowing, etc., but I don’t know if I could stand being in a world of darkness and not seeing the faces of people who I love, the colors of nature and colors all around me, sunsets, blue skies, fall leaves, snow, lakes and oceans – I would absolutely HATE to live in a world without sight. And besides, if I were deaf I could still learn to read lips and use sign language so it would be so much easier than living in a black world.

Are you continuing your education?
I first need to decide exactly what area I want to move into, and then learn what I need to know. I’m continuing to learn right now – I just bought a few books on web design, html, xhtml and css! So exciting!!!

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I used to be a fabulous shot with the BB gun! And although I don’t ever want to own a gun, I keep planning to get my card so I can go to a shooting range and learn how to shoot a handgun – I don’t ever want to be that stupid girl in action movies who picks up a gun and needs to shoot the bad guy but can’t figure out how to get the safety lock off. And besides, again the cowgirl thing, and I also love James Bond so kind of want to be like him! :)

How often do you read books?
I should read more. And I love buying books so I have so many that I haven’t read. I read on the train going to work and coming home. Usually I don’t read at home but I want to start doing that more – close the computer and just read.

Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Present. What’s past is past. And I’m not a good planner so thinking about the future can be a little stressful. I like the present, what I can do now to improve myself and have fun.

What is your favorite children's book?
Mr. H and I were just talking about this last night! And I told him I couldn’t remember but that I know my mom saved a couple of my favorites in a box in her closet. I’m going home this weekend so I’m going to check! Other than that, I LOVED the Ramona books, and especially the book Socks by the same author (Beverly Cleary) – about a little cat that gets adopted and is the center of its owners’ world at home, and then slowly its mom’s lap starts getting smaller and smaller and then there’s a new little baby suddenly there and Socks isn’t too happy but it all works out in the end – oh it’s such a cute and funnty book! I haven’t read it for years and years but I read it over and over and over again when I was little! Now I wish I could read it again!

Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends?
I only joined MySpace so I can see my cousin’s myspace page (it’s private), and she’s the only myspace “friend” I have. I’ve kissed her on the cheek I’m sure!

How tall are you?
5’4”

Where is your ideal house located?
Kind of hard question. I’d love a little house in the city here. And I’d love a little house in Italy in a quaint little town near the Meditteranean. Or a little house on some island in the Caribbean, or a little house somewhere in Central or South America. And I’m sure I would be happy in so many other places as well.

Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies?
Thongs. (Why is “grannies” even an option here?)

Last person you talked to?
Mr. H called me around lunchtime today! Oh and Florida and I just caught up for awhile on the phone!

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
A couple of times – the last time was with Tivo right after we took the bar exam – we were both a little tipsy from celebrating :)

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
I can’t remember, a very very long time ago.

What are your keys on your key chain for?
One keychain has six keys for around my building – two for the front doors, one for the mailbox, two for my own door, and one for the room with the circuit breakers. My other keychain has two keys for getting into the offices at work.

Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
To work.

Where is your current pain at?
No current pains.

Do you like mustard?
No, yuck!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Oh, this is an unfair question. Obviously I prefer to sleep if I’m tired and prefer to eat if I’m hungry. And we all know I love sleeping. But I also love eating yummy stuff now and then, too.

Do you look like your mom or dad?
Much more like my dad, but I have my mom’s smile and teeth.

How long does it take you in the shower?
I LOVE showers, and I get cold so easily so I love just standing under the hot water. Probably 15 minutes is my usual. And because I feel the need to explain a little further - I have long hair so it sometimes takes longer to rinse the conditioner out – oh and I leave it in for awhile, too, while I bask in the hot water!

Can you do a split?
No, unfortunately I’m not very flexible.

What movie do you want to see right now?
I honestly can’t think of a specific movie. Oh - MWFB and I are supposed to go see Borat together!

What did you do for New Year's?
For New Year’s Eve, I don’t think I did anything at all, no I didn’t. First of all I don’t generally like New Year’s Eve at all – everyone always has SUCH high expectations and there’s SUCH pressure to go to some big party or bring the year in right. I stayed home last year so I wouldn’t be around any alcohol, and because I wanted my year to start out right by just having a quiet and happy night with my own thoughts. I think I definitely prefer the quieter route for that night – maybe just with family and/or friends, maybe out to dinner, or make dinner, watch a movie, something easy and quiet. For New Year’s, I’d have to look back in my archives. I probably just slept in and stayed home all day by myself. Again, I don’t like the overrated expectation thing.

Do you think "The Grudge" was scary?
I didn’t see it, I don’t like really scary movies.

What was the cause of your last accident?
Hmmm, last accident with a car of mine was back in high school and the cause would have been my idiot then-boyfriend’s ditzy driving skills and not paying attention to anything around him.

How much money do you have on you right now?
I think about $60 – just went to the cash machine a couple days ago, took out extra cause I have to put money on my train card.

What are you drinking?
Water, and I’m about to go to Starbucks.

Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, she spent her time learning piano (she took 9 years of lessons) and setting the curve in all her classes – my mom is very very smart!

What's the last letter of your middle name?
”y”

Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I never voted, but I did watch some of the seasons.

How many hours of sleep do you get at night?
6 on average, but I really should be getting closer to 8 so I can wake up better in the morning and not have days where I can’t wake up at all.

Do you like Carebears?
When I was little I did.

What do you buy at the movies?
A small popcorn and then I get a stomach ache afterward – but it tastes so good!

Do you know how to play poker?
Sort of.

Do you wear your seat belt?
Always.

What do you wear to sleep?
Bra-top tank top and yoga pants

Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Not that I can think of.

How many meals do you eat a day?
I just got yogurt at the grocery store so right now it’s 3. Sometimes it’s 1. Sometimes 2.

Is your tongue pierced?
No way.

What's your favorite NFL team?
I used to care but don’t really anymore. I’ll always go for NFC over AFC, and I’ll usually root for the Bears or Packers if I need to pick a team.

Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny.

Ever been to Vegas?
No, and I don’t have really any desire to go. Maybe once just to see it all, but there are about a thousand other places I’d rather visit.

Did you eat a cookie today?
No, but now I want one! Chocolate chip, my favorite!!! And fuck, I deserve it!!!

Do you use cuss words in other languages?
No, the ones in English work perfectly for me!

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I know it’s wrong what I do. I know. (That is NOT an admission!)

Do you hate chocolate?
What? Of course not! I LOVE chocolate!!! Dark chocolate!!!

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
With my dad, we’ll fight every once in awhile when he’s in a shitty mood and taking it out on my mom and I, and I call him on it. With my mom, sometimes I get snippy in the morning when I’m tired and she’s nagging me or asking me a million little questions. And then I apologize later in an email or sometimes call her back after I’m awake a little more. But really we hardly ever fight.

Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now?
I don’t think so. Maybe The Meat is a little frustrated with my procrastination.

Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Chirstmas Day.

What's your favorite preparation for eggs?
Scrambled with a little cheese on top and/or mixed with things.

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
A writer, or web designer, or getting paid for my photography, or if I had the ability to paint the images that I see in my head, I’d love to be a painter.

Are you easy to get along with?
Yes, and I think very.

What is your favorite time of day?
I don’t know. It really depends on the day. My moods fluctuate throughout the day and aren’t always the same at certain times and on different days.

Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend?
Ever? Or when I was little? I’m not sure.

Who do you hate?
Anyone who hurts an animal.

Would you ever date your first love again?
No.

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Kindof :)

Current mood?
A little melancholy, kind of tired, a lot of things in my head. Now that I finally finished I’m going to go get my coffee, and if they have a chocolate chip cookie I’m getting one of those now, too!

A little peeved and then gushing, gushing and more gushing!!!

2006-11-07T00:27:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I have the day off of work because it's election day! It's so lovely to get the whole day off for that!!! However, I've developed one huge complaint now - I've just been searching all over the internet and all kind of websites to find out where I have to actually GO tomorrow to vote and there's not a fucking thing out there to tell me anything! No addresses, no nothing. Seriously, what the fuck? How unorganized can they be to not give good and wonderful people (like me!) a way to find out where I need to go!!! And yes, I know I'm waiting until the night before to start looking into this, but I'm sure there are plenty of other quite normal people doing the exact same thing!

Okay, I'm finished with that now! Today was a wonderful day! I had some really really good talks with The Meat and he was imparting so much of his wisdom which I always so appreciate as I learn so much from him and so value his opinion. He has had such an effect on who I've become over the past year and he still reminds me often of my value, of all the gifts I have to offer, of all the wonderful facets of my personality, and he was the one to really give me permission to think that I'm indeed special and really worthy and that I have so much to offer. I owe so much of my self-confidence and overall sense of comfort with my life to the gifts that he has given me. And all because he sees something special in me and he cares about me as a friend and also almost like a daughter sometimes. And he would roll his eyes and be so embarrassed if he knew I was writing all this!

And my wonderful day continued because Mr. H called me during the early afternoon just to say hi and check on me and see if all was okay with my friends at work - I love love love love love all the so many little gestures he makes! He makes me feel so special and so happy!!! My morning song this morning was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man", and he said the lyrics are so him - and it's the most amazing song and so romantic and knowing that he picked it out for me because I'd like it and also because of what it says means so much to me!

And I also got to gush a little to Freckles and show her some of the wonderful things that Mr. H has written, and I also told her about his plans to come here and meet them all and even cook dinner for some of us, and I loved being able to share all this again! And I love that she's starting to see a bit of how truly real and sweet he is!

After work I got off the train a little early and walked to a big grocery store and finally stocked up again - and oh the most exciting part is that I got a bag of big pine cones spiced with cinammon or a cinnamon scent! They smell SO wonderful and make my entire place smell like fall and like Christmas!!!! Once again I'm realizing what an amazing power there is in our sense of smell!

And then tonight I IMed with a wonderful friend from the East Coast for awhile, and then Mr. H called and we talked for close to two hours and watched videos together on YouTube and talked about our future visits, and talked about such other exciting things that really put such an extreme sense of joy in my heart. I know I gush all the time about him but he's more than worthy of it, I swear! He really is such a special and unique and good person, and very multi-faceted which I love and appreciate. And he's such a caring person, and makes me feel like a princess and cherished and appreciated, and that's such a wonderful feeling! And he's interesting and interested in many things, he has a wonderful funny side and I just love when I get him to laugh about something, it makes me feel so good and always makes me smile! And he thinks I'm fabulous as well, and the fact that we both think each other are fabulous and tell each other that is even more amazing and wonderful!!!

Okay, I'm realizing that I'm in a VERY gushy mood right now! I could go on and on for quite awhile longer but because it's quite late now, I'm going to stop and instead go to bed! So that tomorrow I'll wake with plenty of patience to track down my voting location!!! :) And I SWEAR I will get back into Gratitude Tuesdays one of these weeks! I ALWAYS mean to, but my list of L words is so so so long and somehow I always wait until Tuesday night and then there's never enough time or I would be up half the night! But very soon, I swear!!!!

Musical Monday!! And this is the best song EVER!!!! :)

2006-11-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh do I love love love this song that I'm playing today!!! I'm playing it over and over non-stop because it is just so beyond perfect and the lyrics are just amazing and so perfectly express my exact feelings, especially when I walk outside on a day when the sun is shining and I lift my face to feel the sun fully on it - and that's a frickin' lyric in this song!! This is my perfect song!! And another line is "strawberry blond waves of silky hair" and I have strawberry blond hair! I LOVE this song! And I love the line "the gift of love is there for everyone" and the one "angels working overtime day or night to hold the hands that play all alone". It really IS so good to be alive, and this song so perfectly reminds me of that and brings such joyful feelings out in me!!!

Oh and I got the song this morning (Sunday, cause I had to write this post as soon as I listened to the song the first 10 times and knew it absolutely had to be my Musical Monday song for today!) in an email from Mr. Hands - he's been sending me a song every morning for when I wake up! I love that!!!! I love waking up to an email from him and a special song!! He's so amazingly sweet and romantic!!! And it all makes me so so so happy to be alive and experiencing all of this!!! :)

Edwin :: Alive

It feels so good to breathe the air
Another spin around the sun
On this spec of life in the universe
the gift of love is there for everyone
Angels working overtime
day or night to hold the hands that play all alone
a babe is born pure to the world as the old man lays down his head
and closes his eyes with nothing said
every year another promise is made
a pint of beer raised towards a better day
lets find a star a star to call our own
and make the wish maybe we can't make it home
ain't it good to be alive
to feel the sun strong against your face
strawberry blond waves of silky hair
spills over me like the milky way
ain't it good to be alive
ain't it good to be alive
alive alive
alive alive
ain't it good to breathe the air
another spin around the sun
on this spec of light in the universe
a little piece of love in everyone
ain't it good to be alive
ain't it good to be alive
to feel the sun strong against your face
spills over me like the milky way
alive alive alive alive alive

I'm suddenly too sleepy now to think of a good title!

2006-11-05T23:51:00.000-06:00

I've been SO bad with posting lately, I know I know I know! It's all because I have such fun talking with Mr. H and we've been talking until my bedtime or past it almost every night, or at least IMing until that time, and I usually write my posts at night. So at least I haven't been posting because I'm happy and talking tons with my wonderful guy - that's an okay reason!!! :)

Today I planned on writing some big long drawn out post but then I slept until 11:00 (which was okay cause Mr. H and I talked last night until 3 a.m. my time) and I took a nap on my couch from around 2:00 to 6:30 tonight (I was snuggling with James and his soft kitten snores just lulled me into my own sleepy zone). And then I had some stressful crying and then was talking with Mr. H until just now.

Something kind of good happened tonight even though it was really stressful for me and I did my share of crying because of it. It had to do with me asking Mr. H to come here for a visit before I went to visit him in his city. And we'd been planning this whole time that I'd go visit him next. I'd been so stressed about talking to him about this and I didn't know how he would react, and I felt so bad for changing things on him and I didn't want him to feel bad and worry, but all my closest and most wonderful friends had expressed so much worry about me flying so far away to see a guy who they felt I hardly know, and they reinforced their worries many times and I started worrying about whether I was indeed being not smart, and I worried about my wonderful friends who are so important to me losing respect for me, and I worried about Mr. H being sad or disappointed in me or getting angry, and oh there were just so many things running around in my head and I felt so so so much stress because of it.

So first I did a kind of stupid thing - I asked Mr. H if he could come here first in an email - because I was too much of a pussy to call him when that would have been so much better and not left him wondering and not left me stressing about what he was thinking. I realize now that the email was really vague about the reasons so I completely understand that he didn't know what to think or how to react to it. After he sent me a short little email back saying he was a bit confused and a little sad, I called him and almost immediately all the stress came out in a bunch of tears and I told him in maybe a slightly jumbled mess about the why's and I told him all my worries (not about him at all but about what my friends would think of me and about whether maybe I was being stupid and naive by planning to go there so soon) and I especially explained the worries of my friends.

And do you know how amazing and wonderful Mr. H was? I wish I could adequately express how wonderful he was! He of course didn't like hearing that my friends had worries about him, but at the same time he could take a step back and understand exactly why they would worry. And he even said that the fact that these people care so much about me says such good things about me - he was so giving and wonderful even in a slightly hard situation! And then he said that there was a very easy solution to this - he would come visit me first and while he's here, he'll meet my friends from work! And then they can see that he's really into me and for the right reasons, and that he also is a real and good guy! And he even said we could have some of them over and he'd cook dinner for us all! (Oh my gosh, as I write this I just have such a warm happy smile on my face and such a sense of I don't even know how to describe it but a really good and warm feeling inside!)

All of this was so good and so positive, because 1) he didn't get angry and anger always kind of scares me, 2) he cared so much about me even as I was telling him semi-bad things and hated seeing me so stressed and crying, 3) he turned it into a positive situation by saying he'd come here and meet my friends, and 4) he made me laugh afterward so I'd feel better, and even tonight said that what made him most happy wasn't just that we got through that perfectly and both feel good now, but that I'm happy now and not feeling so stressed inside. He is really such a wonderful person!!! And it just makes me so happy!!! And after all that we talked much more and about so many more things and he's just wonderful, he really really is, and we have such similiar views on so many things, it's so wonderful for both of to keep discovering all the ways we're alike!

In other news, there's some rogue centipede crawling around my apartment. Last night when I was talking Mr. H this centipede suddenly appeared on my couch about two feet from my face! I jumped up and was trying to find something to smoosh him with when he crawled somewhere and disappeared. Ewwwww!!! I retreated to the floor first and then to my bedroom. And this morning I checked the entire couch over and shook out my blanket and checked it all over, and I've kept my eyes pealed (or is it peeled - suddenly I'm forgetting which spelling to use for words that can use both an "ee" and "ea" - what is my fucking problem!) for the rogue guy all day but he's hiding somewhere. I'm hoping he'll come crawling out and the babies will spot him cause I've found a number of dead centipedes on the floor in the morning since we've lived here.

Let's see, what else? I'm sleepy and can't think right now of all the other things that may have been on my mind before, and it's 11:30 now so it's almost past my latest possible bedtime - I need to go to sleep now! And I'm going to sleep with a happy smile on my face!

Sleepy again - a short update from tonight and what I wrote last night

2006-11-02T00:01:00.000-06:00

Last night I started writing a post and I was so sleepy as I started and fell asleep at one point for maybe 45 minutes when James came cuddling, and then I wrote another paragraph and next woke up at 4:30 a.m. from James pawing at me and purring. And then moved to my bed and half woke up when my mom called but went right back to sleep and didn't wake up until well into the afternoon.

I completely and absolutely SUCK - it makes me feel so awful and so dirty and so angry with myself for just sleeping away through work. I want to just kick myself sometimes! And now I have such a headache all around both of my eyes so I need to take some Tylenol in a couple minutes and go to bed. I meant to write much more tonight and have it be exciting and I especially have one thing in particular that is so in my head and I haven't worked it all out yet and think I won't until I write it out - but with a headache and sleepy again, it'll wait until tomorrow.

Here's what I wrote last night:

I have to keep this short because it's WAY past my bedtime now!! I had a wonderful night and talked with Mr. Hands for quite awhile on the phone and then we IMed for quite awhile - it was really so wonderful, I have such fun talking to him and he makes me so happy!!!!! And IMing is fun, too - although not nearly as intimate feeling, but at least on IM I could see him and all his hotness!! And I love being able to see his smile, it always makes me smile!! And if I can figure out how to make my stupid webcam work properly then he'll be able to see me as well, and we might even be able to talk through the microphones, too - then it would be perfect because I'd get the intimacy of hearing his voice and also seeing him!!!

Last night [Tuesday night] I struggled forever with the stupid webcam as well, and had to download stuff and uninstall the old stuff which the computer wouldn't even recognize was there but made me uninstall anyway, and then reinstall the program, and restart the computer a number of times (and that's sssssuuuuucccchhhhh a slow process on my very slow lemon computer). And finally, it seemed that the camera was working. I chatted briefly with The Bold One and she could see me, so I didn't have to throw the camera across the room after all and all felt right with the world again! :) Until tonight when the stupid MoFo wouldn't work again - well I could see myself, and the thing said it was broadcasting, but Mr. H couldn't see me and I think got an error message or something. Tomorrow night I'll fiddle more with it and hopefully I won't have to end up throwing it across the room after all! (Well of course I wouldn't actually throw it, I'd be more likely to start crying in frustration and that would be much healthier so I'll accept crying tomorrow if necessary!)

Let's see, what else? I talked to MWFB (My Wonderful Friend Benji) today and he's so excited for me and he's a true believer in the power of things like this, so it was wonderful talking to him! And he let me gush all I wanted and actually encouraged it! Oh - Mr. Hands and I talked tonight about the next time we'll see each other!!! Yay!!!! Oh I'm so excited!!!! I'm going to fly there on a Thursday and get in in the early evening, and I'll fly back on a Monday - so we'll have three full days together plus Thursday night and Monday morning, and I have such good thoughts and feelings about it - SUCH good ones! We don't know the exact weekend yet, and won't until Mr. H knows his schedule a little more, but it will most likely and hopefully be in later November or early December, and I'm so happy knowing that we're scheduling and planning it.

It's just so amazing this thing between us, the feelings we both have, the excitement, the fun we have talking and IMing, the amazing attraction we both feel - I have such a hard time putting it all into words right now, but I'm feeling so many things ranging from such excitement to deep contentment. And I know that there's something very special here, something that hasn't happened before to me. I'm a very very very very happy girl right now because of my amazing and wonderful man!!!! :)

[James was just over for a cuddle and I fell asleep right along with him. I'm so sleepy.] One other thing - I cancelled my membership on the dating site that I was using. I closed all of the matches for the reason of "pursuing another relationship" and then I cancelled the subscription. I am committed to seeing what happens with Mr. H, and my only focus is on him and us. And I love it that way!!! Oh and I also told SP ALL about Mr. Hands, and I cut off all hookups between us - again because Mr. Hands is my only guy!!! SP understood completely and is happy and hopeful for me, but I'm sure he is also feeling some deep disappointment and that makes me feel bad - but of course it doesn't change my mind. And one more thing - I also had a bit of a talk with The German and was a little more direct and strong and "I am woman, hear me roar" than I usually am. I'm too tired to write more about that now though. I feel so good though! So strong and so happy and I'm just smiling all over the place, both on the outside and in my heart!

Musical Monday! :) And oh I'm just so so so happy still!!!

2006-10-30T00:01:00.000-06:00

I've had a mostly extremely lazy weekend but it doesn't bother me even the tiniest bit because I'm just so happy all around!!! And today my new guy who I'm now going to call Mr. Hands (see post below) sent me flowers!!! Long-stemmed roses and these long branches of I think eucalyptus which all smell so so so good and look just WONDERFUL!! And of course it makes me happy everytime I look at it! And everytime I smell it! And it makes me feel so wonderful!!! (And blogger is not complying with posting pictures tonight but so I'll post some hopefully tomorrow then.)

And I am just so so so so so so so happy, both with excitement and also with so much more. Mr. Hands and I talked on the phone during the afternoon for over an hour and had a really good conversation about so many things. It made me so much look forward to talking to him more, learning more about him, communicating in many different ways, seeing him sometime soon and growing with him! I can't wait to see him again and kiss and touch and hug him so tightly!

And we have decided together to try this out and see what happens because there's something really here between us, something wonderful, and despite the distance and such, we both have optimism and are together on this - and really, I love knowing this and knowing that we're both on the same page because I can really be myself then, and tell him how happy he makes me!!! It gives me a sense of freedom that I love, and even though I still worry about not being so good on the phone I think I'm doing better and I'll get better and better! I feel so content right now, and I'm smiling a lot even when I'm just sitting around!!! Smiling feels good, too!

Tonight we talked again and I got to see him on his computer's camera! He's sooooooooo sexy and hot and cute and I just love love love being able to see him - it did so much to me! Tomorrow night I'll get out my little webcam that I don't think I've ever used and try to figure out how to make it work. And then just a little later we IMed for another long time and had ourselves quite the exciting talk for awhile, and shared a couple of sexual fantasies that we will now be acting out in the future!!! And we had just the best number of other little conversations and it's amazing, I've never talked so openly and honestly and just been so completely ME before so soon into a relationship. And we're both so alike on that, too - that we've both realized how important it is to really really communicate and about everything, from things we like and things the other does or says that makes us so happy, to where we're going and what we want and what's important to us etc. etc. etc. And so things are so wonderful! So so so wonderful! I love how we talk, I love so many things he says, I love what we talk about, and I love so much more! This new man of mine is absolutely amazing!!!! I don't know how to explain and express it all, but he just blows me away in so many ways! And puts such a kind of perma-grin on my face! :)

Okay but now I have to post my Musical Monday songs so I can go to bed - and oh happiness at being able to sleep an hour later than normal in the morning!!! Today I'm posting two songs by the same group - who I was introduced to by Mr. Hands on one of the wonderful CDs he made for me - and I can't stop listening to these two songs, they are so so so so so so so so so beautiful!!!! I just love and adore this kind of music more than I can possibly say! And I got the whole album and the whole thing is wonderful wonderful wonderful!!!

The group is called Flunk and this is what alwaysontherun.net has to say about them:

The Norwegian folktronica foursome Flunk was formed out of the studio jam sessions of a trio of Oslo musicians: producer Ulf Nygaard (also of Folk and Rovere), guitarist Jo Bakke (formerly with the Happy Campers), and drummer Erik Ruud (a member of the Guidance-label act Antenna). After adding vocalist Anja Oyen Vister, Flunk recorded their debut album, For Sleepyheads Only, and released the record through Guidance. A folkie cover of New Order's "Blue Monday" made a bit of headway in the downbeat boom of 2002.

Both of these songs are from the album For Sleepyheads Only. Enjoy!!!!

Flunk :: Your Koolest Smile

Your koolest smile
Brings me into koolest moods

Your koolest smile
Brings me into koolest moods

I don't know what to say
You're tricking me
Into something crazy
I can see

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games
They make me feel so insane

Your koolest smile
Brings me into koolest moods

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games

Your koolest smile
Brings me into koolest moods

I don't know what to say
You're tricking me
Into something crazy
I can see

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games
They make me feel so
So insane

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games

I don't want your sympathy
Or your games

They make me feel insane

Flunk :: Distortion

Gosh! Guess I'm kind of sleepy too!
I think I'll climb aboard that very special choo-choo train...
Why don't you join us on our trip to lullaby land
I think it's about to leave
Are you ready

Distortions
Sweeps me
Distortions
Sweeps me
Distortions
Sweeps me

Distortions
Distortions
Distortions
Sweeps me

Distortions
Sweeps me...

Our little train trip to lullaby land is nearly over
Shall we go again tomorrow night
And the next night
And the next
Mind if I come along too
Before I say goodnight
Here's a very special lullaby I wrote especially for you

Sleepyhead, sleepyhead
Time to go to sleep
Now go on in your bed
Sleep my sleepy head

The reason for my recent joy :)

2006-10-28T19:05:00.000-05:00

Something really wonderful is happening right now, and I love it! It's amazing and exciting and unexpected and is making me feel so alive!

Yes, it's a guy, a man who's wonderful in so many ways and I'm just really discovering how many ways. And for some reason, despite all the feelings inside me and the thoughts in my head and the fact that for the past few days he's been a constant on my mind, I'm having trouble putting it all into words, getting all the things in my head organized enough to write about. Instead I feel that I'll be writing so disjointedly and not at all adequately expressing what I'm thinking and feeling.

[I've had this post ready to go for a couple hours now and have been just stuck on one thing: what to call this wonderful man. He has all these different facets to him and I don't want focus on just one and I'm just stuck! So for now I'm going to call him V because nothing else that I try to come up with satisfies me, and even calling him V doesn't satisfy me but if I don't use that, I'll sit here for the next five hours trying to think of something.]

So anyway, V is the guy who I was with from 4 p.m. on Tuesday until 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday. He doesn't live here and we live probably four hours apart by airplane. But in that short time, and actually within a couple seconds of meeting him, I felt things that I haven't felt in a very long time. It was amazing how drawn to him I was within seconds and it only grew, and usually it takes me awhile to like and or be attracted to someone and I also usually first see only the bad things about someone, probably on purpose. But with V, I got in the car and I was about instantly incredibly attracted to him, and as we talked I just liked him more and more - but it wasn't just a sexual thing, it was something more that I don't know exactly how to describe. I wanted to touch him, for him to touch me - even if was just our hands or a little touch on the leg. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to hold him and for him to hold me. This was all while still in the car and within minutes of our first meeting each other! I told him later that he was like a magnet because I felt pulled toward him instantaneously!

Before meeting, we had mostly just read each others' words, occasionally emailed, instant messaged recently, and we'd talked once on the phone for a long time and once the night before he came to Chicago. I wasn't at all expecting this, any of this. But it's so wonderful and amazing, and our 18 1/2 hours together were so incredible, and I feel so happy and excited from it all! I can understand now when people talk about there being an instant chemistry between two people, an instant magnetism.

I'll talk about our time together now! After he picked me up from work we drove up to my apartment - he was going to sleep on my couch and he'd bought groceries at Whole Foods because he was going to cook for me - yummy!!! In the car as I was feeling all these things I was trying to tell myself to slow down but even then my feelings were also saying in response to my logic, "I don't care, I want him to kiss me, I want his hands on me, I want him to fuck me" - yes, it was a little inner debate and my logic was not winning.

Okay so back to the story! We came inside and he took out a bag and he'd brought me presents!!! How sweet is that! He bought me his favorite kind and scent of candle - a Pacifica candle in Tunisian Jasmine scent - and for the rest of the night it followed us whereever we went and I've been burning it since he left, too, because the scent reminds me of him and our time together, and also cause it just smells so sweet and sensual and wonderful! Oh I love this: I just grabbed the little candle box and I have to write some of the things written on the box. First, just in regard to scent: "Natural and essential oils are carefully combined to celebrate fragrant beauty and its power to evoke a mood, a memory or a moment for one's soul." That's so beautiful and so true. And reminds me that I've tabbed some of the little things in a book I'm reading now regarding the power of our sense of smell - I'll write more on that soon. Okay, then on the back of the box it talks about Jasmine: "Jasmine, symbolizing grace, hope, love and happiness, has an incomparable fragrance and is one of the most valued materials in perfumery. Its oil is used as an aphrodisiac, to support pregnancy and facilitate in birth. In India, Jasmine is commonly called the "moonlight of the grove" since its white blooms release their heady fragrance only at night. This dreamy blend has the musky tea-like notes of a pure absolute." I love how that sounds!

Back to the story again! He also made me two CDs! It made me so happy that he'd thought of me and done something so sweet even before meeting me! I gave him a big hug and it felt so good and so right and we fit together so well! Oh yes, I haven't described him at all. Well first of all, one of my most important things is height and I'd never asked him how tall he was so I didn't know what to expect but as soon as I got in the car I could tell he was tall and I love that! And he has the perfect kind of body that I find the most attractive - tall and slender but not at all skinny, and with natural muscles, so he looks fabulous both in clothes and out of them! And even his outfit that he was wearing was my favorite kind on a guy - very cool jeans, black t-shirt, and such a cool-looking jacket that I don't know how to describe because I don't know the right words for fashion stuff. And he had a chain hanging from the side of his jeans to his wallet in his back pocket - I like what I view as little badass things like that!! :) And his face is so good looking - once again, I'm never good with describing faces but it's this perfect combo of cute and hot - and when he smiles he has a little dimple! And I also found that his lips are so soft and his bottom lip is full and I love feeling it on my lips and I just want to draw it in and suck on it all the time! Oh and okay, now I come to one of my favorite things - his hands!!! He has the most amazingly sexy hands ever!!! And also forearms, and I just LOVE hands and forearms! I took so many pictures of his hands because just seeing them is such an instant turn-on for me! He has three tattoos and I especially like the one on the top of one his forearms, it's beautifully done, looks so cool, and has meaning behind it - all of which makes it very cool. I think he may be a little embarrassed when he finds out how much I just went on and on and on about all this! But I can't help it, and this is my little diary so I get to talk about how sexy he is all I want! :)

Okay well he took a quick shower and I started playing the CDs he made for me, and we sat on the couch for just a little while and then we went to the kitchen and I finished cleaning the dishes that I hadn't been able to finish while he cooked up some very yummy appetizers for us - he made it look so easy and it was so good! He toasted little slices of bread and on half of them he put pieces of a red pepper that he roasted on the stove and then cooked in the oven, and on that he put goat cheese and then a little slice of lettuce - so pretty! And on the other half of the toasted bread he put a slice of tomato and a slice of good parmesean cheese and then a leaf of basil! Seriously, they looked so beautiful and both kinds tasted so wonderful and complex! Oh - and after he'd toasted the bread I turned around from the sink one of many times and he was drizzling olive oil on the bread, and I know this sounds so silly but he knows what he's doing and competence turns me on, and seeing him drizzle the olive oil in such a cool way with his finger over the top of it - well yes it turned me on even more!

So anyway, the whole time I was cleaning and he was cooking we were also talking and it was so nice and also felt so intimate with us both being in the kitchen and so close. I love cooking with someone! And then we took our candle and our plate of food to the living room and sat right next to each other on the couch, very cozy and I was very very cognizant of our legs touching and our every now and then other little touches. The sexual tension was amazing, at least for me! I couldn't be completely certain that he was into me, but I was incredibly and so so so strongly drawn to him (and it was the same exact way for him as I found out later). We took some pictures of the appetizers and he showed me how he takes very cool pictures where at the end of the exposure he moves the candle around. And he brought Pelligrino to drink and cut limes for us to put in it so even the drink seemed exotic and special - and I liked that a lot, having something cool to drink cause I sometimes miss that since I stopped drinking alcohol.

I'm getting so excited just writing this! When we started eating the appetizers I warned him that I'm a freak about my teeth and anything being stuck in them so told him I'd be asking him all the time to check my teeth for me. And then one of those times, after I'd finished my piece of toast, I asked him if anything was in my teeth and he said "let me see" and leaned forward and kissed me - and God I loved it! I wasn't expecting it and it was so hot and I felt it into the pit of my stomach and he was such a good kisser and his lips and tongue were so soft and hard, and I remember one of his hands on my face or neck and being so strong. I'm a little murky on the exact way that it all progressed because it was just so hot, but I know he told me at one time to tell him if it was going too fast or making me uncomfortable and I said no because everything was just perfect. I felt so safe with him and felt so good about everything - it was so exciting and at the same time so comfortable and natural. We moved around a little while kissing so we were laying down more with him on top of me, and he ran his hands over my still fully-clothed body and it felt so good and I just strained for more.

He asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom and I said yes and we walked while still kissing to the bedroom where he took off my shirt and I took off his. He pushed me lightly down on the bed and scooted me up, and we kissed more and we rolled so I was on top of him and he took my bra off and I loved the feel of his hands and mouth on my breasts, and I loved the feeling of straddling him because my whole being was so drawn to everything about him. He rolled me on my back and took off my jeans and I tried to get his off, and after he stood to take his pants off he came back and ripped my thong off and holy shit how hot is that!

I can't even describe every little thing but I'll say that he is very very good with his tongue and usually I don't feel much from oral sex but with him I felt a lot, and he's very very good with his fingers which I just loved! And now this is a lot of detail but I can't stop thinking about just how perfectly-sized his cock is - it's long and it's thick and from the second I held it in my hand I actually thought how perfect it was - and it was the most beautiful cock I've ever seen in life or porn or pictures, yes really! And while long and thick, it's not too thick so that it's uncomfortable to suck on and in fact I could suck it for a very long time and over and over - it fills my whole mouth perfectly but without causing me to have to uncomfortably stretch. I would very happily blow him every day! And while it's long, when I was straddling him and leaned back so he was all the way inside me, I could feel him up against my cervix but it was just wonderful pressure and stopped just short of being painful, but even a couple millimeters longer and it would have hurt. So seriously, he is THE PERFECT size for me! And GOD did he feel SO SO SO good inside of me!!! I can't stop thinking about it all and wanting so much more!

We fucked a total of four times that night and once the next morning, and between times we laid naked in bed and talked and cuddled and he showed me things on his computer and he took some naked pictures of me, and we also got up during that time and he made a fabulously tasty pasta dinner with ground chicken, garlic, onion, tomatoes, basil, and I forget now the kind of noodles - it was all so so so good and I got to eat the leftovers over the next two days!

I loved that he was so affectionate, too! When we laid in bed and I had my hand on his chest, he would put his hand on mine - and it made me feel so so good. I love and need both giving and receiving affection, and a lot of it, so I just loved being able to touch him and hold him and have him do the same to me. When we were about to fall asleep we spooned and he held my hands and I don't think there's any better way to be before falling asleep!

The whole night was just absolutely perfect and so wonderful, and we even talked about how it was almost dream-like. It was amazing for so many reasons. He's so cool and unique and interesting and smart and caring, and I could go on and on and on.

And the next morning I loved waking up next to him. I slept like a rock, which is completely normal for me usually. But at the same time, in the past when someone new has slept in my bed (and it's been quite awhile since that's happened) I've had a very fitful sleep and woken up many times. Anyway though, I just loved waking up and having him there. I loved kissing him in the morning. I loved cuddling and trying to wake up.

And eventually when I was able to finally get up to feed the babies and make coffee, V took a shower and I took pictures of him shaving in the shower. I like looking at them! :) And when he finished showering, we started kissing and then made our way back to the bedroom for wonderful morning sex. Just thinking about it makes me start throbbing a bit down below. And I was a little swollen from all the sex the night before so when he slid in me it felt so amazing! I want him again so badly - both sexually and just him.

Then afterward we drank coffee and sat next to each other on the couch and he showed me pictures on his computer while I put on my makeup. Oh and by the way, I've been interested in getting a Mac for my next computer for the past two or three months and have looked into it and read up on some of the cool features that Apple computers have. But now I want one more than ever because V has a Mac and showed me so many of the wonderful features! I'm going to start hinting more than ever to my mom!!! :)

Before we left, I took some pictures of V and I together, and some of him by himself, and many of his hands! I LOVE his hands, have I mentioned that?! And we talked a little about how short this visit had been but that neither of us had expected it to be like this and for there to be such an attraction. I had him drive through the city when he was taking me work - both so he could see some cool areas and because I knew it would take longer than if we took Lake Shore Drive. When we got to my work he pulled the car over to the side of the street and we kissed and hugged and kissed. I didn't want want him to have to leave so soon and I didn't want to stop touching him and kissing him. But I was also so excited that I'd found him, and so happy about our time together.

And since that time, I can't stop thinking about him! Not that I want to stop of course! We've emailed and talked on the phone, and just today we talked about where we could meet, hopefully soon. It does get a little complicated because we live so far from each other. But right now I'm not thinking so much about that because I just want to see what happens and keep getting to know him. And we both know much more about each other than normal people who have just met, and I think that will help me with being more open and able to talk about everything - because of course usually I'm bad about really talking about things like feelings or where something is going, because I'm afraid of hearing something I won't like. But here we have to be open and talk about how we feel, and I like that. So anyway, this is all a very new experience for me - from liking someone who lives so far away to feeling such a strong attraction and connection to someone so quickly - but I'm so excited by it and so full of joy and I feel so alive! And I have no idea what the future will bring - either tomorrow or next week or anytime - but even if the carpet was pulled out from under me tomorrow I would still be so happy this has happened and that I met him because I love this feeling of excitement and being alive, and I love that I've experienced such a wonderful attraction and connection!

There's so much more I could have written about our time, and I could have gone into so much more detail! But then this would have been soooooooooooooooooo long and it's so long already I think! I'm just so excited by this all!

And that's all for now. I'm being very lazy today but very happily lazy! Yes, very very very very very happy right now!!!!!

Sleepy talk, both happy and lonely at the same time

2006-10-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

Blogger wouldn't let me on this evening until now to post and I was getting quite pissy at it!!! Well, not really quite, but a little frustrated. Now it's almost quarter to eleven and I'm so sleepy and exhausted so absolutely can't stay up to write all that I'd love to write. I couldn't even bring myself to work on anything on my new photoblog - the one and only thing I did was browse and find a couple other user's pages on the site to find cool headers, and I copied their code so I could see what they did later - the website, as far as I can find so far, doesn't let me freely alter any and all code like blogger does, and instead only gives me boxes to enter extra code - but I just browsed the code cause I'm just too sleepy to concentrate!

I just trimmed the babies' claws cause I'd felt earlier how long they were when James was kneeding on me and of course I didn't stop him because he was so happy and purring and needing lots of cuddling - but I had a few inadvertent pokes from very sharp kitten claws!!

I'm listening to the most wonderful new music right now! It has me in SUCH a zone! Someone wonderful and fabulous made two CDs for me and I need to get all the names of the various artists because of course I've forgotten most of them by now, but from some of these artists/bands I want to find everything they've ever done because the one or two songs I hear now are so incredibly cool and/or beautiful. I love finding amazing new music, it makes me so happy!! And a few of these songs I keep playing over and over and over and over again because I seriously can't get enough of them!

My mood has gone all over today. I've been so incredibly happy and excited after the most wonderful and amazing and almost dream-like night I've had in longer than I can remember. Then I spent most of the day in a daze - kind of sleepy, dreamy, daydreamy, couldn't concentrate on anything - it almost felt kind of like a hangover as crazy as that sounds (but this was a very different kind of hangover than the kind from any substances, and no, I didn't do anything like that so it wasn't a real hangover). And then this evening I've been very melancholy. I watched Lost, cuddled a lot with the babies, got slightly angry at blogger, have sleepily browsed around the internet, and have listened to music. I feel alone tonight, hence the mood. Now and then I smell something that reminds me of last night and it makes me simultaneously ridiculously happy and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, and a little lonely and craving some of the affection and closeness that I had last night and early this morning.

I'll definitely write more about it all sometime soon, but I'm way way way too sleepy! And James just came up and is cuddled in a little ball into my side and with my arm around him - his little head is laying on my arm and my hand is holding his little back paws - I love this!! But that also means that I can only type with one hand now and while I think I'm actually pretty good at it, it still takes longer and most importantly, my arm muscles are getting really tired from having to hold my whole arm up quite a bit. And also, I did already write ALL about my night and morning this afternoon at work, but just in an email thst I sent only to myself - that way I could write as much as I wanted (which was indeed ALOT), give every little detail that I could possibly remember, and I could gush to my little heart's content!!! :) :)

Okay, I'm off to bed, my eyes are so so so sleepy!

Pictures - Wheat-like grass and Street Scenes

2006-10-24T00:05:00.000-05:00

I don't have time to write anything now, I have to finish my laundry and finish putting my room all back in order. Oh and I'm loving my bedroom wall color now! It's so unique and different and I love that I almost can't figure it out - it seems to look different to me every time I look at it, which is pretty damn cool! :)

Okay, I've posted some pictures from Saturday, I'm so happy with how they came out!!! I have to get back to work now so I can get to sleep soon!

Musical Monday! And I painted my bedroom!

2006-10-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

I just finished painting my bedroom! I finally got off my lazy ass and did it and I'm so happy! Although I'm not entirely sure yet about the color - it's called Antique Pearl and I thought it would be a light soft shell pink, but it's actually looking more like a light shell purple to me. It still looks fine with my bedstuff, but I'll have to see how I like it - I can't tell yet whether it's too cool/not warm enough. And I wanted a color that was comforting and inviting and also slightly sensual - purple is supposed to be a sensual color in some shades, so I'll see. I've never been a real fan of purple. Maybe when I get everything put back to where it should be, and my pictures hung on the walls again it will look better.

However, my paint job is spectacular!! :) And I just adore seeing a room transform itself in front of my eyes! And it also didn't take too long - I started taping at 7:30 p.m. and I finished washing my brush and roller and pan at 12:30 a.m. And anyway, even if the color isn't absolutely perfect, my bedroom already looks completely transformed and quite amazing, and everything is still in the center of the room and messy. And overall I'm so so so so so happy with myself for finally getting it done!! Yay me!!!!!! :)

Okay, I don't have time tonight to post any more pictures but I'm uploading a couple songs right now for Musical Monday! And I'm in a very positive and happy and empowered mood from the painting (and also because I did some cleaning today as well), so I'm going to play two of my happy songs!

I love this first song, it makes me feel a kinship with all women all over the world! And it's about us all being fabulous and wonderful! It's such a happy and wonderful song and I just love it!!!

Martina McBride :: This One's For The Girls

This one's for all you girls about thirteen
High school can be so rough, can be so mean
Hold onto, on to your innocence
Stand your ground when everyone's giving in

This one's for the girls

This is for all you girls about twenty-five
In a little apartment, just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's
Wondering where your life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

This is for all you girls about forty-two
Tossing pennies into the Fountain of Youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

Yeah, we're all the same inside (same inside)
From 1 to 99

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls
Yeah, this one's for the girls

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Bon Jovi :: It's My Life

And my second song today is one of my ultimate power songs! I play this when I need a reminder that I can do anything, when I want to remember that I have one life to live and I need to get to really living it. A wonderful power song!!!

The Chorus:

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Seeing The German and taking pictures!

2006-10-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

On Friday night after work I planned to meet The German at his place. He called at one point to tell me that he got out of work a little later than he planned, so I decided to just walk to his place from work, and then as I started walking I started seeing all the beauty of the city around me and I got my camera out and started snapping so so so many pictures! Actually, I'd been inspired even earlier. I had gotten a late start getting to work that morning because I wasn't feeling well in the early morning, so when I got on the train I sat on the side with the sunshine coming in and felt just amazing having the warm sun shine over me, and I noticed gorgeous trees with beautiful yellow leaves on them as we rushed past, and I noticed enchantingly beautiful little streets, and the lovely little cloud formations in the sky. It was SUCH a beautiful day!

Well so anyway, I took so many pictures from along the Chicago River and on Michigan Avenue, and I didn't even have to alter them because so many came out so beautifully! And my couple hours with The German were good but so comfortable and normal and we acted just as we always have - he kissed me in greeting, we laid down and cuddled, he had me sit on his lap to view my pictures after we downloaded them on his computer, and more than once he pulled up my shirt and had some fun with his favorite boobs - and it always gets me so incredibly hot because I don't stop him and instead go with it to see how far he'll go. And the possibility that he'll keep going gets me extremely hot down below. When he would run his hands up and down my stomach and his fingers would dip just a little inside my jeans I was so so so very very ready. We talked about how we wanted so badly for him to fuck me but that we knew it was a very bad idea, and we were strong in that way. But he did dip his fingers down below a couple times to see just how hot I was for him.

So anyway though, it was nice but I know I obviously still can't see him for a very long time. We can keep with our phone talking and that's fine with me, but when I'm around him I get sexually hot for him and I also am so happy to be cuddling and have his arms around me, and I feel so safe and protected and loved. And I get those feelings even as we lay there talking and I tell him all this and he reiterates all he's ever said before. So that's that. Oh but the pictures he had printed for me came out AMAZINGLY!!!! I completely love and adore them, and it's amazing how impressive my pictures look when they're blown up so big! Oh it makes me soooooo excited!!!

Yesterday was such a beautiful fall day as well, although it did get pretty cloudy in the late afternoon. I took a bus to an area that I think looks so cool and has some amazing buildings with so much detail on them. I took a bunch of pictures of the area, of buildings, of people, and I sat in a Starbucks and had a coffee and read my book for awhile. I don't usually do that because I usually prefer to stay home and read - it's more comfortable physically and mentally for me. So on one hand I felt strong for going inside and getting a coffee and getting a table and staying there even though it was outside of my little zone of comfort. But I also was thinking about how much happier I would be reading with little James cuddled at my side sleeping and little Emma near my head on top of the couch cushions. I would much rather be with my sweet babies than alone in a coffee shop. And I was so happy to cuddle with my little lovies when I got home a bit later!

Below are pictures from my walk around downtown on Friday night, and later tonight I'll post pictures from yesterday - I was so excited to find some really beautiful wheat-like-grass to take pictures of, I'm absolutely obsessed with all these beautiful wheat grasses growing all over! They're all so different and all so beautiful, and I think I was able to get some really good pictures!!! Yay!

Okay, I need to go clean and do a lot of stuff around my place! I'm so motivated today!!! :)

The pink light on the top of the Wrigley Building is pink for Breast Cancer Month

The current progress of the Trump Tower

Another picture along Wacker Drive, with the Trump Tower to the left.

From left: Wrigley Building, Tribune Tower, and Michigan Avenue Bridge

Again

On Michigan Avenue Bridge - headlights hightlighting pedestrians.

City lights from Michigan Avenue Bridge, with a warm tint.

And again, but true color.

Bus going by on Michigan Avenue.

I love how this art gallery looks at night. I'm not at all a fan of a fur store.

Activity on Michigan Avenue

Girl hailing a cab

Handheld photo from below the Hancock - and I'd like to note that the shutter was open for EIGHT seconds and I wasn't even bracing myself or the camera against anything, and it's not even that blurry!!!

Sickly me and some random thoughts

2006-10-19T23:53:00.000-05:00

I've been sick with some little bug at least today but maybe yesterday, too. I can't say for sure with regard to yesterday (Wednesday), because I slept for the entire day. From 1 a.m. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning until 4:35 p.m. Wednesday afternoon. I talked to my mom in the morning but I can't even remember anything we said because I was just waiting to go back to sleep, and was in a whole other mindframe. And The German knew I was out of it when he called but couldn't wake me up. He called me at about noon and I managed to wake up slightly to talk to him, but fell back asleep before I could call into work. And I next woke up at 4:35 and could easily have kept on sleeping but I made myself get up. And then I felt a little dizzy and completely out of it all evening, and for most of that time I also had a terrible headache that I couldn't get rid of.

Then I went to bed at midnight and got up this morning and got all ready and went to work. When I was walking to the train I felt dizzy and lightheaded, and my legs even felt very weak. But then the worst was when I was on the train - luckily I had a seat but we were standing still for a bit and suddenly the feeling started coming over me and I was sooooooooooo afraid that I was going to throw up. And throwing up alone is one of my most hated things (and I can only remember less than ten times in my life that I've thrown up, I have a stomach of steel especially when you consider that I only threw up one time from alcohol), but throwing up in front of people would have to be one of the most awful things I can possibly imagine! And believe me, I've had fears of it before!

But I didn't, thank God! I kept alternately feeling like I was going to faint or throw up though, and then I'd have okay moments, and then back to those feelings. I got to work and was just out of it. I felt flushed and the second Freckles saw me she knew I wasn't well because she could see it in my eyes. And The Queen said I looked flushed as well. So I took a cab home. But I didn't go to sleep because I had another one of my unreasonable fears: that maybe I had toxic shock and if I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to see the signs and I'd die. Because I kept a tampon in from about 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday until 4:35 p.m. on Wednesday when I woke up, and I was thinking that maybe it was just delayed toxic shock. I know, I have issues with stuff like that.

So instead I was checking through some old emails my mom had sent me and one was a link to the photoblog of a guy who works with my dad. And I really liked the site, which I'd seen before but forgotten about somehow. So I did some more research on it, and then I signed up and spent the afternoon uploading my photos to that site and putting tags on the pictures and organizing the pictures in their galleries. And I was just getting to the point where I was going to start adding in some fun code to see what I could do, but then I started looking at other people's photoblogs on this site to get ideas and suddenly a lot of time disappeared. So I'm putting off further tinkering until tomorrow or this weekend.

I was supposed to go to The German's after work on Wednesday and then when I didn't go to work, we moved it to today but that obviously didn't happen either. It was going to be the first time I'll have seen him since late August sometime. We've talked a little almost every day because he calls me every morning and he also calls me on the weekends, but no physical contact, and I know it needs to stay that way for longer still. Because I just know that when I see him whenever I now do, I'll just want it to be our "normal" thing of cuddling, and he'll want it to be that, too. And he also misses both me and my company and also our sexual contact - he tells me that in his silly way.

But he had all these big prints made for me, so I feel that I should relent and see him for just a little while, just once. But to be honest, when I even think about it I start getting old feelings coming right back to the surface. So the talking is fine but seeing him and the cuddling and kissing and seeing his face is too much. By the way, MWFB told me that The German told him how amazing I am and how strong, to realize that I need to stay away from him and to stick to it - he said other things and they meant a lot to me to hear, just knowing that he recognizes these things about me. It's a good reminder and good validation and all that good stuff!

On my little dating site there are a few potentials. Nothing ridiculously exciting right now but it's hard to get excited from just reading a few little things. Still though, a number of these guys sound interesting, so I'll see. I do feel good about the whole thing, and good about the site and process, and I'm also not anymore expecting some perfect guy on day one. I'm happy though that I'm out there and have the real potential to meet someone again. And beyond that, I think it will happen when it's meant to happen, and I'm perfectly okay with that at the moment.

What else? Not much has happened since I've just been here at home. Oh - well I did have a little rendevous with SP on Tuesday night! It was fun and we also had a really good talk, I think we were both in the same kind of reflective and introspective mood, so we really felt each other.

Oh, and I switched over to yahoo beta two nights ago and have been spending a ridiculous amount of time organizing emails into files now. I never did it before because it seemed like too much work, not having a drop and drag. And I don't actually delete very many emails, so I had about 5500 emails in my inbox. I'm down to about 4800 right now from deleting and moving many to folders. I love it though because I love this "getting organized" feeling! Seriously, I know that I'm spending so much time going through all these old emails, but I love it because I love the feeling of getting organized, and of having all these little folders now to sort the emails into, and of being able to delete a bunch of emails, and all the while I watch that number on the inbox keep going down and it just excites me!! :) And of course, it's nice too to remind myself of some things and sometimes read some old emails!

Okay, time for me to go to bed. I'm feeling about 80% better but my stomach still doesn't feel all normal and it's a little bothered still, and I feel a little headache in my temples, and a little pressure in my sinuses. So I need to sleep. Oh and speaking of sleep, all day today since I came home from work, little James has slept either against my side or on top of me or with my arm around him and his face resting on my arm and his paws holding onto me - I love that so much, he's so sweet and affectionate!!! (And I again have tried putting a wonderful picture of little James on here and even though dumbass blogger says it's uploaded fine, nothing nothing nothing appears and I've tried using the code from other pictures in previous posts but just changing the file number and that doesn't work either. So no picture of James today, poor us!)

Happy stuff! Very late at night!

2006-10-17T02:02:00.000-05:00

I've failed my new bedtime leaf tonight, and I did last night, too. I'm very very bad. But I bought a new litter pan for the babies today so they can have two of them - I still have to fill it and set it up and such, with the mat to catch the litter around it - but hopefully this will do even more in stopping James from pooping and peeing where he shouldn't be.

I also got a bottle of the Nature's Remedy, because my hallway carpet smells like cat pee a bit. I rolled it up last week so he couldn't pee on it more, but it still smells whenever I walk in the apartment. So tomorrow I'll unroll it and completely drench the areas where he peed, and cover those loosely with aluminum foil. And then the other part of my plan: I'm going to put out three bowls of dry food along the length of the carpet because as we all know, cats won't pee where they eat. And besides, James will have two places now to pee and poop - and they'll both be litter boxes! (He's actually been good since I rolled up the carpet, and has peed in his litter pan always and even pooped in the pan most of the time, which doesn't always happen very often anymore.)

I also bought them a new little bed, because they love their little kitten beds and are so so so so cute when they sleep in them! And I bought them an early Christmas present because there are already little Christmas toys out, and I love my babies - so I got them two little Christmas catnip mice. Oh and the cutest thing - I got two little red velvet elf-or-jester-like Christmas things to go around their necks, with little bells on them!! I'm going to try putting these little things on them for first a few minutes and then just a little longer, so when it's time for us to take our Christmas picture I might be able to have both of them in adorable little Christmas things!!! :) So cute!!!! Of course, if they really hate them, I won't torture them, but still I'll try, and they were cheap. And the last couple of years I could never find anything for cats cause they'd be all sold out! Also, at least I was a good kitten momma and didn't get the little things that attach around their heads - the reindeer hats or santa hats - they would look soooooo silly with those on, and with their ears hidden! I wouldn't be able to stop laughing for the pictures!

Okay anyway, then I sorted through some pictures to send to The German, because he might be able to get free 16x20 pictures made for me of some of our pictures. And I also talked to SoulSearcher on the phone for 40 minutes and we had a very good conversation, I really like talking to him. And I emailed back and forth with my mom and got pictures from her, and I wrote a little email to my grandpa, too. And also - I haven't said anything about this yet - on Friday night or Saturday, I signed up for one of the online dating things again, a big step (and my dad was very happy to hear about it) - so I had to write a little bit of a response to one guy. It's a semi-exciting little distraction right now, and although I tend to waiver between being sad and thinking there is no one out there, and then feeling excited, it's a nice feeling to get the excitement and hope throughout the day! Of course, I'm just taking it very slow because I don't feel the need yet to actually go out and meet anyone, but just slowly learning a little more is okay with me. And feeling the hope again.

Then I also talked to MWFB for a couple hours and we got off just now, and now it's getting close to 2 a.m. but I decided to write really quickly anyway. Oh and my little fable books arrived from Amazon today, and I'm so excited to read them! Oh and also, I got a few cutesy little stocking stuffers tonight for Christmas - I can't help it, the stores are starting to decorate! I was at World Market and I bought two boxes containing three chocolate golf balls each for my dad and brother, and a "Schoko-Werkzeugbox (Choco-Toolbox)" for my dad - I'm going to have to post a picture later, it has a chocolate saw, chocolate hammer, chocolate wrench, chocolate screwdriver, and chocolate plyers - and for my mom, I got a box of "Katzen-Zungen (Cat Tongues)", the box has two of the cutest little kittens on it! So I've started my little Christmas shopping just a tiny bit now!

And I got just one more thing - a very small camera bag that fits basically just my camera and a couple other small things. I have my camera backpack that holds the camera, other lenses, filters, plus a personal area, but that's more for excursions and weekends and such. This one will go everywhere with me. I've been carrying my camera in my purse all this time but I love that camera so much and I don't like putting it all unprotected in my purse, so this will be my day camera bag - it just holds the camera nicely, no extra lens - but my camera will be lovely and safe, and it has a nice long strap to go across my body, and I won't even notice it then! I spent quite a long time in the camera store trying out every single small bag, and then looking at everything else I could possibly browse, just because it makes me so happy!

Okay, I'm off to bed. I was melancholy during the day today and even started crying at work a few times, but tonight has been a very good night and I feel positive and happy and lovely!!! :)

Musical Monday

2006-10-16T00:48:00.000-05:00

I had a hard time picking songs for today. I played a whole list of songs that jumped out at me, and there were so many good ones. But I've settled on Damien Rice because 1) I love his music, it gets me in such a mellow zone that I like, and 2) he has amazing lyrics.

[Blogger won't let me put a picture in and I've tried so many times - pisses the FUCK out of me when this happens!!! (Deep breath) Okay, I'm a little better.]

Damien Rice :: Older Chests

(This first song has such beautiful lyrics, read along if you have a chance.)

older chests reveal themselves
like a crack in a wall
starting small and grow in time
we all seem to need the help
of someone else to mend that shelf
of too many books
read me your favourite line
papa went to other lands
and found someone who understands
the ticking and the western man's need to cry
he came back the other day you know
some things in life may change
and some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time
older gents sit on the fence
with their cap in hand
lookin’ grand
they watch their city change
children scream or so it seems
louder than before
out of doors and into stores with bigger names
mama tried to wash their faces
but these kids they lost their graces
when daddy lost at the races too many times
she broke down the other day you know
some things in life may change
but some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time

Damien Rice :: Amie

nothing unusual nothing strange
close to nothing at all
the same old scenario the same old rain
and there's no explosions here
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
i saw a spaceship fly by your window
did you see it disappear?
amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
nothing unusual nothing's changed
just a little older that's all
you know when you've found it there's something i've learned
'cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
but i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
just another soldier on a road to nowhere
amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of o
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me